Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again NikkiB #16

Nikki,

Thanks for the post on my thread -- I'll post again soon.

It sounds like you're in a very confusing spot, and I'm really feeling for you in terms of not knowing what to do. Obviously, I'm in no position to figure out how to best work through piecing (especially in your current spot), so I'm not going to make any suggestions. I think everyone who has posted recently has made great points, and they are all good to consider IMO. I really do like the visual and the feeling I get when I picture you at the party being fun, happy, confident, sexy, etc, despite PW being there too. I think it would say a lot to both your H and PW, but it would be better for H to experience, I think. Then again, not "getting muddy with the pigs" (lol) is a good idea too. However, if not going makes H "pouty", then I think this is something to reflect on, as well.

I don't know -- it's a damned if you do and damned if you don't kind of sitch IMO. Which is the lesser of the two "damns"?

Also, sorry to hear about your dad's need for surgery, but SO HAPPY for him and the rest of your family that he is recovering so well! Family is so amazingly important. All of my family has passed away except for my dad -- who I never grew up with and don't know too well -- and my kids, of course. They can pull you through the toughest of times, so I'm glad you're there for your dad and he's doing good so he can still be there for you! How is your little sis handling this?

Hang in there during this general tough time -- keep that PMA going for yourself, if anything! The missing jigsaw pieces will present themselves soon enough, I'm sure!

Nick
Nick

NikkiB,

I think you have probobly answered your own Question. Why should she impact your actions. If it were me i would be going and thinking to myself he's with me and not you TO BAD.

JAK

okay, what about this.

Tell H, that you would actually like to go with him.

Just because your both their and PW is there, doesn't mean they have to socialize. There are other people there too right? Now if it's just a couple people other than you two, well, that might make it a little difficult.

Also, if you show up, and PW IS there. This might be good in regards to HER. Remember the time at the races when you were doing great and GALing and fun and confident, and PW was acting all pathetic? What if you go, and are very confident and fun.. I bet PW will feel a little insecure, or stupid or something, just like before. Even if she doesn't show it on the outside, I know she'll be feeling it on the inside.

Soooo, lets also say that you told H,.. "hey, can we have a code word/phrase to let each other know we want to leave party and get a little freaky somewhere?" then it's not all about PW. Or you could whisper in his ear about all the crazy things you want to do to him and does he want to go for a little "drive" in the country?

I know, your so inbetween a rock and a hard place. It's so not fun. If you go out, just imagine PW to have warts all over her face, because if her insides where to show itself on her outside, she would be covered in them!

ST,

How cool!!!

thanks jak!

Nikki--
I have been so self-absorbed as of late, that I haven't been over to "visit" you here! I just read all of your posts here to catch up (yep, it took a while ;0) )

First, I am SO glad to hear the good news about your Dad. It must have been so scary, but he pulled through with flying colors, in no small way because of knowing he had you there for him--it actually helps people recover so much more quickly.

Now, I need to send you over-due hugs {{{Nikki}}} When you are where I am, you can't imagine anything harder. And now I see that the road ahead may not be paved with gold...but its good to know before getting there. (I still hope to be over here some day.)

I am so glad that OT, ST and others have been here for you, giving such sound advice. I really don't know what OT does for a living, but she could write this stuff up and make a fortune! Or be an on-air sensation. Ever wonder if Michele needs another phone coach?

Anyway, I will leave the advice to those who have gone before us, and just offer friendship. I wish this stage was easier for you. I hope that you can build on H's willingness to work on the M and find a way to connect over the issues you are having. You had mentioned MC; maybe an outside "translator" could help?

Please, continue to take care of you. And, I am off for the summer. If you are ever in a sitch where you have to talk with someone RIGHT NOW, no matter what time of day or night, please call me. I'll email you the number (my hotmail acct is down--drop me a note to: c bos worth 01 @ comcast.net--take out the spaces.) I never knew what a panic attack was until this whole mess, and they are scarier than he11. Have you thought about asking a doc about Xanax?
***

On a lighter note, hope that puppy and the fishies are well. I have kept goldfish for about 11 years; email me with any Qs (but it sounds like you read all that is needed).

{{{Nikki}}} Thank you for being there for me; I hope that I can return the favor some day.

--Donna

Hey Nikki, just catching up on your end of last week and weekend. Glad that you ended on a good note with your husband and it looks like you're getting some great advice. Hang in there and don't put too much pressure on yourself, you are super to have hung in there for so long and have come so far, don't entertain those thoughts of giving up. No matter how frustrating and "effort laden" your R seems to be, most of us would trade spots with you in a heartbeat!

Take care,
-JDK

Nick, jak, ST, Donna, JDK - thanks for checking in! I'll reply first then post the latest news.. we finally talked about what's really going on, and it's pretty upsetting. I could definitely use some guidance on what next.

Since most of the replies were on the same topics I'll reply by topic rather than individually.

My dad is doing great!! I can't believe how quickly he's up and around, but I'm so relieved. Hope he uses this as a wake up call to get back to healthier eating and exercise.

About the party - I really like the idea of going, but having a "code word" if we want to leave. If that still makes sense by the date of the party (thought it was this Friday but it's actually next), I'll give that a try.

Donna - thanks so much! Yeah, not paved with gold by any means (more in a minute). This is harder than I ever imagined. I do have Xanax actually. I was taken by ambulance to the hospital last December with the first of the panic attacks, and have had it since then. I hadn't taken any in a long time but I may have to consider it again. Had 2 more attacks last night. The pup is doing pretty good - the second mouth surgery seemed to really knock her for a loop more so than the first one, which is kind of a bummer, but she's recovering. The fish on the other hand are doing very well and growing like crazy! I'll drop you an email today - thanks.

-----------
So on to today's update.. things have continued to just feel "off" and it has really been getting to me. H asked for the phone bill again so I printed it off yesterday and gave it to him. He read it over and threw it away, no comment. I thought that was odd but didn't push anything on it. Then he invited me out for pizza and to go with him to look for shoes, which we did. Had fun but again just felt this massive distance.

Last night we worked together to list some stuff on eBay. He's clearing a bunch of stuff out of the garage and selling it for racecar money (although I admit, fleeting thoughts of "he's selling it to make truly moving out easier" have been going through my head).

Late last night / this morning.. more nightmares, more anxiety attacks. YUCK. Then this morning I noticed H's ring is off again. I really didn't want to start ANOTHER R talk but I can't keep going on with no clue where we stand, so I talked to him. Here's how it went:

Me: H, I noticed that you're not wearing your ring.
H: Oh yeah I forgot to put it back on, it's in the truck.
Me: Well.. it's not so much the ring, I keep feeling this distance, like something is really "off" - do you feel it too? [I should have started with this I think, the ring isn't the issue]
H: I should have waited the 6 months. I'm having a really rough time. I feel like I gave up on myself.
(I resisted bursting into tears here... patting myself on the back for that becuase it was HARD)
Me: Wow, I'm sorry.
H: It was just too hard. Too hard to be away from home, be afraid of being alone. I came home because I couldn't do it. It was too hard to do it the other way. [implying going through with a D, I think, but I'm not sure]. I've been talking to my sister and that's freaking me out too.
Me: I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now. I really do want us both to be happy. I think we can build a happy M together but I don't want to be together just because it's easier. [I didn't really say this the way I wanted to]
H: I know. I'm trying, I just feel like I gave up on myself.
[I had no idea how to respond to that, so I just held his hand with one hand and rubbed his back with the other - he was sitting close to me and kept grabbing my hand, and seemed to appreciate this, so I went with it...after a long pause...]
Me: I felt like we were getting closer and doing better for a month or so there.
H: Yeah I was focusing on the racecar.
Me: It was just the car? I felt you and I were getting a lot closer too.
[I know.. too many questions]
H: Yeah. I'm still trying.

... we kind of left it there, normal before work small talk and then H left for work.

After he left I realized I forgot to thank him for opening up to me, so I called him:

Me: I forgot to tell you something - thanks for talking to me about all that. Thanks for sharing that with me.
H: [very kind tone] Thanks for asking me.
[I felt really good about this - one problem before was me not being very sensitive to his emotions]

I forget exactly how it went but I asked if he thought seeing the MC again might be a good idea and he said he'd been thinking about that. He wasn't ready to make an appointment yet, but I am hoping.

So... I guess my question is, what now??

Part of wonders, do I go back to something resembling LRT? Or is that just distancing to protect myself??

Another part feels this sense of urgency to share 5LL and get us into the MC... so we can get on a positive track while we're both "trying." (so that we're not "trying" in ineffective ways, like we apparently were before)

Another part feels like just giving up. I feel very, very unloved at the moment. YUCK to the fact that he's here with me because it was "easier."

I am feeling pretty down about our R/M right now but relieved that we finally got it out in the open.

What next? I have no idea. Any suggestions are much appreciated.

He is right, he came back to soon. You already knew that though.

Be compassionate and understanding, let him know he is not trapped -- he will not be the bad guy if he chooses to leave, he is allowed to try and change his mind, and DO NOT try to fix it for him.

If you can't deal with the limbo, then don't. Leave the limbo. But don't try to force him to a place out of limbo because you don't like where he is.

OT - thanks. Do you think it's a bad idea to even pursue the MC? Since he mentioned he was open to it, I thought it might be a good idea - not to push him one way or the other, but just to help guide us?

I can deal with the limbo for now, although I'm pretty sad that I'm back there again.

The harder part to deal with is loving him so much and feeling like the "default" rather than someone he loves.