Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Character, Faith and Patience III

Sounds like progress to me too...atleast she is thinking about things and softening...
Hang your head high!!

You're a smooth operator, JR!

Great job, but still a long way to go. But you did very well getting her pointed in the right direction. She HAS to make the next move because of the PO. Keep working on you, and be ready for your next interaction.

Just remember, she is right, the moon is made of green cheese, yes dear! You have a long time to go before you can push back, just let her vent and validate. Re-read that post from Preserve.

B4S, yeah she vented, she got a lot out, she bawled her eyes out, I almost did too. She was listened to, she was understood. She let me know how painful it was to not be able to share MY emotions with me - that's who she is, she likes to share, my keeping my emotions bottled up drained her emotional tank like nothing else. Once there was nothing in the tank, and the ther stuff started seeming worse and worse and bam! D time.

That is what she's been missing. She needs the quality conversation. THAT'S why she's sticking around for 3 hours, we did the stupid debt stuff in 10 minutes, she could have left. But we talked, it was meaningful to her (and me, oh my gosh!!!) and it was what she needed. I almost think her tank got a drop or two.

I don't know if I'm smooth, but at least she's thinking. That's a good thing. She gave the indication that she'd call, even though she said she'd "think about it" but I'm not expecting anything, all that did was drive me nuts after the last meeting.

Oh, and Amy, she was dressed SO HOT! (low cut blouse, one of my favorite necklaces that she wears, tight capri pants, high heels that she know I love, make-up and hair done just right, etc. Does that tell you anything???) I was dying to jump her, and I totally didn't. No Chihuahua

Good grief!

I thought you met her at CHURCH!

LOL, it wasn't slutty, it was very nice in fact. She wears nice clothes ( I always saw to that, apparently that was a way I controlled her...) And her make-up is always very light and natural looking. She really doesn't need anything, her face is very beautiful even right when she wakes up in the morning.

I've gotten input from others that women who are done with marriages don't come to meetings dressed up nicely because they don't care. They also don't share feelings because they don't care, and they definitely don't talk to their spouse for 3 hours when they don't have to. So there are some positives, and the fact that she didn't make me sign anything like she said she was going to is good.

Funny thing was anytime she'd soften and feel the spirit working on her, and we'd connect (the Pastor really validated this for me after the meeting, since I was feeling kind of down) she would catch herself and try to harden again, then she'd soften again, and TRY to harden. I mean you want to see a lot of inner conflict in a person, a video of this meeting would have shown you everything.

One really cool thing is we reminisced about some good times and she smiled and laughed about them with me. That was a surprise. An even bigger surprise was when she brought up a bad time and we ended up laughing at it together. That was interesting...

I guess there was some good stuff. I tell you, it's good to go over things like this in your head and talk about it because immediate perspective isn't always correct I guess.

I pray the Pastor will be direct with her in helping her stay positive between now and our next meeting...

I'm really happy for you JR. Sounds like it turned out way better than expected. Good Job man.

I sure hope so. The impression I get is a woman that is done, doesn't share, she doesn't care to, there is no reason to.

She shared a lot! And since that's her LL, it made her feel good, she could see I'd listen and understand and not try to change or fix her feelings.

Still not letting myself have expectations, but my hope is still alive a little. That's a good thing, that'll keep me going til the next time.

Oh she talked about the D. Did I not share that in the first post. At first she said, "I just want you to sign and be done." I said, "OK." She said, "You'll sign right away?" I said (no less than 5 times last night I swear) "If you'll be happier getting D'd rather than giving our family one more chance, ALL I ever wanted was for you to be happy."

She didn't once follow up with, "OK, I'll have my L send the papers over." Or, "Good, we'll get that done right away, I will be happier." It was either, "How can I give YOU another chance????" or no response. That also went away about an hour into the convo. After that it was her struggle to give us another chance, and her sharing a lot of hurt feelings with me. And then it ended with, "I'll think about it." With regards to taking some baby steps like calling me to chat so she can get her LL spoken to her. So she can fill her emotional tank.

At least that went in a positive direction. But can you imagine trying to DB for 3 straigh hours, no rest? I would have gone all night if she had wanted...

well, there was some spill over from last meeting. But when you haven't seen each other but for 5 total hours in 2+ months, actually talking is healing and good, especially when done correctly - no yelling, no arguing.

Interesting thing, she started to bring up custody. I said, What do you want to do? She said, full physical custody. I said, why do you want to keep our son from his dad? A boy needs his dad. She said, I know but he can't go from house to house each day, it's too confusing. I said, we can do 4 days on and 4 days off or something like that. She said, still too hard for him. I said, "How would you feel if YOU didn't get to see your son but 3 hours a week and eery other weekend, how would you feel?" It was like she got shot in the face, and she started crying a little, and said, "Bad." I said, yeah, it is bad. She quit talking about it. The Pastor even gave her a chance to bring it back up and she didn't. I left it alone for now...

I also gave her a chance to ask me to come get my stuff from the house. I told what our son said one day, "Daddy, where's your luggage?" What luggage S? "The luggage to bring your stuff home when we go home today." Oh, S, I'm not going home today, don't worry. <silence for a few minutes> "Dad, you still have clothes at the house, right?" Yes, S, I think I have some shirts and shorts there. <thinking> "Ok, you can come home and just wear those." (yeah, this kid is 4!!!)

She about lost it when i told her that, and she didn't say, "Oh yeah, come get your [censored]!"

And, she remembered our conversation from last week fairly vividly, she even brought up things we had talked about, to talk about more today. So she's definitely thinking. I just need to get a constant positive influence in her life, so I don't lose her to the negativity between each meeting.