Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Time To Cut Ties

EEEW!
Thats like the emails my H used to get from *****!!!!

Moon and others. This is tough on us all to find outselves at odds with Moon, or each other. I won't vote.

I will say some highly respected publications promote a tough love stand here. If the WAS doesn't truly intend or work to kick their habit, it is time to kick them to the curb. Wow that hurt to write and I am only referring to work by Dobson and others.

Ok, so some of us don't subscribe to Dobson. Other pieces laying the A out as an addiction that must be broken say the same, cold turkey and no games.

We all imagine the WAS waking up. We all see the LBS in a living hell. If Moon helps her pack he is not stopping his love, only showing her the door. It is up to her to decide some tough things for herself. Maybe she can't do that at home, or won't.

I recall Jack facing some hard moments and I know he understands. He is right to suggest moving with caution and to error with care. But in the end, Moon had to do what Moon has to do. Moon will of course also have to live with Moon in the end. This is not one to jump into too quick, but Moon does own the option.

Take care friend, consider sending her to the hotel a week, or a friend, or the nearest shelter of her choosing while you think about this. It may not be what you want in a week, regardless of your decision. She was trying to eat a big slice of cake on you and that IS TO BE EXPECTED. We know and read that this IS what they do in reconnection. Nothing says there should not be a price to pay.

Pushing her out the door may push her in to the arms of OM. That might be worth considering.

You can't push her to where she isn't welcome.

We had a three hour heart-to-heart last evening. Same old re-hash as always. I did this, you did that, etc...

We seem to have resolved the immediate issue, but at this point I really don't see a solution.

She told me that she had herself convinced that she never deserved a better relationship than the one we had and that's a big part of why we stayed together so long. That statement says alot. Personally, I don't believe that was a strong enough basis to wind up 25 years down the road.

There had to be love.

And there was.

She is so fixed on the negative things that happened in the course of our marriage that she honestly doesn't recall all of the good times and the joy that we experienced as well. She has recycled and reinforced her reasons for wanting out to such a point that they far outweigh the reasons to stay and build upon. She has surrounded herself with people who aid and assist in this reinforcement. Those who tell her what she wants to hear.

She also stated that she has witnessed other relationships and they are far different than ours - better. When I bring up how much other people admired the relationship that we had, she says that they didn't see what it was like behind closed doors. I told her that that is true of others when she sees them as well. There are skeletons in everybody's closets.

Change:

She says she is leery of the way I have been different the last couple of months. That she thinks it's fake. She keeps waiting for the "old me" to reappear. I asked her how then, could the differences be so consistent, constant and steadily improving. I haven't changed myself radically, just the way I behave about certain things. The changes I have made in myself have been due to introspect and revelation. There were things about me that didn't work well and needed to be addressed before I could be good with anybody. Not just her.

I am making differences in my own life for me.

Taking ownership.

Change:

She says that I am threatened by her becoming an individual, wanting to do new things and have new interests. I always admired and adored her individuality. That is one major reason I was always so attracted to her. Her world was always an interesting place to see and explore. Years ago, I took her to see the ocean for the first time in her life. It was the most beautiful experience that I have ever had. She was like a wonderful, wide-eyed child that day. Hearing her explain it to me, I felt like I was seeing it for the first time too!

I explained to her that change is part of life. As an example, I asked her how she thought that an 80 year-old couple could still look at each other with the same love in their eyes that they had as teenagers. They are full of wrinkles, gravity beat them to death and things are sagging all over their bodies, but they still adore each other. She said that was a petty example and I agreed, but I explained that through the course of years, they change inside as well. People who stay together that long don't stay the same.

They accept it.

They appreciate it.

With grace.

And love.

As I will.

This can be solved. We can move on and grow together, but there are two sides to every story. If she expects anything to be better, she needs to get herself in order as well. The problem is not mine alone. As long as she is clinging to the false hope of "rescue" and "escape", she can't open herself up to the possibilities that await her.

The world we built is hers to take. She just has to decide if she wants it. Sadly, she might just throw it all away and have to build a new one from scratch.

I'm not keeping the door open forever.

Dude

You sure you didn't marry my one of my X's four sisters??

Has your W started shopping for a Harley yet?

Seriously, you have as clear a perspective on all this as anyone possibly could. Understand that the thoughts you have of drawing a line in the sand are reasonable. Maybe not for the reasons some think.

If she is so far gone into crisis that she will Never accept life as positive, she may have to go her own way and live the negatives a while. You don't want her to stay and always live in doubt and resentment. You would soon see that was all that was left, and you wouldn't stick with it.

Keep up the fight, you are doing great. But so much is up to her. She has to make some decisions that she just may not be able to make right now.

My main thought here though is this ... if you have to let her go, if she just has to leave, that does not mean there must be a D. It just means that things aren't going to be fixed together in the home at this moment. When something isn't working, it may be time to try something else, but do it with as positive a spin as you can if it comes to that. We did not create separate spaces as friends. It may have turned out different if we had. Don't know. Just a thought for you.

You have to do what's right for you, MD. Some of us can stand forever and be martyrs (or, maybe, have more faith, whichever way one wants to view it) to their sitch, but some of us are a little more realistic, and realise that sometimes you have to move on to heal. Who knows, down the road she will realise what a huge mistake she made, and there may be a chance at a new R.

25 years is a lot of memories for her to throw away, but she appears willing to risk it, and will find a way to justify her choice. I cannot believe anyone can remain married for that long, without there being love and good memories, at least, some of the time.

Life is an adventure ... and the biggest one is our own self-discovery. But, if only one partner is doing all that, while the other is living in their perceived hurts of the past, then what is one to do. I fully understand how you must be feeling right now, MD. Maybe some time apart will give you a chance to detach, and her a chance to see what it's really like to be away from her long time partner (rather than how she may be viewing it in her head).

Takce care, and hope in the end, it works out for you, one way or the other.