Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Wanting To Be Desired Before Marriage II

Cac4 I did know a guy..ONE guy...ONCE...who complained that his GF wanted it too often.

Same here Cac. I met the guy in college. He was D from her because she sought sex from some other guy.

My friend said "most people "THINK" having a HDW is exciting and may be at first. But once you get enough and she keeps pawing at you, you lose your SD. Some days you can't get anything done if you keep doing it and if you are away, you worry she will be f'ing someone else." There always seems to be someone around looking for hand-outs.

Lou

I agree. We know that people's desire levels can be different in different Rs.

It took me a while to grasp the idea that LDW don't like sex with their H but would love sex with someone else. I think too many guys think once a W is LD, she is LD for everyone.

LD for/with the H but HD for someone that has power, charm, or what ever is a particular woman's magical turn-on.

The turn on might even be some bad-boy behaviors some guys have.

Lou

Why are some wommen suddenly HD for some person like a minister (MoJo's mother and someone else I know) or another man in a position of some power, a professor, doctor, etc and LD with their H?

Is it as Hellen Fisher suggest, good providers (sometimes it's only talk) attract females. Is that relatedto or part of the animal heritage equasion?

Hi Advice Needed

Given time your gf might find a way to be a good spouse. I dont think she is a 'bad girl' a 'bad person' or anything like that. I do think what she chooses to be attracted to and what she respects are entirely differant things, and only she can choose to meld them or continue to hold them seperate and disrespect what and how she chooses to attract men. I understand your attraction for her.

However... .... you two have a dynamic that was set up early on. perceptions. behaivior patterns.
You cant 'help' her figure it out, or unfortunately even 'be there' for her, in the hopes that she does. She will not respect you for that. It may not make sense, it may not be fair, it just is. IMO. You have allready figured out where some, most of your weaknesses were. Youve done a good job (obviously from the results) of fixing them, working on them.

I dont think you should 'run away'. I do think you should stick to your original plan when you came here and see where it goes . For both of you. If you can do it with graciousness, kindness, detached loving, it would be great for both of you.
If you stay though, you will always, always, have to handle her like the a water moccasin. Its possible. Some people like doing that. some people are born and raised that way, and dont know anything else. Some people just want living trophies behind glass.
If you relax, make a mistake, or let down your vigil though, your gonna get bit. That is not the snakes fault. You knew it was a snake.

Is that how you want in a spouse?

Only by demonstrating boundaries do you get respect. It has to be consistant. Getting to a breaking point and then implementing them either out of neccesity or feeling forced to, is not an effective use of boundaries. Its bad for your over all well being.
If you want a differant dynamic you gonna have to reset it. There are many ways to do that externally. The only important one is in you. I can tell from what you write, that hasnt happened. That is not an incrimination, or a rebuke.
Now is a better time to do it than several years from now.
Its not easy. I wish you the best.

Black,

My plan is to see what transpires this summer.

For the first 7 months I was frazzled and had constant conversations with her on this subject. I sent her postings, articles and tried to convey to her how I felt. I am a fixer by nature so my nature wanted this problem to go away.

Over this year I got all sorts of excuses from her. The list is endless!

Only until I asked her to leave twice did she finally do something about it! This was after almost 20 counseling sessions where we discussed all her issues. The only issue brought up about me was my ‘Angry Outburst’. I did have a few.

It is funny when I think about it but I remember getting upset and packing my suitcase and driving 6 hours away to my Dad’s home. I drove most of the night! I left MY house! I called her when I got there the next morning and actually apologized for ‘Pressuring’ her! Can you believe I did that!!!

Today, She knows exactly how I feel. She knows I have doubts about marrying her but she continually talks about our future as we were married. It is a little strange. We have not had a relationship talk in a month or more. She will have sex with me and she enjoys it once she is worked up. She never initiates it or has gone back to the way she used to be last year. We were intimate twice last week, which was good.

I am not sure how to proceed. I want her to actually desire me. I figure that if she is lukewarm before marriage then how would she be if married? We get along great and there seems to be no other issues between us. Financial issues are ok and so are the others.

Black,

I have sett up the financial boundaries plus others. I do not try to fix her problems like before. I live my life. I go to work then workout (x-bodybuilder) hard then come home.

I spend time with her but do not smother her with relationship jabber. I am all talked out. We get along much better but I still am uncomfortable with the Intimacy issue. She is not participating 100% and I do not know how to explain this to her. As GEL stated, maybe I should back off 100% sexually from her and wait to see what happens.

The above plan may just make it click with me about what it will be like to be married to her. I may need a 2 x 4 up my head!

I don't want to be the one who is constantly chasing the spouse and the one who is rejected.

AN,

Perhaps you needed to write it out yourself and read it for you to actually see that this IS your future. We can all tell you this, but YOU have to be the one to realize it for yourself.

Hi, AN.

It is my understanding that you have told her that you have no intention of marrying her. Is that correct?

If not, then you need to stop leading her on.

It seems to me, that she is working for the commitment. Once she has it, then her actions will fall back to minimal effort. It will NOT get better.

Again, if you are leading her on, that isn't the right thing to do. She deserves to know your intentions. You deserve to know hers.

If you want to marry her and are unsure as to the level of her commitment, then a pre-nuptual is in order to protect yourself financially.

I still think you should just end it.

All the best,
-NOPkins-

Ok you wanted a 2x4.

Dude its been a year or so, and its Up to at best --if you try real hard-- 2 x a week. *record skips, music stops-- the dancers stumble and fall*
HUH??
Davvvveee. What are you dooooinnngggg Daavve?
Does. Not. Compute.

Ok seriously everyone has there own acceptable quantity. Accepting her crap rations (the intent and way that she is doing it) is not earning you any respect.
My plan is to see what transpires this summer.
Thats a bad plan. That was not your original plan. She doles out crumbs and you hang in there hoping for just a little more.

I am a fixer by nature so my nature wanted this problem to go away.

Thats contradictory. Its also a useless mindset. The problems will never go away. They will never be fixed, in any R. Ever. Even if its the fact that the couch need reupholstered or the frigerator needs leveling. It will always be something. If your woman is not telling you there is a problem about something, you better believe, there REALLY IS a problem.

I present as evidence a quote from overit
Thats as radically honest as a woman can get, even if it doesnt make sense to you.
Thats definitely something you want to --Read till you get it.

here are the cliff notes.... The point in time where you think she has accepted you for you, is the point in time where she has given up on you.
Its also a good reason to never use logic to try and change a womans feelings about something. You wont change em, she'll just stop talking to YOU about them.

Today, She knows exactly how I feel. Yep, and she doenst have any self motivating initiative to do anything about it. Is that what you want in a spouse?

I drove most of the night! I left MY house! I called her when I got there the next morning and actually apologized for ‘Pressuring’ her! Can you believe I did that!!!I drove most of the night! I left MY house! I called her when I got there the next morning and actually apologized for ‘Pressuring’ her! Can you believe I did that!!!

I believe you. But No. I cant believe you did that. If you decided to dryly apologize to her, for being a man, and for hoping that she could care for you like you did for her.... AFTER insisting that she go and while helping her move out, that I would understand. Not recommend, or promote, but definitely understand.

I figure that if she is lukewarm before marriage then how would she be if married? We get along great and there seems to be no other issues between us
Why should she respect somebody who doesnt respect his own 'needs'?
Other issues exist. For example your new found and tentative grasp of boundaries.

She is not participating 100% and I do not know how to explain this to her. As GEL stated, maybe I should back off 100% sexually from her and wait to see what happens.

Why would you want to explain it to her? Why not find someone who gets you, and appreciates you. What do you care more about? what people think of the woman on your arm? or what the woman on your arm thinks of you?
Before you answer that ask yourself what do my actions show.

You should back away 100%. Not just sexually. By all means, post here and talk about what happened and what reservations you have to assist yourself.