I didn't ignore H but I didn't just sit by him either. The concert takes place on the grounds in front of the county courthouse, so there are all types of things going on while the concert plays. I wandered around and talked with friends while H ended up talking to my parents (yah - two birds and one stone! ) The weather was great and the music was lovely, and only at the very end was there any time when I bordered on being irked at H: when talking about when he might come around this weekend, he made a point of saying that if I was going to be home, then he wouldn't be coming over. Had to put in at least one jab to remind me he isn't "coming home." I'm thinking he might have done that b/c it got to him watching me socialize without him - waddaya think?
In the end, I'm feeling better this week than I thought. I'm not going to celebrate a new me - I KNOW I will slip up again - but I'm happy that I've gotten this far.
I hope it's been a good day for you, JustD, and for any others struggling to keep above the emotional waters.
Last night was not a good one. Never ended up at Music on Main because none of the kids wanted to go. You know me, I refused to ask DH if he still wanted to go. Needless to say I was VERY disappointed.
So DH comes over after being at the Y. He tells me he has created a My Space account to keep watch over 13yo. I swear I said it in the nicest way.... "I'm not comfortable with that. I don't think that's appropriate" He told me if I thought he was out there looking, if I thought something was going on or he had other intentions, I was wrong. Then he walked away. He was pretty mad. I'm noticing a pattern. If something I do makes him uncomfortable he is REALLY quick to leave!!! WTH? Must be nice. I had to go to the bathroom to pull myself together and he told DS to give me the link to his (DH's) page. I looked at it and it said "married". On another site where I play games, I put my marital status as "married ~ separated" so I took that as a positive and it also has a picture of him and 13yo DS fishing.
Then I started doing dishes... cleaning up after the boys. I was loading dishwasher and noticed a cookie sheet I had asked 16yo to clean up had baked on pizza crust (which will NOT come off in our dishwasher). I yelled for him to come down. At this point, DH CANNOT move out of here fast enough. I throw the cookie sheet into the other section of the sink and tell J it is NOT clean, he needs to scrub it off. DH comes over, gives me a quick peck on the cheek and is G.O.N.E. So I finish loading the dishwasher,and slam it shut.
By this time I'm in tears... feeling sorry for myself. Dates are important to me. Two years ago, the day before our anniversary, DH takes OW to a hotel (really nice one, too ). He took her flowers the next morning (our anniversary) and to a really nice restaurant for lunch on the same day. He left May 5 this year... so it's now been a month... tomorrow will be 5 weeks. AND yesterday was June 7... that's when we got together 22 years ago. It was "our" day. So when he wanted to meet later at Music on Main, I was hopeful. Well, I wouldn't go alone. I just couldn't. To strengthen my position, the news last night was talking about recent attacks down there... the last one last Thursday. So I was really bummin' over the plans that fell through and how he left which led me to really think about my actions and how I can see he'd say I'll never change... getting angry over something small like the dishes not being done correctly. Then I got mad at him supposedly being mad and back to feeling sorry for myself cuz again, *I* have to do everything. Oh and our checking was under $100 yesterday. I'm the one who does the budget. Haven't been obviously. I haven't worked at my night job since this happened. I quit the scrapbook store, so there is no money coming in from me. Oh and we're WAY over on our minutes on our cells... and we just paid an inflated $400 one!!! (He transferred money to our checking.) I had been on a LOA from my night job, but I'm back on the schedule starting next week, so at least I'll start bringing in a little bit. I'm having a hard time finding a f/t job, but I'll keep looking.
So yeah, I had a little pity party for myself. This was probably before 8, because I took a "chill pill" (I think I'll call it that) and came back downstairs to watch TV. I haven't slept well the past 2 nights, so I was hoping that would help.
I'm watching TV and I get a text from DH that says if I want to talk, to call him after 9 (remember, we're out of our minutes, although I thought we had free mobile to mobile, but whatever). I didn't know what to do. Do I call? I go back and forth... D, he's reaching out to you... accept it. No, I don't want him to see me weak... show him you don't need him.
Didn't matter because like 2 mins to 9, HE calls and is on his way because there are problems at work and he needs to remote in. He does not have internet access at his place.
We did not discuss what happened earlier and by 10:30, I was BEAT, so I said "I'm going to bed". I kissed him and got stone lips (yeah, I think I'll call it that). I finished cleaning the kitchen and gave him another 2 kisses and the 2nd one was much better. Then I went up stairs and crashed. I swear I don't even think I moved until I woke up at 5!! Of course my dreams were filled with nightmares about him leaving and finding someone else.
And yeah, I'll admit I was disappointed he didn't just spend the night. I have no idea what time he left. I woke up this morning with every light on in the house. But I was proud of myself for not asking him to spend the night... LOL!!
I guess I shouldn't tell you that he brought a basket of clothes over yesterday and of course, they were all done and folded before he left last night. He made a "one day service comment", but I didn't hear a thank you. Now I'm doing his laundry and will continue to for a couple of reasons. But actually doing his laundry (and so quickly) is a 180 of sorts. One of his complaints was during my depression, the laundry would get WAY out of control...we're talking pretty darn tall. He said he would try to encourage me to do the laundry by doing it himself and it never worked. So... anyway. The other reason will sound too crazy so I'll save that for now... LOL!!
Tonight's that party. I'm not really excited to go, but what the heck. Now it's only women, but how do I dress? See... I had an outfit picked out for last night, but didn't get to wear it. It's just a denim skort, but the top was black and low cut. It's a shirt I know he likes. So do I wear it tonight or do I wait and wear it on our next date night... whenever that will be.
I think I'm gonna go back to bed now... lol...
Hopefully I can get some more rest, get up and go to the Y before he gets here.
Oh, D, that does sound like one of those nightmarish days. I hate them! I think it's the constant self-talk - that voice inside that's arguing over whether any action is the right one, if anything done will hurt any progress, how anything seems to be my fault and not his ... you know - that's the most fatiguing and frustrating!
I don't question your motives behind doing H's laundry. We all have the things we do in order to keep sane, and if doing his laundry feels right for you, go to it girlfriend. My H wouldn't let do his if I offered; I just suggested that he use our machines when the ones at his place weren't working, and he wouldn't go even that far. But as we have shared, your situation and mine seem so different even in the midst of all of our personal similarities.
I hope your day today goes better. I think as far as what to wear - why don't you wait until just before you go. Then you can decide if you are in a more casual and "out with GFs" mood, or if you are feeling strong and sexy.
Exercise for me at the Y; I'm not getting myself out enough these days.
See, about the clothes. I'll probably be gone by the time he gets here, but he'll definitely be here (if not pick me up) after the party. Soooo? I just don't know. I'll probably go somewhere in between... LOL!!
I've kinda gone dark again... twilight as you like to call it. I couldn't go back to sleep, so I dinked around and went to the Y before 7:30. So I didn't get to see him... and like I said I probably won't until later tonight. Of course, I won't call between now and then.
Got any plans for the weekend? I don't think we have any tomorrow. He might take the boys 4wheelin' and I think we're going to the lake Sunday.
When's Father's Day? Next weekend? How do you plan on handling that?
Well, nothing with GFs. Tomorrow I get to take my collies - 2 - to get groomed (a four hour exercise) and then I have to stop by a senior graduation open house - the last one of the year. I get to talk finances again w/ H before all this - OH GOODY!! - and I'll be trying to keep from blowing my dark-ish week.
Sunday is S2's birthday - he officially becomes 13! - and at sometime that day, H will come over and we will have a birthday lunch. Probably a bit awkward, but S2 has asked.
Father's Day will probably be handled lightly. The boys have to decide betw. giving H an oil change for his truck - much needed - or a subscription to a scientific magazine he wants. Other than that and a pair of home made cards, I'm not sure what we are doing. For Mother's Day, I went out with the boys and my parents. Maybe the boys will go out with their dad. I can't guess, though.
I'm feeling a bit edgy tonight. I had my parents over for dinner. (They only moved here - actually to the small acreage next door - last fall, and we don't do this often.) My mom has a way of touching off my nerves, although I keep trying to detach from her, and after my dad repeated all of the stories he told the last time we got together, he didn't have anything to say. I think H&my situation was the big pink elephant in the living room - my parents don't deal well, although H is more kind and helpful to them than me right now. So I'm feeling that icky anxiety after effects that come around and gives me the blues. I think I better go to bed soon and hopefully tomorrow will dawn happier and I'll have my strength back again.
Do you mind if I write one more thing (this is really long already, but...)?
Tonight S2 and I were watching DVD's of the second season of House, M.D. We watched one episode where a 9yo girl is dying of cancer. Afterwards, S2 says to me that he figures that he can't get cancer b/c the stress would kill me. I said that I didn't think so b/c I'm getting stronger all the time, and he said "yes, but you are still really fragile." GREAT! I'm going to cry! Why does this all make me feel so guilty? I have both of my sons caring for me, despite my attempts to bravely go on... So, do you think I'm messing them up?
I suspect this is being posted too late for you tonight. I'll try to let you know what happens tomorrow.
Oh Honey, no, you're not messing them up!!! Just keep doing what you're doing and they'll see and believe you're getting stronger!! One day at a time, right?
Sorry about your night. I know that icky feeling you're talking about.
Mine didn't go much better. I went to the party and sipped one drink all night. They all knew each other cuz they work together. One of the girls brought her sister who was in from NY so we sat and talked the entire time. That was really nice. I came home around 10.
Oh... let me back up. Both DS7 and I tried calling DH when I left. He never answered his cell. I told myself (I do this chant thing)... please let him be at the Y... please let him be at the Y. He wasn't (cuz GF lives right around the corner, so I checked). He didn't get here until 8. So he was out. Now, you know I can't question too much, but I was angry and more than a little suspicious. I don't know if I'll ever get over the A. I need his help with that, but can't ask cuz I think it will make him mad and we'll never fix this.
So I get here around 10 and DH is in his pajamas, playing video games with the boys and doing laundry. Huh? You ask why is he doing laundry when I'm doing his laundry? So I immediately think he's slept with someone else and has to wash his clothes. I question him about going out and doing his laundry. He admitted he went out with B (his friend from work... the one that just got laid off) and had a drink. He said he needed to wash his towels, so he threw everything in. Okay. Of course, I assume he's washing away evidence.
I look through his wallet. I see where he went and what he had to drink. There were 2 people... separate checks... but he doesn't drink vodka. There were 2 Jim Beams (his drink) and one vodka. Strange, but I can't question cuz he can't know I'm going though his wallet.
My laptop screen got fried and died the other day, so he set me up with another one and told me to check it out. He came into the kitchen and we were talking about B and how bummed he is. Not only did he get laid off, but one if his BFs is in a coma after being hit by his GF (his BF's GF). She was arrested and spent time in jail. This happened a couple of weeks ago and he is still not out of the coma. The GF has been charged with felony DUI. So B is pretty torn up about it and DH tells me the whole story of what happened to B's BF.
We started talking about B being laid off and he said he probably wouldn't last a year and how with his recent raise, he is at 101% of his pay grade or whatever and he will not find a job in the area paying that much... only in Atlanta or Charlotte. Whoa... back up. Huh? So I tell him I'm looking for a FT job and he can take the pay cut if he has to. We argued. I told him even if he made this money in Atlanta or Charlotte, we still can't afford two households!! He said "are you asking me to take a pay cut"? So I said, I'm more concerned about my family than you taking a pay cut!! He said he would commute like he did a few years ago and I brought up gas prices and he said something like D, don't worry about it... but in a this conversation is over type tone. So I said (have you figured out I can be a hot head yet?) I said well, you better leave now... when you don't like what I have to say, you always leave. I said it again a little later and he said at one point... something about he always runs, right? Or something like that.
He played one more game with 7DS and 7DS kept asking "when are we going home?" Yeah, that hurt a little... a lot.
I don't know. I just don't know.
You know, for the first time in years, I can look him in the eyes, but I don't think I see anything there. I try to convince myself I'll be okay without him. I feel like he blames me for everything... for getting married so early (no, I was not pg )... for having kids so early... for having 3 kids (he really fought me on having the last).
I don't know. One of the things he's been saying over the past 2 years is during my depression and during the time I became a SAHM, he lost all respect for me. He says he knows it's wrong, cuz he asked me to stay home, it was a mutual decision, but still...
I don't know... I wish there was someone who could walk me through the whole thing and tell me what to do so I could do everything right.
Maybe him taking a job in Charlotte or Atlanta and moving to one of those places would be what he needs. But no way in hell would I let him take 7DS with him. Maybe then he'd realize what he's throwing away? I don't know... last night and this morning, I'm confused.
I'm having problems staying asleep all of a sudden. I'm exhausted at night and fall right to sleep, but I'm up at 5 every morning and I can't go back to sleep until I've been up for awhile.
You know, I come here and rant, then I pull myself together and put on my strong face, so he doesn't see my turmoil. I try to be so nonchalant around him, ya know? Sorry for the huge post yet again, but I need to get all this out.
Here's to a better day/weekend for the both of us. Had any luck with the crystal ball, cuz I'm having a hard time finding a magic wand.
Oh, BTW, there were only towels and his workout clothes in the wash. He left his pants on my bed. Yeah, I checked the pockets... only a lottery ticket.
D - What an evening! I think Fridays are the curse of the separated!
I'm doing ok this morning, although I'm trying to be very aware of myself since I know H&me are going to talk finances today.
I wondered from what you wrote: are you seeing an IC? Is that possible, or at least a good clergyperson? Even though they don't have the answers to the questions you and I would like to have, I know I'm able to weather the storms a bit easier b/c my IC is helping me focus on me. I'm able to find support for taking my focus off H, giving myself the attention I need to grow strong and independent. My IC, even though she herself is divorced, is also supportive of my wanting to wait in this separation instead of working towards a divorce - at least, she doesn't push me towards "acceptance" of a "given".
Just a thought. I too have only recently found myself able to sleep in; up until a couple weeks ago, I was always doing what you describe of waking up really early and then going back to bed a few hours later for an hour or so more. It's that wonderful anxious mind!
It's sunny and lovely weather here today; how about there? A
Yeah, I haven't seen her in a while, guess I should call.
It's a beautiful day here, too. I think we're supposed to get rain today and tomorrow will be cooler (80s instead of 90s). We'll go to the lake tomorrow. He said he'd be over to do yard work today... maybe lay down mulch.
I'm off to the Y. I think that's my best time of the day. I'm taking the step class again today and then maybe I'll hang out and do other stuff for a while after that. I have my music and my book.
Good luck with the finance talk. Maybe rehearse with yourself some responses to whatever you're imagining will happen???
Yesterday ended up being a good day. He spent the night last night cuz he'd been drinking. (He slept on the couch... thank goodness, cuz at one point I could hear him snoring all the way up here!! ) He said "D, I have to tell you..." and I said "I know... this doesn't mean you're moving back".
We laughed and smiled a lot. He said it looked good on me. We talked about who I used to be... who he fell in love with... he described me as fun! (Ha!! Remember? That's what I said!!) He said again he's working on becoming my friend, not my nemesis. He said he didn't know if we could ever come back together again. I told him that I knew we could, I just didn't know when. I told him again that I thought he was placing a lot of blame on me to help ease his guilt. He laughed!!
We were very civil. He told me he was amazed at how I'm handling it. He thanked me for calling his bluff the day he said he needed to move out and I asked if he wanted me to pack his bags. He thanked me for letting 7yo live with him.
There were no ILYs... it was just really easy conversation... like we were friends again... or that we could be friends again, ya know?
It was just weird. I think we both enjoyed being in each other's company yesterday. There was no tension... probably because he realizes I'm not gonna beg him to come back and probably because I know we're not close to that happening.
I don't know... it just felt good.
Ooohh! We did talk about my "jab" the other night... about how if he doesn't like something I say or my tone, he just leaves. He said yes, he does, he doesn't need to put up with "it". I forget what my response was, but it was something close to BS... LOL!!
Of course, I fell right to sleep again last night, but was up at 4:30 this morning!!!! I had to sneak down stairs to get my laptop and book!!
I just remembered something... He said he's two different people... he's different around me and he's working on that. Apparently an aunt in CA mentioned it to him or to his uncle, who relayed it back to him... "She said you're different around HER". WTH? We saw these people once every couple of years for like a few hours!! I think I might have to bring that up today. When he moved from So. Cal, he was in junior high!! He's an adult now... I hope he's different from then! Dumb @$$e$!!! For goodness sake, the man is married and has children!! Pisses me off!!
Okay, well, I think I'm gonna go back to bed for a little while since everyone is still asleep!!
Oh...and no rain. It was 99 yesterday (officially 98 which was a record... lol). I don't think it was supposed to get that hot (it was supposed to be in the low 90s an they were predicting the same for today). It's absolutely gorgeous!! It's already 75!
(He also offered to give me the PW for his my space page... said he really is just using it to keep an eye out on DS.)
That sounds like an amiable talk. We can talk simply, but not much about current situations. H will mention our ability to always talk - and when I brought up to him my regret if we D of not having anyone to talk to who knew my sister and had lived through the events we had, he said he would always be there. I can't go there right now, though. I'm not sure I can be just his friend - not yet. I don't want to be his adversary, but the image of us being casual friends just doesn't seem real or possible for a long while. BUT, I might be wrong - I'll cross that bridge when we get there.
Yesterday went ok. The finance talk was without contention and I managed not to venture into R talk at all. We discussed briefly our feelings about S1's R with GF, and what we each expected in terms of how much supervision they need; luckily we were in agreement on that one. I ended up going off to take the dogs for their 2xyr grooming - it took 5 HOURS! - and didn't talk to H until last night when we confirmed times for S2's B-day get together today.
Now that will be a bit awkward. S2 wants us to have a dinner and cake, and after he and I talked a bit, we decided just to have me make my pasta sauce, etc. I know you and DH eat together alot, but this will be pretty much a first since my H moved out. At least yesterday H mentioned that he will be edgy today b/c of a new working situation on Monday; when I thanked him for telling me so I wouldn't take it personally, he reconfirmed that it wouldn't be me. Still, I'm a bit anxious about today. I don't want it to go poorly b/c it's S2's day! I will do a fair amount of meditating and mental prep b/f H comes over!!!
The weather has been gorgeous the past couple days - mid 80s and sunny. This still threatens to be a wet summer, though, and that never bodes well for my mental state. But what am I worried about? My mental state can't get much worse, right???
I'll let you know what happens today. I hope things are good for you at that end.
(Isn't this the most surreal situation you ever have found yourself in? I never thought I'd be thinking or considering any of what I've been...)
) The weather was great and the music was lovely, and only at the very end was there any time when I bordered on being irked at H: when talking about when he might come around this weekend, he made a point of saying that if I was going to be home, then he wouldn't be coming over. Had to put in at least one jab to remind me he isn't "coming home." I'm thinking he might have done that b/c it got to him watching me socialize without him - waddaya think?
). He took her flowers the next morning (our anniversary) and to a really nice restaurant for lunch on the same day. He left May 5 this year... so it's now been a month... tomorrow will be 5 weeks. AND yesterday was June 7... that's when we got together 22 years ago. It was "our" day. So when he wanted to meet later at Music on Main, I was hopeful. Well, I wouldn't go alone. I just couldn't. To strengthen my position, the news last night was talking about recent attacks down there... the last one last Thursday. 
- and I'll be trying to keep from blowing my dark-ish week.
I forget what my response was, but it was something close to BS... LOL!!