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I'm starting to think that I should do the same thing Dana...so give me a shout when you're ready for this! heehee NICE! First dibs.

To quote the famous Julie who is quoting a famous Julia

"I say who. I say when. I say who."



My counselor also warned me today not to be a "ball buster." Ouch!

I don't doubt that for a second kid...not a second.

LOL. My C told me to BE a ball buster. Hmmm.

You're sounding really good, galing.

Good night, girl. Love and hugs, f21

you are doing fabulous Dana. Hugs to you!

Hi Dana,

Don't let your C push you if you are not ready. You're working through a lot right now.

I totally get what you are saying about H. I always looked at it this way. If my W was truly happy and moving forward to a better life, I would know it was time to give up and let her go. But as long as the split she "wanted" was coming from her own confusion and hurt, and I could see she was moving towards pain and loneliness - then I was going to hang in there and keep hoping for us. FWIW.

Hope you have a better day today! ((((Dana))))

I am with you HS on the busting stuff. It sounds, well it sounds painful. LMAO

Rob--
Thank you so much for that insight. I am printing that out.

Dana--
Continue doing all of your GAL, girl. You know that you have become a better person through all of this, and have it within you to be happy. It is a grieving process, for sure, but I know that you will find balance and perspective as you heal, as you always have. {{{Dana}}}

Damn - I always screw up on the whole pursuing thing! LOL.

Rob - well said....very well said.

F21 - you can bust my balls anytime babe. heehee.

Just doing a little journaling. Been thinking the last few days about what went wrong in our marriage and reflecting on it and want to kind of write it down to ensure I understand it and can look back on it so I don't repeat the same mistakes in my future.
I'm really seeing now how the affair was just a symptom of it all, a horrible symptom and a poor choice, but a symptom none the less.

So, I think some of the mistakes we made were these:
1) We didn't understand our own needs and we didn't communicate them appropriately.
From pretty much the first year of marriage, I was really frustrated because I felt like so many things were my responsibility and I'm realizing now one reason this bothered me so much is because my parents are total acts of service love language people and that need wasn't met for me. I didn't communicate that need effectively, and eventually it turned into criticism and nagging and then my Hs needs weren't met as a result of him not meeting mine. And neither of us communicated what we needed in a way to get it.
2) I was often very dominant and my H was very passive. We needed to find a common ground so he could speak up and so I didn't feel like I had to make all the decisions. I think in many ways, my H was too dependant on me for his happiness based on the relationship his parents have and how he learned to speak love and so that made this dynamic even more frustrating for us both.

So it just led to a whole cycle of needs not being met. I dealt with that by really focusing on me and my career and my brother and throwing myself into being really busy with school and work. I don't think I was really happy but I was fulfilled to a larger extent than my H because I was completing me. In return, I think my withdrawal due to how I handled the lack of needs being met, let him to withdraw because then his needs weren't met and he felt alone and abandoned (I believe), and eventually he fixed that by seeking comfort with someone else.

Unfortunately, he is now so detached that he isn't willing to give it a try and also because I don't think he truly takes responsbility for his part in the failure and believes I just can't meet his needs based on what has all happened. It is what it is.... I can understand why he feels that way. I have doubts regarding if he could ever meet my needs too, I think the difference is I know what went wrong and my part in it and I know I could fix/chance my part because I'm a different person now and "get it" and if he were committed to fixing his too, then I think it would be really great. At any rate, he isn't so I accept that and I will move forward in my life as needed and make it great, but I do want to understand what went wrong and my part it in and take responsibility for it.