Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again NikkiB #16

Thanks ST and Whatisis - appreciate your support.

I'm sorry if my replies earlier sounded a little "snappy" - I didn't mean them that way but was just re-reading and I didn't like my tone in my last post. I do appreciate your advice very much and didn't mean to discount it or sound snappy because of my down mood.

I'm still kind of in a funk but working on it. Don't want to let this go on too long! I'm trying to think what I can do NOW to stop it but having trouble coming up with anything. I wonder if I just need a nap.

I was just starting to feel better when H called to let me know he's going to happy hour after work. You know, the one PW always goes to? He said "Andrew and Steve" (codename for "PW, and maybe Andrew and/or Steve") are going. Yuck.

I originally thought I'd be taking care of my dad most of today but he's actually doing so well he didn't really need any help. He got no sleep last night so he went to bed after getting home and said he'll call me later. I might go with him to my sis's dance class tonight and maybe dinner after.. we'll see, I am being kind of indecisive right now.

Anyway... attempting to snap out of this... I know I've talked about watching a friend of mine race a few times, and they interviewed her for an article. It made me smile even in my funky mood so I thought I'd post it here and maybe it'll make someone else smile, too: http://www.allamericanspeedway.com/interviews11.html

Glad to hear your dad is doing good. Hope he continues to recover successfully.

-JDK

I know what you're saying Nikki, you felt like you needed a little something too...and he went to bed! I've been there. While my Dad was lying in emerg. my W called me to tell me to consider staying at my mom's because she was staying out that night. It took all my strength not to pick up the cell and say "get your sh!t out of our home now!". It is so hard when you need something, even just something small, and they go to bed or are so self absorbed they don't even notice. I empathize but that's also the crappy game we're caught up in. We chose to stay and play!

Nikki --

Three quick thoughts:

1) If you quit obsessing about how to manage H and control his reactions, and instead focus on yourself and simply communicating directly your experience, you will find that life is easier and goes better.

2) Why don't you instead ASSUME that H is not meeting PW? Invite yourself along and unwind after a stressful week. If it turns out she is there, simply report your experience -- it is not OK with you -- then enforce your boundary by leaving.

3) Reread 5LLs on gifts, especially gifts of presence. I think you may be a gifts person (this has nothing at all to do with being materialistic). This may help you communicate to H what you want, and why you felt so hurt and needy last night -- perhaps you felt that way because you felt unloved because of your LL. It may also help you recognize that just because you aren't getting your LL, it doesn't mean you are unloved.

If he gives AOS, odds are that words of affirmation is what he likes to receive.

Ellie

Ack, I told myself NOT TO POST except between 9pm and 9am...

Nikki, I've mentioned this book to a couple of others on the BB, I will do so again. It's called "How To Improve Your Relationship Without Talking About It: Finding Love Beyond Words" by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny, it's Michelle approved! Here is some bullets from the back cover:

*Love is not about better communication. It is about connection.

* You'll never get a closer R with your man by talking to him like you talk to one of your girlfriends

* Male emotions are like women's sexuality: you can't be too direct too quickly

*There are four ways to connect with a man: touch, activity, sex, routines

*Men want closer marriages just as much as women do, but not if they have to act like women

*The secret of the silent male is this: his wife supplies the meaning in his life.

*Talking makes women move closer; it makes men move away.

This is me talking again:
For women talking about the R to get closer is like breathing but for guys it's uncomfortable. When a woman says "can we talk about the R" she's really saying "you aren't taking care of my needs", and he's thinking "how'd I screw up this time" and guys run like Hell from this! So, anyway, it might be worth a look at this book just to help you consider other ways of connecting.
I should start getting a cut from the profits for this book

Thanks OT and Ellie.

OT
1. Working on it.. know I have a lot more work to do though. I came to a realization today (that the rest of you probably already knew) about why I didn't feel safe. I have told H, VERY directly, that his contacting PW hurts me and he chooses to continue to do it. Meaning he chooses to hurt me (I realize this is not why he contacts her, but he does it knowing it hurts me). Meaning.. why in he!! would I want to be vulnerable with him about anything, especially as important as what happened with my dad?? I have no idea what this really means as I JUST realized it, but I am glad I "saw" it.

2. Maybe next week... not strong enough today. Today, I will be happy if I can just stop crying and have a non-forced smile on my face for a portion of the day. But I do thank you for the idea. I decided to go to my sis's dance class. Get to spend some time with dad, and who ISN'T cheered up by a bunch of excited girls practicing for a recital??

Ironically I just found out when getting directions that the dance class is in the same strip mall as the place they always go for happy hour. How crazy is that?

Oh and you're right, I am assuming.. I think with good reason, but still, it's an assumption.

3. When I did the 5LL quiz before #1 by far was quality time. Gifts were either last or second to last if I remember right, but I had forgotten the "gift of presence" thing. I should re-read (or re-listen actually, I bought the CD) and do the quiz again. QT did ring very true for me.

Ellie - thanks. If it's words of affirmation I think I'm "speaking" it pretty well, most of the time. I am very good about noticing things that H does and thanking him, complimenting what he did and how well he did it (sincerely and specifically), complimenting him in general, etc. At least I think I am.. I make a very conscious effort to do it.

OT - we cross-posted. Thank you for the book recommendation! Just from the bullets I like it already. Sounds like it may expand some on the concepts in "For Women Only."

Nikki,
I just wanted to check back in with you. I skimmed your posts. Man it sounds like alot is going on, these folks sure give great advice.
I haven't been on the boards very regularly, it seems like H is having a tough time "letting go". I think that this will definitely come. You seem to be doing fine, I could not make any suggestions better than already given.
I have been thinking of you a lot lately.
As for me, I am getting a bunch of conflicting signals from W, still. It is funny, she was talking about bff choosing others over spending time with her. It was all I could do to say "this seems awfully like what you are doing to me" but bit my tongue.
Anyhow, keep it up!