So after the slight backtrack from W, (which I knew would only last a day if that), she is now again on full tilt D mode. We only have to resolve the kid support issues and the attys can write it up. The D is inevitable.
We had a bit of a reminiscing discussion yesterday. She has been reading a book about how to pick your spouse and found some interesting tidbits about places we are compatible and some we are not. Of course, she basically pointed out all the ways we are not compatible. The 90% of the places we work well were glossed over.
During the discussion, I mentioned to her that I felt that the few times I really needed her to be there for me (specificially once when I got laid off from my job) that she had been only focused on how she was affected by it (she wouldn't have money and actually said to me "Get a job."). She had no compassion for what I was going through and I told her felt that she did a terrible job of being a supportive wife. Her excuse was that she didn't want to be married to me and thought I was a loser when that happened. So, at the lowest point in my life, her response was to decide at that time (for the first time in our marriage) that she didn't want to be with me and show me that side of her. I couldn't believe it. She actually picked my lowest point to begin to pull away and decide we were done! (I asked, "Why didn't you support me then?" She said, "Because I didn't want to be with you.") I think that is the coldest thing I've ever heard in my life. And to hear her yesterday continue to cold-heartedly justify that she did the right thing just ended it for me. I will not be going back with her. I had been assuming she did it because she was too worried about herself. To hear that she did it intentionally is just shocking and devastating.
She also mentioned that she knew after our second date that I was not "the one" for her. But she dated me, moved in with me, married me, had kids with me and a 20 year life, and used the excuse that she "knew" I wouldn't let her go, so all of that was my fault. Which, of course, makes absolutely no sense since she's doing it now. But since when did this make sense. She did some counseling herself before we had kids, in which I thought she was dealing with her family of origin issues, but now says she was trying to decide whether to end it then or start a family with me! When I asked why she didn't end it then, she used the "I knew you'd never let me go" line. Unbelievable!
She actually thanked me for the discussion, and is happy we can talk civilly about the D. I told her I hate her, only half joking.
Who the heck decides to have kids with someone they don't love? What an idiot!
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
Holy crap man! That is a damaged individual. I know she's your W and you probably still have feelings for her, but that is some messed up sh1t! That's not even human. I know I'm not helping. I know you don't want to hear it, but that is just messed up and I can't even imagine the hurt. I am really sorry man.
How have you been otherwise? I know that takes up a lot of your brain power and energy, but have you been able to do things for you at all???
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
Sounds like she wrote a story and convinced herself.
Revisionism. It's what's for supper these days...
Well, my wife comes up with I never went to chick flicks with her as revisionism. His wife comes up with she never loved him from the 2nd date and only had kids with him because he'd never let her go??? WHAT???
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
Oh, yeah, I have a full life. I run marathons (last one, Dublin, Ireland), do photography for our running club, I'm sailing a double-handed race on Lake Michigan in two weeks with my dad, etc. That doesn't even count work and all the kid events. Plus dealing with attys and house hunting! So, it's a full life. And I'm not even thinking about dating yet, so that will take more time once I get some distance from this debacle.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
Yes, please remember not to take the aliens too literally. They almost ALL have to rewrite history in order to justify what they are doing. The better the marriage, the harder they have to reach in order to justify it. I've seen it so many times over the years on this board. One woman's H was leaving her because she was "too fat" - at 5'8" and 120 lbs.! One H was leaving because his feelings were hurt by one innocuous comment his wife made 8 years ago. Etc. etc. etc. The better the marriage, the more absurd the explanation.
I'm sure you can look through your files and find loving cards and mementos from years ago that prove she DID love you.
But what she is telling you is, she's had depressive episodes before and is having one now. During those bleak times, it FEELS like she never loved you - because SHE can't feel it right nOW.
I'm not saying you should wait for her - that's strictly a personal decision. But don't go away feeling as if the last 20 years have been a complete lie, because they haven't been, no matter what the alien spews.
I agree w/all, H "remembered" an incident when were just newlyweds and claims that it set the pace to our M and that's why he ended up leaving and all that other crap that happened.
Yeah...right
And pigs fly.
So don't believe one bit of it my friend, she has to convince herself that it was all a big mistake (yours) and that she was an innocent bystander.
You go on GAL as awesome and you've been doing.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I'm sure you can look through your files and find loving cards and mementos from years ago that prove she DID love you.
But what she is telling you is, she's had depressive episodes before and is having one now. During those bleak times, it FEELS like she never loved you - because SHE can't feel it right nOW.
Not sure this is always the case and maybe something B4 is dealing with too. I have had to come to grips with the possibility that my W not only has probably never truly, deeply loved me, but as she is now, lacks the capacity to do so.
I honestly cannot look back and not find too many cards or notes. I just spoke to my C about the fact that in 13 years of marriage I have only even gotten one card for our anniversary (10th)and NEVER anything else from her to make that day special. C said "that is so wrong on so many levels". No effort from W to ever make any moment really special. The few cards I have received have been at times like when I was away on a research trip for three weeks. She put a card in my suitcase that she wrote some generic sentiment. Something about missing me and needing me around the house for stuff.
There are indeed people who enter into marriages under false conditions like this although I'm sure they tell themselves something different. I just wonder what's going through their heads as they hear those wedding vows.
Stand up for what is right, even if you are standing alone.
