Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Dealing better with remorse

Oh, I always think of you. Here we are strangers, but if I could fix everything for you, I would. (((hugs)))

Hopefully with you giving DH his space, he'll start to come to his senses. *fingers crossed*

Don't you wish they could be hit on the head with an anvil like in cartoons and return back to normal?

Hang in there... you really are doing an awesome job!!

The feeling's mutual, D. I'm always amazed at how important the support from you and other "strangers" can feel. I'm really grateful that you are out there; someday we will have to meet.

I'm trying to learn from last week - when I went on the emotional binge-coaster and fell so hard. I think that I have to recognize that sometimes I use my emotions to get validation, and I need to try to find that validation inside me instead. I'm not saying I'll be any good at this - I'm a much better analyst than practitioner - but I'm trying... today.

I hope you have a good day, D, and that you also land with your feet beneath you. I also hope that your DH is getting ready to recommit; you deserve that!

Cheers -
Anne

Ok, so this isn't an original thought, but...

I was just scanning around some of the other threads b/f I get on with my day, and it struck me all over again how much it seems the WAS's must have read the same book!

"I don't love you,""We married for the wrong reason,""I tried for X months/years & you never noticed," ... I get both a bit frustrated at the similarity - does this mean we are all just running in the same circles? -- but I also find it a bit comforting - maybe he really doesn't know what he's saying even if he sounds so sure! Everytime H & I talk about any of this, he seems to talk like he's so unique, but every time I hear something that I can later find posted on this site as being said by someone else's spouse.

Boy I hope I can keep patient - and can keep H from pushing for a divorce. The more I think he's not so original, the more I think we stand a chance of making a big mistake if we divorce too quickly.

Anyone got a spare crystal ball????

Okay, you find the crystal ball and I'll find the magic wand!! Deal?

Yeah, apparently they do read the same book!! And here, one of DH's favorite sayings is "you can't put me in a box". Oh yeah, I can... the WAS box.

Great thought! There is no difference. Our situations aren't unique, and when they say, "we're different" we're not! It is comforting to some extent. It shows the DBing processes can work.

Or at least that the DBing processes are based on some collective truths.

I hope that they work, but I find the more I post the more I think the positive outcome of these boards is the support and cheering on for my own changes. I see so many people working so hard to save their marriages, but there are a lot of people who can't avoid the divorce in the end. I'd like to think it isn't because they are failures at DBing but more that they have tried as hard as possible but finally accepted that only the WAS can change his/her direction.

I'm not giving up, but I'm coming to see that the only way H will refall in love with me, the only way we will avoid the dreaded D, is b/c I have made myself into a more independent and balanced person, and he has done the same. It's a crap shoot, and though the LRT and going dark and 180s give some alternatives to general wallowing, nothing is going to make H come home if he doesn't choose to.

Boy, this is more pessimistic than I planned it to be. Maybe that's b/c I found out today that I get to GAL and become a better "me" by getting a colonoscopy next week. OH FUN!

That's not pessimism, it's realism. We have to deal in reality or expectations get too high, emotions run too high, etc.

Reality is we're in the middle of D's. However, the way we deal with that determines the next little while of our lives, and potentially the rest of our lives.

I like to think I'm my W's next husband, cuz the old me is dead. She can choose to "marry" me or not, but I'm going to be a WAY better man than she kicked out 2+ months ago. My life is going to be better regardless. Do I want my W to be a part of it and benefit - absolutely! I love her! But if she chooses not to come along, that's her loss not mine.

That's not pessimism, that's realism - dealing with reality will keep you sane.

Hear hear! I'm all about that today! (I'm still not thrilled about the colonoscopy, though...)

I ignored that part, that isn't pleasant.

Yea, I'm ignoring it too.

I'm almost through one more dark-ish day - yeah me! - but the hardest part is coming. My boys are playing in the city band and they have a concert tonight. That means sitting with H and my parents - we have this really awkward arrangement where we sit near enough to each other to appear cordial but not so near as to appear "together," so to speak. The wind is so wild tonight, though, maybe I'll be able not to talk too much due to having the words swept away.

I'll post later to let you know how it goes.
Anned