Don't worry one iota about "hijacking" my thread!!!! Actually, I wanted to know how you were doing and was hoping you'd post back. Please post anytime with questions or to share anything. I don't always have a lot of time online and you're posting here or somewhere I've recently been helps me keep up. Also, trying to share things that might be helpful for others helps me too. It helps me to stay focused, reminds me where I've been and how I need to keep DBing too.
Anyhow... I'm glad you admitted to being a little unreasonable and overreacting at the time you asked for a divorce. Being calm and collected, and taking time to think things over, regardless of ANY situation you are facing in a relationship is extremely important.
I don't like that you asked for a hug. It seems like pursuit, and strikes me as weak. Instead I think giving a quick, friendly touch on the shoulder, or if things feel right, giving a quick friendship-like hug can be okay. Just a friendly icebreaker that doesn't come across as expecting more out of the relationship.
Another thing. I don't like that you asked him to call. Once again it sounds weak and almost.... I hate to say this... like you're begging. Insead, what I did with my husband was I'd say if you are ever bored or just need someone to talk with you can call me. Not that he'd take me up on it in the beginning. But eventually, he did. It leaves a crack open in the door. And then you're ending the conversation on a postivie note.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Hope you had a great weekend. I did pretty well over the weekend (except for an incident w/my S...I'll explain later). I kept busy with the kids and friends. I had a few down times but bounced back after a short time. My H didn't attempt to make any contact w/me or me w/him...and I was okay w/that. In fact, I felt like I didn't want to talk to him.
I admit that I have been weak since our S, maybe even before...part of the problem I am sure. When my H and I were first together, I could have taken or left him and he knew it. Funny how the tables turn. Last Friday when I went into my H's office, I was feeling and acting somewhat weak. I admit it but I thought if I acted too out of character after the blow out, that it would seem insincere. I will have to go to my H's office later this week so, I am planning on flipping the switch then...If I can. I know I am an attractive woman with a nice figure (a little too thin now maybe)and a few brains but I have always been insecure. I know men have treated me badly because of my insecurities which just perpetuated the problem more. I thought I was past all of that when my H and I were married...he ADORED me. I think my insecurities started popping back up when my H started pulling away. I wish I could go back and change things because I know my H can't stand needy women.
I hope it isn't too late for me to show him how strong I can be, but I am starting to question whether or not I really want him back. I think that could work to my advantage if I focus on that when I see him. Anyway, I am going to try to turn this around just so I know in my heart that I gave it my all.
I am not going to ask for hugs or for him to call me. I had thought about mentioning going out for a drink, but I decided that I shouldn't do that either. I will go in to my H's office with a smile on my face, my head held high and looking very confident. I will make small talk for a minute or two, take care of whatever business need to be taken care of and then leave with a "quick friendship-like hug" or no contact at all.
Okay so, that is my plan for this week. Other than my H's bookkeeping, we have several potential opportunites to see each other...
My D's 8th grade promotion is next week. My D's birthday is in the next couple of weeks Our anniversary is in about 3 weeks My H's birthday is in about 3 weeks
I am not sure if I should mention any of these events or not. Father's Day is Sunday and I don't think I should acknowledge it especially since he did not contact me on Mother's Day...said I'm not his mother! Do I make any attempt to celebrate any of this with us/me? I am thinking no.
My mind keeps flashing back to what my H told me last week, that he is still in love w/me. Is he crazy or am I? How could he do this if he is IN LOVE w/me?
Oh, I don't want to forget to tell you what my S15 did Saturday night. Keep in mind that my S has always been a great kid and never gets in trouble. Anyway, he spent the day at an amusement park with friends and he asked if he could have a friend stay over. I knew he was coming in late so I told him to wake me up when he go home which he did about midnight. I woke up again about 3 a.m. and went in to check on the boys and they weren't there. Turns out my S just asked this girl to be his (1st) girlfriend on Saturday and he wanted to see her. Now my S is in big trouble and giving me nothing but attitude...I don't need this too!
You know, one interesting thing is the most beautiful women are often the most insecure. This is something I've observed for a long time. (Particularly in my own mother! And some of my close friends and relatives). I'm not sure why this is.... maybe it's because beautiful women are often conditioned to base their worth on exteriors which are very flimsy measures. All I know is you have to reach beyond that and find other things that nourish self-worth. (Not that one can't enjoy external beauty, but balance and depth brings more fullness and meaning to life).
And it's EXTREMELY typical of very attractive women to measure their self-worth on men. Unfortunately, that senario ususally leads to unhealthy relationships...
From what you've described, it almost sounds to me like you may need to do a little personal growth. I think you are recognizing this and hopefully you can pull away more and focus on you. You are a valuable person. Go out and do healthy things that make you feel good about you. I'm not saying you need to go out and find a cure for cancer, but even little things that make you feel good or make a difference. You may find yourself even happier than you were before the separation. Now's a great time for personal learning and growth! Take advantage of that.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I don't know but I have always been shy and somewhat insecure. My insecurities grew from the time I was a teenager until well after my 1st H left me. After a very ugly D from my first H, I finally found my strength and self-confidence and then I found my current H. I thought most of my insecurities were behind me...and then WHAMO! I think I am beginning to find my strength again and not a moment too soon.
Originally Posted By: runningoutoftime
And it's EXTREMELY typical of very attractive women to measure their self-worth on men. Unfortunately, that senario ususally leads to unhealthy relationships...
I did exactly this until my first M ended. I thought I married my current H for the right reasons...love, friendship, family, etc., I didn't need him to complete me. I was strong and independent and I knew I was just fine without a man. I am getting there again. I think it has just taking me some time because I was blindsided.
In the last few days, I have had friends and family tell me things that make me wonder if there is any hope left to hold on to. People are speculating whether or not my H is having an A. A friend told me that she has never trusted my H because she thought he wasn't honest with her about talking to/emailing a mutual acquaintance (I knew he was friends with her and have never thought her to be threat but now I'm not sure of anything anymore). And then last week, my H told me about a case he might be taking and the more I think about it, the more I am questioning his ethics...something I always had admired him for. I really wish I had a crystal ball to see if the man I once knew will ever return. I am beginning to think no.
I am sorry my post isn't very optimistic. It has been 5 days since I have had any contact with my H. I don't see him making any effort to even work on our friendship and at this point, I'm not sure I even care. And then Yesterday, I got hit on by a guy I used to date before I met my H. Anyway, this guy is currently living with his girlfriend...ewww! My S has been giving me grief since he is all of a sudden so grown up and knows everything. He doesn't like how weak I have been since my H left.
I am numb about everything going on my H, but when I see him,I just want him to put his arms around me and tell me everything will be okay. It is like when I am away from him, I mourn and grieve and start to accept my loss but when I see him, I see them man I used to know not the man he is now. I know everything will be okay and I don't need him to tell me that, but I want the person who used to really love me to suddenly appear. I will go to my H's office tomorrow showing a PMA, looking good, but feeling dead inside. I will do this for me, to make me stronger, not for him.
It's okay to realize your weaknesses. That's probably the first step to building back up again.
I hate to say this, but my guess is that your husband either is having an A or wants to have one. From what I've read most men don't easily leave a marriage unless there's another relationship. And this would explain the changes in him. (i.e. trying to pull away from you, changing into a "different" person, cold and distant...).
I know that's a painful thought, but you have to STOP WORRYING ABOUT HIM and focus on you. Give him lots of leash, give him distance and space to figure out what he wants. In the meantime you just focus on yourself and your kids. They are still young!!!
Enjoy the compliments of OM you meet, but try not to take any of it seriously --and do not get involved with anyone! I know that can be tough for some women. But you are no where near a place for that and I think it would be really unhealthy for your kids. So work on yourself and enjoy your children!!! They will be grown up and gone very quickly and focusing on them will give them the time and love they need from you while at the same time giving you the time to work on yourself. Then, when the last one is 18 (in only five years from now!!!) you'll either be ready for an awesome relationship -- with either your current husband or a someone new. No baggage, and a stronger, independent and more interesting woman!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Hi ROOT- I am not sure if my H is having an A or not. I guess at this point it doesn't really matter because he obviously does not want to be with me. If he is having an A, I will survive. My first H married the OW and had 4 more kids with her. If I can survive that...
I have a lot to focus on other than him. I need to get through the next month and I think I will be in a much better place after that. I will be in the new house and his b-day, our anniversary will have passed. Not sure how to handle those ya know...card, gift, text message, nothing??? I need to figure out what to do with my H's stuff when I move as well...do I move it with me, or do I leave it here for him to come and get? I don't know. I am thinking I should take it with me but leave it in boxes.
I understand what you are saying about not getting involved with anyone. In ways, it would be nice to help dull the pain, but I know I need to work through this and it wouldn't be fair to anyone to get involved with me until I have healed. Now, in the likely event that I do get a D, I would have no problem waiting to date until my kids are out of the house but, my kids are with the father almost 50% of the time plus I know they will be spending more and more time with their friends. I don't want to jump the gun, but I am not sure how realistic it is for me to put my needs on hold for years when I will have so much time by myself.
I'm going to my H's office today. I need to be strong but today I just feel indifferent.
Oh, I'm not saying don't meet guys, go on dates or have fun for the next five years (especially that 50% of the time you don't have the kids!!!!). I'm just recommending that you hold off on having some guy move in, or different boyfriends around the kids all the time, or getting married immediately. I've seen too many kids in this situation (men coming and going... not that this is planned, but in the early stages of a relationship they always seem like "the right one") and I think it's really destructive to the kids.
Would you be pleased seeing your daughter living that type of lifestyle? If you wouldn't want it for your daughter, why would you want it for youself? Anyhow, sorry to be such a pain on this, but I'm a teacher so I often see it from the kid's perspective. Also, with your ex having more children with OW, well.... chances are that the 50% of the time they spend with their dad isn't the greatest? Or am I wrong? I sure hope so....
Anyhow, think very carefully if you do become seriously involved with someone again and consider marriage. Third marriages have a MUCH higher divorce rate (something insanely high), and teenagers, even half the time, aren't going to help.
Sorry to be so negative! (Or bossy!!!!)
Okay, onto the current situation.... with your husband's stuff. I'd box it up and very nicely ask him what he wanted to do with it. If there's not too much I'd offer to drop it off, or ask him when he'd like to pick it up. I packed up my husband's things when he moved and even added things I thought he might need, or mutually owned things I thought he might like. I also added in all the photos in my cupboard that had him in them.
For the birthday, and anniversary... I'd send a light, humorous card (nothing romantic since that would seem like pursuit), and then maybe a gift. I gave my husband gifts during the divorce, but was very careful. Nothing expensive or extravagant, maybe even something useful thing for his apartment or where ever he's living.... inexpensive small appliance. (Something he might use and think about you!) You could even drop off a plate of cookies and write something like... "The kids and I happend to make cookies and there's waaay more than we can finish off... so we thought you might enjoy some! Take care" and just add a little smiley underneath. No "love" or anything mushy.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I hope your weekend is going well and that you are either doing some nice things for youself or having a good time with your kids.
I'm going to be out of town next week. Going to Vegas!!!! I'm slightly nervous about this myself since my family has a history of negative vacations. I have complaining teenagers and my husband often ends up getting angry and disgusted with all of us... saying "You guys never want to go on vacation!!!" and "All you do is complain" blah blah blah (I kind of get thrown in with the group even if I'm not complaining!!!). Oh well... this is just something he's having to learn to deal with and fortunately he has FINALLY gotten better at it. It has taken many years for him to learn how to accept that families aren't perfect and we all have ups and downs, and being part of a family is accepting that. A little bit of conflict is NORMAL!!!! Oh well... you take care.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Hi ROOT- I think I told that I was going to my H's office yesterday to drop off checks. I had called first to make sure he was going to be there and he wasn't so I figured I would do it first thing this morning. Well, my H never showed up or called in to say he wouldn't be in today. He did send his partner, his secretary and me a text about payroll but that was it. I spoke with his partner who is now very concerned. I asked if he had been acting different and his partner said yes. He said he is more "bossy". I said he was irritable and angry with me before he left and he partner agree that he had been acting that way at the office. Sadly, I feel a little better know his anger isn't all directed at me. I think he has to be having a MLC.
I agree with you completely about having boyfriends around my kids or getting remarried (furthest thing from my mind) while they are still at home. I really never introduced my kids to guys I dated until my H and I were pretty serious so, I am very protective when it comes to my kids.
My D has a hard time going to her father's house sometimes. She feels like she is her father's least favorite child...poor thing. She is such a great kid. Great student, great athletic, very sweet and loving, a little onry, great sense of humor and very determined when she wants something. How could you not love her. My S (who is a great kid too) seems okay with his dad. When my H and I married, I decided not to any more kids because I didn't anymore attention away from them.
I will see how it goes for the birthday and anniversary gifts. Who knows if I will even be seeing my H between now and then. And I think will be boxing up my H's stuff and asking him what he wants me to do with it.
Perhaps your husband is in MLC... either way, just giving him space to think and figure things out, while being cordial, smiling, and friendly (without ANY pursuit on your part!!!!), should be a safe reaction to his behavior
I'm very sorry to hear how your daughter feels about her father. Unfortunately that type of situation, and her feelings are not so unusual. Please make sure you make her the center of attention when she's with you (you'll have a "best friend" for life if you do!). Is there a grandfather (or maybe an uncle) who spends time with her, or would be willing to give her some extra attention? Some type of positive male role model?
Well, I hope your week went well. Mine started off good, but then I went into some negative thought patterns and I'm having a hard time pulling away from them. This is something I haven't done in a long time (the last time was Mammoth this last winter). Anyhow, things started off well. We all seemed to be having a great vacation. Lots of joking, fun, joking about my daughter's complaining, singing silly songs, etc... But then after about three days I fell into negative thought patterns. I started thinking that my husband had a better time with OW when they went on vacation together (no kids, just romance...), and they did more fun things (I don't have the details, but I know it must have been good because he wouldn't have hung onto her so long... Also, I'm struggling with the negative feelings I have about being "second choise" or "the default relationship." If OW had left her husband, my husband wouldn't have come back to me. It's a bad feeling. I'm not his first choise. I'm the rebound. When I think about this it makes me feel very sad.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Also, I'm struggling with the negative feelings I have about being "second choise" or "the default relationship." If OW had left her husband, my husband wouldn't have come back to me. It's a bad feeling. I'm not his first choise. I'm the rebound. When I think about this it makes me feel very sad.