Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? What Do I Do Next?

Kausion, I saw a quote either from Tia or Michelle (or maybe they quoted someone else???) but it was basically, waiting around for your WAW isn't going to help anything. Leave the door open for reconciliation but focus on yourself and your daughter. I think you see that, it sounds like it from your posts. Don't give up faith and hope, but don't sit around waiting for your W to come around either. When the time is right, she will.

She IS confused, she's unsure of her feelings, she's tormented, I dare say. Her pride will not let her give in to you coming back so "easily." There has to be work, there has to be drama, there has to be even "excitement" (I know, makes no sense but, there you go).

Keep working on yourself, keep doing your thing, make sure your daughter knows she is LOVED, and your wife will figure out her stuff. At least you get to see her sometimes.

Filing is a weird thing. My wife filed right away when she kicked me out of the house, and hasn't done much since that was over 2 months ago. She claimed she's 100% done yet, she isn't??? I don't get it, but I also don't sit and stress about it (too much ). The emotional issues do not equal the legal issues. it's hard, if not impossible for the WAW to see the difference, but you can.

Good luck, and don't give up.

Kausion, I am sorry that you are in this situation. Many have filed and then reconciled. I know of a recent couple who actually divorced and are now getting married to each other again. Go figure! I know there are things you can do by stalling the divorce etc.

Keep DB'ing it will help you come out of this a better person. It is possible we make rash and quick decisions, based on feelings and emotions and not what we really want. I have made rash quick decisions many times and then regretted it. I hope this is what your W is doing.

There is always hope! You have just been thrown a curve ball, try a new strategy. Check the boards about divorce. You might get some good advice. Good luck!

The weird thing is that two years ago we separated for 6 months (failed to mention this). We separated in November. She talked about filing after 3 months. (Same thing right now). She filed in late March. I was snooping, calling her relatives, begging, etc. She said that if I didn't do any of that she would have came back to me sooner. After she filed, I suggested that we go to counseling. Answer was no. I filed for conciliation counseling. WE spoke to a court counselor and he said our marriage is not bad at all! He said he was surprised to even have us in his office. He suggested counseling. My wife agreed to go. I suggested Retrouvaille, my wife wasn't sure at first. Then a week later, she told me in person that she wanted to go. I got excited and told her that I booked our reservations and she said, sorry and that she doesn't want to go. I was upset! A month later, she suggested that we go and she was ready to try. Retrouvaille was amazing. After the 2nd night, she said she loves me and thanked me for fighting for our marriage. We were back together again, happily. She cancelled the D.

Now we are back in the same spot. I wonder if she'll come back to the marriage. We have separated everything out of our house. She is moving into a new house that I signed off on. I didn't want to argue over it. She needs a place to live with D3. Our money is separate. Our only link is D3. I have been down this road and it only lasted 6 months. I am not sure if my wife will repeat history and realize that she does love me.

Hmm, I don't want to be a jerk, but is there an OM?

If not, your W is just really confused and trying to work through things the best she knows how. Do what you said, give her the space, let her know you're there for her, and see what happens. Come join me, it's getting to be quite a group.

No there is not anyone else. She has told me that.

Then you know what to do.

I got some really good advice a few days ago. Set some parameters for yourself. Determine how long you're willing to fight if things look good. If they don't look good determine how long you'll fight.

My timelines are exactly the same for both scenarios - I will wait forever. I can wait forever for my W. She is THAT important to me. My family is THAT important to me. That's my personal choice. Make yours and get to work.

If you haven't been to a DB coach, and you can afford it, I highly recommend it. Jodi is my coach, she's great. Try that out too.

Updated…

I decided to take the day off. I picked up D3 from my wife’s office. I spoke to her for a minute to get a read on where she is. She said that after I was out of the house for 3 days she made up her mind that she was going to file for a D. She said that she told me that if I don’t come back, she is done. She said she sat in the house and cried for 3 days. She said, “you know that I am stubborn and I made my mind up 3 days after you were gone”. She then said, what did you think I was just going to let you come back into my life after leaving? She said I can’t live my life like that. She said that she noticed a change in my behavior the last few weeks that I was being nice and friendly. She said that I will be friendly and nice and then go back to my hobbies to keep myself happy. She said that she wants our conversations to be brief. She said that she doesn’t want to know what I am thinking of feeling. She said that she loves me as a person, but she doesn’t love me. She said that she does still want to go to the circus July 1st with D3. I suggested that we do other small things like lunch at the office so that the circus is not odd. She said, no. She said that we won’t have to interact much at the circus. I suggested that we attend counseling for the sake of D3. D3 is always asking me to spend the night and talking about us being together all of the time. She said that she talks to D3 and tells her that some times daddies and mommies are just friends and that they don’t live together. I told her that this is not good enough. She has so many questions and is starting to understand the purpose of a family. She may be open for this counseling, she didn’t respond. She said that she has to first make herself happy and then she can work on our ‘friendship’.

I was sitting there thinking how selfish and stubborn of you. What do you think about D3. She is putting her happiness before D3’s. I didn’t say anything. It is like she is trying to justify her actions. She suggested that in August we have two different parties for D3 because this will be too difficult for the families to handle. (Projecting on her part…Sounds like Guilt to me). I thanked her for her time and asked what can I do to help her feel comfortable. She suggested that I be a good father and be brief with her. She said that she is taking D3 to Disneyland this weekend. She asked me a while back and I said that is fine.

Why can she be nice and friendly and get along AFTER D, but not while you're married? I asked my W that and she couldn't/didn't answer.

Give her some space, I'll bet she waffles a LOT more before it's all figured out. Good luck!!!

Good question. I believe because right now she is reacting based upon her emotions. She thinks that she'll be happy. She even admitted that things are going to be really hard for her because we have been together for 11 years. I did ask for us to spend small time together leading up to the circus. She said that we will get our first chance at the circus. She made a comment about baby steps. She did admit that we will need to start doing things with D3 eventually. I still can't believe that she needed to file

Cleaning out my mail box came across this after I left.

Also, as for us...you really hurt me. I know we fight I know that things are not perfect, but everyday is a new day. When i try with you, you always continue to act disrespectful and cocky. You know how to fight to win me back, that has been evident for years, but I need you to fight to KEEP me.

MY WIFE'S WORDS! Guess she wants me to keep fighting!