Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again NikkiB #16

Nikki -
Do you want kids?

If so, think seriously about how you want to deal with him this time.

It may be time to stop "wooing" him back and time to just move on.

I'm not saying he's irredeemable; but so long as he can dither around thinking he has a CHOICE between you or OW, he'll dither. You've done your 180s, you've DBed your behind off, you've created good new memories with H. Maybe it's time now for him to feel the reality of what he's going to lose by his continued involvement with OW (and make no mistake, he's still involved).

You need to be sure you're ready before you LRT - that you are okay with the possibility that he won't turn around. Trust me, if he's not really capable of becoming a better man, you don't WANT him to be the father of your children.

No anger, no scenes. Just "You know, H, I think I deserve a man who loves me and wants to be with me alone. Since you can't be that man right now, I think it's time for me to move on and look for a man who can".

Ellie

Ellie - that's another thing that I think MAY be a problem but obviously this isn't the time to bring it up. I do like kids, but with all my health history I can't have them. Well... I probably COULD but it would be dangerous to both me and the child. I thought we had mutually agreed to move forward together and not have kids. We looked into adoption at one point but we both decided against it. But now I don't know.. did we decide that because he knew he wanted out? Does he really want kids and told me he didn't?

I've thought all along that the two unresolvable "issues" we may have are if he can't deal with my physical limitations, or if he has changed his mind on the kids issue (even that, I am willing to talk about options, but again... obviously not the time).

To be honest, the thought of him not turning around breaks my heart because I still love him so much. I know that's entirely his choice to make, and it's not up to me, but I'm not ready to force the issue (yet).

Hey Nikki, I don't have any useful advice, but just wanted to give you some (((NikkiB))) and support. It is good that he opened up and told you honestly some of how he felt. I hope the two of you can find some constructive behaviors to deal with how you're both feeling and not destructive ones.

I know you've mentioned the Marriage Fitness stuff and it sounded like you were less than impressed with it. I do know the book (verses the course) had a well laid out plan of how to do things to rebuild love and reconnect with your spouse, have you tried that stuff much (talk/touch charges, the intimate interviews, etc.)

Take care, try not to get down or make huge decisions based on what you're thinking/feeling right now.
-JDK

I'm sorry, I'm wallowing a little today. I'm not sure why I am so hurt, so crushed... but I am. I guess I allowed myself to take down the walls I had been building too soon. I got too close, too vulnerable.. and I feel so stupid for it. I still love my H very deeply. I care about him. I respect him, even with all that has happened. I can envision a bright, beautiful, happy future for us (if that's what he chooses, I get that it is not my choice).

I thought he was starting to envision this too, and now I find out that coming home was basically the lesser of two evils?? What happened during that really great month where we were clicking, connecting, moving closer - did I just imagine all that? It sure felt real at the time. Did I screw something up, push for boundaries too soon, or was it just a product of moving back too quickly?? He trusted my changes enough to move back, I kept up with them, now he's not trusting them again? Or are they not enough?? I'm beginning not to trust my feelings at all.

I am also so lost on how to act/react now with regards to H. I know to listen, validate, be compassionate, I get all that. And I understand that I'm choosing to live with the "limbo" stage again. But do I continue trying to make good connections with him? Do I invite him for bike rides or things that I think we'd enjoy doing together? He didn't say it's over or that he wants it to be, just that he's having a rough time... but it's hard to shake the "giving up on myself." Does that mean he can't be true to himself unless he leaves me??

I am not trying to fix him, push him to be with me, and I know I'm doing too much mindreading. I'm just getting it out here so I can get it out somewhere. Hoping emptying my brain will help with getting my PMA back.

Thanks JDK - much appreciated. Yeah, I do have that marriage fitness book and should get that back out. It had a good plan, but now I wonder if all of it's just going to feel like pressure or trying to fix him or trap him somewhere he doesn't want to be.

I'm not making any big decisions right now, for sure. Working on the not getting down part although struggling with it today.

(((Nikki))),

You've been so strong, Nikki -- don't stray from this now! Yes, H is really struggling with himself right now, and all you can do is be there for him. Maybe he did come back too soon, maybe he still is involved with PW. Just continue being the new you (and you're doing a great job here!), continue showing him appreciation for both the small and big things he has done and continues to do (like opening up to you -- good job on letting him know!). Positive reinforcement is a key tool that your H needs IMO. Tell him you appreciate him for continuing to try -- and don't just tell him, show him.

Keep a PMA -- he opened up to you about this, which in my mind tells me that he is willing to show you he is vulnerable right now and is actively seeking your support. I know that he may not be making the best M saving choices right now, but remember that he doesn't have the tools that you do right now either.

Stay strong Nikki -- validate, support, appreciate. Yes, you know these tools, but remember that they are tools to use continually, and that it will take lots of time using these tools to rebuild the M. Don't fall back into the trap of old ways -- be the woman that you would like to be and that H would like to be with.

(((((Nikki))))) You can do this!!! You've done too well and worked too hard to give up right now!

Nick

Thanks Nick. All these hugs and support really help. I haven't been this afraid since the bomb, and need to get my strength back!
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So.. one more post and then I'll take a breath and give people time to reply (and myself time to think).

Can I get a little outside perspective on the conversation my H and I had? I see all kinds of things in there but I wanted to know what it looks like from the outside, especially if you've seen other people through early Piecing. Here's what's running through my brain:

- Positive that he shared this with me.

- Positive that I didn't freak out (to him, that came later today).

- Is a pretty typical "stage" in Piecing? The WAS having these doubts?

- Is this really another bomb, the way I feel like it is? Part of me thinks I'm reading too much into it, that he didn't say he wants out and in fact didn't say anything negative about me or his feelings for me. Another part thinks I'm being naive and he wants back out, but I'm blinding myself to it.

- My perception was that it was very strong of H both to leave, and to find the courage to come home. But it seems he feels the coming home was weak. No real question here, just an observation.

- Not about the convo but for those who have followed me for awhile (and, thank you again!) - have you noticed a change in me that may have contributed to this change in H? Maybe something I'm not aware of?

Thanks again.

Nikki

While I dont post on your thread much as you always seemed so far ahead in your sitch I have been keeping up, probably because your advice to others is so sound.

I am so sorry to hear of this latest bump in the road. I think when we are new to this we think that once the WAS comes home or decides to stay home then there will be lots of baby steps towards a wonderfull outcome. Unfortunatly we are just on another roller coaster ride and I think its even harder than the first one.
The first Roller Coaster is about ourselves and while it takes a while to realise it we detach and work on getting ourselves in a better place. This second coaster is much harder because we bring back expectations of what we need from our spouse. We have given "running on empty" for so long we want something back. And we deserve it too! but its not that simple. And I have only been on the second coaster for 2 days and its still sucks.

This looks like a downwards swing on that 2nd roller coaster and I think you need to switch back to acting "as if " for a while and yes that sucks but back off any expectations.

I also hate to ask but is it possible OW has still some influence on what is happening here?

Take care , remember the basics , look after you.

Dave

Nikki--
Please consider talking to the doc and/or taking the Xanax. Having anxiety attacks is not helping you at all, and may be freaking H out.
I am taking a stab here in the dark, but since he is home and has tried to commmit to working on the marriage, can you ask him what he might need from you right now, rather than mindreading? Does he think he needs some space, or MC, or focusing on having some fun together? Maybe even reading or listening to one of the books you found helpful on rebuilding?
Dave is right--running on empty sucks, and I can see how much we want to start working together in partnership. But your H may not (probably doesn't) know how to do this yet.

And he feels like he "gave up on himself." You seem unsure of what he means by this--can you ask him? Did he have expectations of himself that he didn't meet? Can you ask him what he thinks might be getting in the way at this point?

If he says he just needs space or time to think, I know you know what to do.

I am so sorry that this has been so hard for you, especially when we were all so excited for you, and envious. It does build up expectations, and the work has really only now begun on your Marriage. And, while you did so much work on yourself, it doesn't sound like your H finished his, yet, which will make this a longer road, too. You are strong and will get through this no matter what. It is a wait-and-see if your H is as strong.

Thinking of you {{{Nikki}}},
D

(((Nikki)))

I agree too that asking directly/specifically, what does he need to do to not give up on himself? Maybe just say, H I was confused by your comment "I feel like I'm giving up on myself". Could you explain what you meant by that? Does he have goals that he feels he can't accomplish now that he moved back?

At least he HAS talked to you about his feelings and he's not leaving you in the dark. That is definitely a positive.

I still kinda think he's in MLC. And I really think those who are, are not going to just all the sudden be okay.

I also think that it is quite possible OW is trying to involve herself with him, or maybe both of them were, and this of course caused the suspicions and questions from you, which in turn made him defensive. I think this coupled with his sisters problems (as you mentioned) has gotten him confused maybe. Maybe he is now doubting himself and in his abilities to make his OWN self be happy. He also needs to realize that his happiness doesn't come from you.

Since you mentioned the IC to him and he even thought of it himself, I think you could definitely bring it up again. Even mention a couple weeks later that you found someone and you were thinking about going by yourself, but if he wanted to go also, you would love to go together.

I'm sorry this is so hard. I really didn't expect such a let down with you guys either. But we do have to keep our expectations low, so just keep Galing and try to keep your PMA up. We all love you! You have been such a blessing to all of us!