Ok people, I am having a rough day. Not as rough as UA though. I feel bad for ranting on here about something so little when she is going through hell.
My problem is I don't want to go to the beach now. I don't want to be away from H for that long. I know we have been apart for a long time already but not so far distance wise. I hate these vacations without him. I just wish we could have a family vacation again.
Anxiety is starting to hit me. I can feel a panic attack coming on. I hate them!!!!!!!!!!
Distance can be a beautiful thing and draw him just that much closer. Positive spin is what you need, think, "He's gonna miss me so much it will drive him apesh^t"
Go on vacation, have fun, take happy pictures and share them with him when you get home......
You know what is strange? Sometimes I envy the ones who are moving forward and getting out of limbo land. I often wonder what it would be like if I took the steps to end all of it. What if I filed and made it easier on H? Then I wonder if that is what he really wants.
Sometimes I think he doesn't know what he wants. He will act distant and then do something to make me feel like hanging on longer.
UA, you don't want to switch places with me. All this waiting makes a person go crazy. I will never be the same again when all of this is said and done. I have become stronger but that is only on the outside. The inside of me is a little girl who goes home each day and cries herself to sleep. I have to pretend I am doing good. I have to sometimes lie to people and tell them that I am ok with the way things are going when I am not.
I try to show strength on these boards because that is what I feel is expected of me. I have good days and bad days. I have learned to put up a wall on my feelings at times.
Sometimes I think it would be better if I had no contact with H at all. I do better not knowing what he is doing. But then again, when I don't talk to him for a few days, I tend to get weak and that is when my mind starts playing tricks on me. I start thinking the worst about everything.
So see, even though your situation is further along than mine, I am still living in hell at times. My life isn't any better than anyone else's on here. I have just learned to live with it. I can curl up and say screw everything or I can try and make the best of it. I choose to live my life and not go into a shell. Maybe that is my mistake. Maybe I should just give up and live the rest of my life as a hermit!!!
Again, thanks. I am slowly starting to feel better today. Some good signs here:
1. He is staying at "our" house while the girls and I are gone (to take care of animals) - He could have told me to find someone else.
2. He bought me a nice ring for mothers day from the kids - he could have just given them $20 and let them buy whatever.
3. He kept the mushy card I gave him for his birthday - could have thrown it away.
4. Told me not to spend money on the house until after vacation so the girls and I have enough money and have a good time. Awww, he cares.
5. Even though he knew (we discussed this Sunday night) that he didn't have to get the kids yesterday, he called me to ask if he had to get them - his way of just wanting to hear me voice???
6. We went out to dinner as a family for our birthdays and he paid - he could have just flat out said NO!!!
Ok, so there are a few. I could really go on and on because there are many more. I guess writing them down here has made me see the bright side of things.
I am ready to head out for vacation.........but, I will miss all of you!!!!! How am I going to survive for 6 days without you all? What am I to do when I feel a panic attack or a meltdown coming on?
