Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Dealing better with remorse

OK, so today went really well. I decided that I wasn't sure how good it would be to have lunch here, so we went to a local restaurant and had cake and presents at the park. Everyone seemed happy, and even though H was anxious about a new work situation starting tomorrow, he was more calm with me than he has been.

Afterwards, he asked me to step away from where the boys were so we could talk a bit. He then told me how sorry he was that our situation made it not an automatic that he would be with me for the colonoscopy. (I had decided to ask a girlfriend to help me out, in part so he would have that space he so desperately seems to want, and in part b/c I decided to do this alone.) He even offered to help out in any way I might need, and brought up how we had gone through so many of these "outpatient" experiences together (starting with my wisdom teeth extraction when I was 24!). I think that's the first time he's voiced any regret at what we are doing right now. It's the first event that we used to always be there for each other that we won't be, and maybe that's making the difference. I didn't change my plans but I thanked him for the support. Who knows, maybe I'm doing better going dark than I supposed?!

This morning, too, I found myself considering that a future I'd love to see for myself would be traveling around the world and working in various cool locations. I got to thinking how during these next five years when S2 is still in school, I could be working my career to be such that I could "take it on the road" about the time S2 goes to college. The wild thing about the thinking is that it would be me alone, since H has always loved being home more than anything else. It's exciting and scary to think of a potential future that would work better w/o H than w/ him.

I'm not giving up on DBing, but I'm surprising myself at the feelings I'm allowing me to have. Maybe this is one of those things I have denied myself in order to be in this marriage.

Hmmm. Anyway, hope things are going well there in SC.

Cheers --
Anne

I'm glad it was a good day Anne. I hope soon I'll have a day of clarity as you described. Stay strong & we're here for ya.

You go, Girl!! I love how you sound so upbeat and positive!! It sounds like your going dark is a good thing?!! Wow!!! Good for you!!!

Can I tell you I'm burned to a crisp? <<<that's me with a sunburn!! It was a WONDERFUL day!!! See, water kinda freaks me out... especially when I can't see the bottom. Lakes really CREEP me out. I guess I'm afraid of some slimy something grabbing me and pulling me under!! Last year, when we first got the boat, I think it was the last time we took it out, I tried knee boarding. I have never skied or anything in my life so I was not prepared to be pulled right off... LOL!! Anyway, this year, I've tried it 2 more times and today, I stayed up for like a whole minute or two, but it felt like a REALLY long time... LOL!! Before, I would "scream like a girl" the whole time, but this time, I just smiled cuz I was really doing it!!!

There was absolutely NO R talk and that was nice, too. I didn't bring up the aunt/uncle comments cuz I didn't want to ruin the day. I did joke with him at one point saying I was excited he was moving back in. He had a momentary freak out... but couldn't say anything before I said "just kidding"... LOL!! We got back LATE!! Only about an hour ago cuz we played until around 7 - 7:30 and stopped to eat at the marina. Now, when we were getting all the stuff out of the back of his truck, I looked for his wedding ring since he kept saying "it must be in the back somewhere". It's not. I took out the baseball gloves since the season is over and some apartment magazines. He said "did I say you could take stuff out" and I said "I was looking for your wedding ring". That's all I said... I didn't say it wasn't there... I didn't call him out saying "you promised 2 things and you've already broken one"... I was very good.

You know I can say the friend thing right now (this moment) cuz I'm confident we can fix this. I'm not sure I'd feel the same if I was unsure.. and I'm not sure I'll feel this confident in five minutes let alone in a day or so!! But it's a woman's prerogative to change her mind, right? :oP

Gotta tell you. I've told you how 7yo has been VERY clingy lately, right? He's constantly coming up to me and kissing me... my arms, my forehead, my lips... just CONSTANT kissing. So I asked him today what was wrong. He wouldn't say. DH was right there. Well, only the 2 of us were in the water at one point and he did it again. I asked him again if he was okay and that although I loved the kisses, I was wondering why he did it all the time. It brings tears to my eyes... he said "I miss you". You know I wanted to tell DH look what you're doing, but I know that's not fair, so I didn't mention what J said at all.

Again, I'm glad you had a good weekend!! Oh and I totally hear you about the rain!! I need my sun. If it rains for more than 2 days here, I can feel myself spiraling. Thank goodness we don't usually get more than 2 days of rain at one time.

I think you're handling your appt this week well. I really admire you for that!!

Keep up the good work!!!

Got the stone kiss this morning. WTH? This man confuses the heck out of me.

Maybe it's time to have another phone coaching session since I paid for 3. C is out of town this week.

Anne... where are you? Hope everything's okay... just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you!!

Thanks, JustD, for the thoughts. I haven't meant to "go dark" on the boards, but I've been busy the past couple days. Nothing bad at all, just too many things here and at work to allow writing.

H&me are doing ok - very easy and comfortable when we talk, and I have been doing well with my "twilight" interaction. I've also been working on some ideas for a romance novel I've had in the works for a number of years now. I'll write more later, but I wanted to let you know that all's well here.

Hope you are doing ok today too! Today's the "FUN" prep for the colonoscopy tomorrow - meaning I can't go too far from the bathroom this afternoon . I'll try to write later anyway, though.

Cheers -
A

Yeah, for you!!! I'm glad you're seriously thinking of writing again!! That would be a HUGE accomplishment!! Good luck!!

Me? I WAY screwed up yesterday. Things had been going so well. Monday the boys asked about our beach trip. I said "what beach trip?" and that I didn't know if we'd have one this year.

So yesterday morning, DH says he'll (finally) take the rest of the week of the 4th off. (I've been asking for months... even before he left.) Plus remember, he said he didn't know if he could spend even 4 days with me? I had already taken the entire week from night job. So he IMs me and says it's too late. That week is blocked. I said I've been telling you for blah blah blah. He says do it anyway and he'll just come home early (his escape plan all along probably) and I said no, I wanted to spend the 4th as a family. Things went downhill from there. WAY downhill.

I was already disappointed and down about that. Really rather pissed off in a "screw it" mood.

The boys started fighting. I tried calming things down with them and all 3 of them were getting involved and as usual 13yo hurt 7yo and I went O.F.F.!!!! I slammed the back door... I yelled... I threw things... then I left. I was FURIOUS. I have had this crap up to here!!

So I'm ready to stay at a hotel for the night and not contact ANYONE. Instead I go to the main library to see if they have different magazines and music. I get a couple of movies for the boys since I'm working 4 nights this week and I go home.

13yo of course won't talk to me. 7yo won't let go of me. 16yo hardly comes out of his room on a good day. I try talking to 13yo to no avail. Then 7yo and I sit down to watch Home Alone when lo and behold who comes home HOURS early? DH!

"How's everything?"
"Fine"
"Okay"
"You're sure home early"

and it went from there... he got the boys and they got in the car so he could take them to dinner. You know I can have a smart mouth, so I said that's great.. take them to dinner and reward them for their behavior. He said it wasn't a reward, it was to give me a break. Did I want to talk? What was the trigger? Now this sounds all serene and thoughtful on "paper", but it wasn't. I start crying I don't know what anyone wants from me... do they want me out? Is that it? (Cuz seriously, I'm thinking at that moment that I am failing at everything!!) Of course he leaves. It's so not fair that he gets to run away every single time. Where do I have to do? The library for a few hours? Ha!!

So then I get destructive. I throw away mementos from anniversaries and our wedding (Precious Moments plates)... glasses from our cruises... took all the pictures down of us... with him. I put those in the boys rooms. Then I emptied his keg. I had this thing in our hallway upstairs that I made... they were "altered" letters spelling FAMILY. They had beautiful paper on them, ribbon, frames and pictures of family moments. Tore the pictures off (and put them away) and threw the other stuff out. Oh, since I emptied his keg, I threw away a couple of his beer glasses. When I say throw away... I mean go out on the deck and throw the crap as far as I could. The plates didn't break and you could see them, so I had to go get them and throw them deeper in the woods. I calmed down after that and cleaned up.

I knew the chicken$h!t wouldn't be back until after I left for work over 2 1/2 hours after he got the boys. So I texted him about 1/2 an hour after I got to work and said "thank you" and he said "4?" and I sent a laughing guy back. What an asshat. I thought he was taking the boys to give me space? So I asked if I could call him later and he said yes. Since I obviously need to go dark for both me and him, I needed to clear the air.

So I called. He said the boys described it as a meltdown. He said he didn't know, cuz he wasn't there today. I said "today? you're NEVER there". I said 99% of the time, I handle things really well!!! He said something like he knew what would fix it (implying coming home). I avoided that. And when it comes time, it will be on MY terms... when *I'm* ready!! Oh and he said something like that would not happen if he was here because I'm a pushover. He said "D, you can't throw things"... I said "ya think".

7yo needs to constantly be entertained. The one time he's doing it for himself and both big brothers come in an start trouble. He was playing XBox 360 which is way too hard for him. Trust me, I am () this close to going to buy a Wii that is more family/kid friendly. () this close!!! I told DH I'd find something to do to keep 7yo out of the house all day today. Thing is? There is NOTHING in this friggin state to do!!!! We're HOURS from the beach... HOURS from Charlotte and Atlanta and even Asheville, NC. HOURS from the state capital. It's like no mans land, I swear. (Coming from San Diego where there were TONS of things to keep kids busy, this sucks.)

Oh yeah and now DH wants to go to the beach by himself. Maybe I can do the same. My work schedule does not permit it... working 4 nights this week including Saturday night. I told him I had given up on the idea of me going to the beach alone because we can't do it financially. Once I get a full time job and really contribute something, maybe, but who knows when that will be.

Anyway, we left it civil... civil as the sitch allowed. I did tell him at the end, the thank you meant for coming and taking the kids. (That was actually me conceding cuz I still felt it was unfair to me and wrong for him to just swoop down and make things better when it should have been me to do the fixing.) He said you're welcome.

I need that song "Bad Day".

By the time I work up this morning (cuz I get off at 1 am), DH had already dropped off 7yo. DH is going out with friends tonight and I work again from 9 to 1, so I shouldn't have a problem staying dark for a while. I need it and he probably wants it. I hate this.

Oh, D... That does sound like one bad day.

BUT, and this is the thing to remember, a bad day does not the whole thing make. Yes, go dark - for YOU as much as anyone. Maybe try to find some middle ground to talk to the boys; explain (again?) your need for them to help, etc. But one day isn't going to make or break what happens otherwise - especially in the overall scheme of things.

I had a few friends tell me how much I needed some time away alone, and I did take it. I don't know if it had a long lasting effect, but it gave me a break. Even if it feels like putting yourself outside the group, could you tell DH you need him to take the boys when he goes to the beach, and you then have some time alone (or with GFs?)? Since you have taken the time off already, maybe give yourself a place to go - even for a night or two - to regain your strength. Just all things to think about for you to do for you.

And one more thing to do just for you: contact your IC. You need someone who can be right there to help you keep your perspective in the midst. You are doing ok, but your frustration punishes you more than anyone else and an IC is the perfect outlet. I know a huge part of my own progress right now is the work I'm doig with my IC for me; I'm able to take that hour to talk about things that are MY issue and that helps so much in the midst of what feels like everyone else's spotlight.

You are a good person dealing with the crappy transitions; give yourself a hug and know you are thought of tonight.

(Oh, and the colonoscopy went ok; I am losing weight and have a messed up GI system only due to stress... )

<<<hugs>>>
Anne

Reading your posts (specifically your responses to me) are like me taking a deep breath!! (Thank you.) My IC is out of town this week. I made reservations anyway for the beach for 5 nights from that Friday night to July 3rd. I had dinner with my GF before work last night. I knew I'd be off early (11:30 instead of 1), so DH and I had plans to meet for a drink, but that fell through.

I can't believe how strong you sound!! I wanna be like you!!

I was wondering why you were having a colonoscopy!! I'm glad everything is okay!! Did you do okay? I had another GF have one last year, but it's cuz her mom passed away from colon cancer. My GF had to be sedated, though, cuz she was way freaked...

I've been taking my ativan for a few nights and sleeping really well and staying asleep. It's addictive though and since I was so tired last night, I didn't take one. Great. I'm still exhausted but I was having a nightmare that even when I woke up and went back to sleep, I went back to that nightmare. Don't you HATE that??!!! I've had it before. Weird. Finally, I decided I had to get up... that I could go back to sleep later. The last part I remember (and I remember a good deal of it) was me throwing wet white clothes in a bag cuz I had everything else packed. I could not take pictures/photo albums/mementos. We were being chased out... just overall weird.

Bought DH's Father's Day gift yesterday. 13yo and I went and bought him this boom box that works with your ipod. It's also a CD player (why? LOL) and an alarm clock. (DH doesn't have one.) It was a very thoughtful gift, I thought. LOL!! I usually like to give him photos of him and the boys (I love photography... no, I'm not that good, but *we* like them... lol). Anyway, I only have one good picture of DH and 7yo... none I'd really want to enlarge and frame of him and the other boys, so I won't be giving that to him this year.

Wow.. check this out.



Here's another one.