Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again NikkiB #16

I think H was telling you to take care of yourself during a difficult time rather than focusing on trying to manage him as if he were a delicate flower.

Expect him to be a man you can count on and lean on. He will appreciate you being vulnerable with him and appreciate the opportunity to be there for you.

Denying him either is denying you both the chance to build trust and intimacy.

Truly just a general comment here, so, whoever wants to get defensive, go ahead, I don't have anyone in particular in mind. But, if you do find yourself feeling defensive, it may worth be paying attention to. We are rarely defensive about things unless there is some amount of truth in them for us in some way....

Anyway...

It is a very common thing among the LBWs here that they treat their H's like children, infantalizing them in a million small ways. (Yes, I did this to XH.)

I think part of the attraction of OWs is that they treat them like M E N.

Yet, many of the LBWs resist treating their Hs like M E N because they think NOT treating them like children amounts to NOT showing them they love them. But, M E N want love that demonstrates respect, not condescension.

Very quick update...

My dad's procedure went SO well. He had the angiogram and they found 80-90% blockage in one artery - but only one, so they were able to also repair it today. Actually better than they expected. Yay!!! I spent most of the evening at the hospital with my dad, as they did keep him overnight, but he seemed to be doing really well.

OT - you may be right on your interpretation of what H said. I may find out someday if I'm lucky huh?

H is acting really just, I dunno, weird and distant and it's kind of freaking me out. Tonight I got home and we talked a bit but I just felt this huge distance. I finally asked lightly "So watcha thinking?" and he said "Nothing... just stop. I know you're thinking a dozen things and they're all crazy, please just let me stop thinking."

Still not sure what to think about that and frankly too tired to care or figure it out right now. I did respond "Don't worry babe not thinking anything crazy, just trying to ask how you're doing as I know this really freaked me out." H said "yeah" but that was it, started talking about the TV show that was on. Frustrating... but my focus is elsewhere right now.

OT.. I am not being defensive, just asking - how do you think you demonstrate love in that way? (not you personally, "you" as in "the LBW".. hope that makes sense) One of my H's biggest complaints was I loved my life but not HIM and so I'm trying to show I truly do love HIM (which I do)... but then is that coming off as condescending, mothering, etc??? Make any sense?

Thanks again all. I am so tired.

Nikki,

I'm so glad your dad is doing well, that is wonderful.

Since you asked, take a look at how weird this interaction is:

"H is acting really just, I dunno, weird and distant and it's kind of freaking me out. Tonight I got home and we talked a bit but I just felt this huge distance. I finally asked lightly "So watcha thinking?" and he said "Nothing... just stop. I know you're thinking a dozen things and they're all crazy, please just let me stop thinking."

Still not sure what to think about that and frankly too tired to care or figure it out right now. I did respond "Don't worry babe not thinking anything crazy, just trying to ask how you're doing as I know this really freaked me out." H said "yeah" but that was it, started talking about the TV show that was on. "

Think about how weird this interaction is... You feel insecure, you feel distance, so you question him about what he is thinking? He doesn't feel like sharing. Then you defend your questioning of him based on how you were feeling about something else entirely different than what prompted your questioning.

Consider this alternative:

Nikki: "H, wow, I had a rough day. I feel a little weird and disconnected. I'm not sure what that is about -- is there some tension between us or is it just my perception?"

...
If you want to show your H you love him, speak his LL, don't try to manage him or his feelings or his reactions.

Nikki, H told you he was feeling overwhelmed "please just let me stop thinking". He needed distance. Maybe just give it to him at that point, that was his need at that time. Just a thought.

I think what OT is saying about the mothering thing...is that we end up deciding FOR THEM what is okay for H to know or not know because of how we think they can handle a sitch or not. They need to feel consequences. Life isn't about us keeping them safe and away from harm.

H is going to have to learn to deal with whatever is bugging him. I would say just to let him be and when he feels like talking about it (if he does that is) then let him talk then.

I'm just wondering if his comment on "you take care of yourself" was meant like him thinking "oh no, now it's all going to go down hill from here, just like before".

I think it would be good to show him your strength thru this time with your dad, and that your not going to let this hump put you down-turn you back into the insecure person that you had turned into. (just like me too) Now of course you can show vulnerabilty as OT said, because what your dad is/has gone thru is a tough thing...but it doesn't mean you "lose" yourself...you know what I mean?

okay, gotta go, I'll talk more later...Glad your dad's thing turned out better than expected! I will pray for his health

Oldtimer that helps - thanks. Yeah the interaction was definitely weird but I was having a hard time seeing why - that makes more sense now.

I'm so mentally exhausted. Does this stuff ever come easy??? I just feel like giving up sometimes because it's so hard to get it "right." Not so much giving up on my R with H as just giving up on Rs in general. It feels like it shouldn't be this hard. I know that's not the answer, just fleeting thoughts. I guess I'm like H, just tired of thinking.

About the LL - that actually brings me back to that "mothering" question I had. I am not 100% sure about his LL and haven't felt the time was right to bring up 5LL with him yet. I definitely think he "gives" in acts of service, because he does things for me (big and small) when he seems to be in a close, loving kind of place. I think that's possibly what he "receives" in too as he is usually very appreciative of things that I do for him. I could be wrong, so I do try to cover other possible LLs as well, but if it is in fact acts of service... I kind of get confused on what's showing love in his LL and what's "mothering" or infantilizing the way you described earlier.

Whatis and ST - thanks for checking in.

Whatis - I see what you're saying. It frustrates me tremendously since I was only home with H for all of 20 minutes before he went to bed (had been with my dad all night). How much distance can he possibly need??? And there's a "yeah but what about what I might need" element, too. (and I wasn't even sure what I needed so I didn't know what to ask for - that's certainly not his fault, but just another frustrating part of it). But I do see what you are saying.

ST - good point on the "take care of yourself," that could be. Today I am at a point of not really caring what I "show" him in dealing with things with my dad. I know this sounds awful but part of me wishes he just wasn't here. It's hard enough dealing with my dad, but having to think everything else through in so much detail.. it's just too much.

I guess it's all just emphasizing for me how much I suck at relationships and communicating, and I don't even feel like fixing it at the moment.

Sorry to be such a downer... I am still very, very relieved and happy for how things are going with my dad.

Don't be sorry. Your in a tough place right now. There were definitely times I was thinking. ug, I'm tired of trying so hard. A lot of this will subside when the confidence of the M builds. I don't feel like I'm trying so hard anymore now. Most of the time it seems easy, and occassionally...okay, maybe a lot, of the hard part is mostly from the kids, but I feel like him and I are in it together and we're more on the same page now.

And you don't suck at Rs...you just got your H back! That's a huge feat that not all of us can accomplish! It will take some learning on both of your parts, and unfortunately I think it will be harder for the LBS because we HAVE understanding, and the WAS doesn't. They never had to, except to figure themselves out. They didn't read the DB/DR books, so they may take longer in understanding the R part of it. does that make sense? So, we're kinda like waiting for them to catch up with us. We had to learn the "cram for a final the next day" way, so we just need to be patient, and continue to learn.

hey, and I didn't mean to say pay attention to what your showing him, you just worry about yourself (and dad) right now and continue to stay real with yourself. The rest will take care of itself, IMHO,

Nikki, sometimes when we're working so hard at creating connection we are really shooting ourselves in the foot! They sense how hard we are trying and move away. Think about what would have been a 180 for you to have done in this situation, just for next time.
BTW great news about your Dad