Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy My Marriage feels helpless III

I agree Yoyo, we will definately be better, stronger individuals no matter the out come of our sitch.

Tonight was 5D pre-school graduation. It was an awesome program that they put together. The kids sung a few songs which incorporated what they have been learning this last year. It has been a blast watching my 5D learn and grow into a little woman. She is learning to read, spell, tell time, learned the months, and much more....

Thankfully I was not sitting next to my W tonight. Towards the end of the program they played a clip with pictures and video from this last year. I got emotional seeing all the things that I heard about this past school year. The reason that I got emotional was knowing that I going to miss out on a lot of these things going forward if we get D. I know that I will still be a big part of my kids life, but, not being able to see them on a daily basis and talk with them about their days hurts. It wasn't even about my W, it was knowing that I am going to miss parts of my kids lives just because we will be a broken family. God only knows the final outcome of all of this and why he is allowing this to occur.

My W rode with me tonight, in the new car, to the cermony. On the way home she asked me if I was happy. 5D interupted so I was not able to answer her at that time. So my W before she left for work, kids are now in bed, asks me the same question. I told her that the one thing that I have learned is that I am in control of my happiness and that I can nolonger make myself happy trying to make others happy. I told her that no I was not happy that I was losing my family, I am not happy that I am going to be a part time daddy and I am not happy that I am losing my W. I did not ask her the same question, I really do not want to know the answer. Maybe I should have, maybe this was her way of opening up to me again - who knows?

Earlier in the evening when my W saw my new car she asked me if I thought by getting it I would some how win her back, because I knew this was the car that she always wanted? I told her no I did not think that. The crazy thing is the car that I got was the car that I wanted to be our next family car. I have been thinking about buying this car for a while now and only bought it because of our current circumstances. My orginal plan, before all of this, was to buy a car like mine for my W in a year and then I would take her van. I do not need a car as nice as what I now have, but, now that I am driving my girls all over creation they need dad to have a nicer more reliable car for them. I do not know why I am trying to justify to everyone why I got a new car......

Another thing started happening tonight, a highschool girl from our church that used to be apart of my W small group started texting her. I the girl and the other girls from the group are really mad at my W for lying to them and ditching out of there lives. These girls have been with my W for the last 4 years and now because of all this she is nolonger apart of their lives. They feel abandoned and betrayed. The things that my W used to preach at them about and come down on them for she is now doing. My W was really mad about some of the txts that she recieved from the girl.. Who knows if this is a good or bad thing? I do know that it cannot make matters any worse then they already are.

-ERC

Congrats to your daughter. Enjoy these years, before you know it they will be graduating from high school. It goes way too fast.

I think if your W brings up car again, explain to her about the safety issues that you mentioned before. I believe it will make her think and realize getting the car was not at all about her!

As for the teenager I don't think it will make anything worse or better. She is in a fog and probably doesn't listen to anyone who tells her she is wrong. I think it just irritates them badly,ha!

I agree about it irritating her when she is told to fight for her M. She does not want anybody telling her what to do and just accept the choices that she is making.

I think last night did a number on me. I really, really miss my family. Sure I miss my W, but today I miss all of us experiancing life together. Sure we have had our ups and downs, but the goodtimes have always, until this point, out weighed the bad times.

I miss not knowing what their day is like... I miss getting the play by play updates of their day even though I would be at work. I just miss being a family.

Although a big part of my family will not be with us this weekend it will be good for the girls and I to get away together. Hopefully with it being a holiday weekend my W can reflect and think about all that she is giving up with this time alone.

-ERC

ERC,
I too miss the family and couple things. It is so hard when you go out and see other couples together. Just enjoy your girls right now. Make the best of the time you have together.

Oh gosh... ERC you are such a treasure (I don't know what is wrong with some women who just can't see they already have the very best!!!!). Hang in there buddy. Just try and spend as much time as possible with those kids and make the moments special.

{{{hugs}}}

ROOT, you are to kind....

I have everything packed and ready to go for this coming weekend. My girls and I have a 5 hour drive ahead of us tonight - hopefully I can stay awake. Last night we went to the store for some last minute supplies. I also bought the girls a new Barbie DVD for the trip. Thank goodness for the DVD player, otherwise I could not keep them entertained for 5 hours.

I am also going to re-open the "are you happy" discussion that my W started the other night. I really think that she had something to say but I cut off her chance at saying anything. Hopefully I will have a few minutes before I leave for the trip were we can talk.

I hope everyone is doing well and has a great holiday weekend. I should have a blast with my girls and friends.

God Bless,
ERC

ERC,
Have a great long weekend with your girls. Make sure to do lots of fun things. That way the girls will tell Mom how much fun they had. I know personally it would get to me if I was the one not spending time with my girls on a long weekend. Take lots of pics. Maybe even frame a couple for them to put in their rooms to remind them what a great time they had and what a wonderful Dad they have!

Had a great weekend with my girls. It was fun to get away from everything with them and enjoy them. They had a wonderful time and they where awesome in the car. For being in the car for 5 hours each way I could not have asked them to be better behaved. Now I have a lot of laundry to do and need to get my car cleaned up. I hope this time away was good for my W.

On the way home today I dropped my kids off at my SIL since my W was there, my IL's showed up as I was leaving. I feel like such an outsider now. My FIL will make small talk but has a hard time looking me in the eye, my MIL still is herself but I can tell that she doesn't know what to do or say to me. I guess I am going to have to get used to this.... I hope everyone is having a great weekend...

-ERC

Had a conversation with my wife tonight. She thanked me for an email that I had recently sent and the fact that I was taking some responsibility in all of this. Obviously not the affair but for getting our marriage to a state which allowed this to occur.

She then started to talk about the girls and how they are going to be cared for with us separated. She told me that she plans on seeing her lawyer this week to ask some questions and possible file for divorce or legal separation. Either way that is her call, I am not going to file for divorce. She did ask me about my ring. I told her that I would probably take it off when I feel that we have exhausted every avenue and it just was not meant to be or we got divorced.

I did get mad at her when she told me that I could not bring the girls to Disney because she was planning on doing so in September. I told her F you... Not the smartest move on my part.

So the summary of our conversation is this. We both want the same thing in regards to our kids. We both want us to be apart of their lives as much as possible. We are just reversed in how we want it. As for our relationship she feels that she has done enough to try and make it work over the years, and I do not feel that we have done enough to see if we can work this out.

She for the first time heard me say that our old marriage is dead and that if it was to work out between us that it would different...much different. She is the one who initiated the conversation, but, it was to talk about the kids and what I feel is the next appropriate step in all of this. She told me that the only good move that I have made lately, besides the email, is to start sleeping on the couch. I agreed with her that I have messed up a lot recently and hopefully was able to open her mind up to my side of things. I told her that I am done accusing her, done arguing, etc..... I did ask her about her counselor and mentioned that I do not know what is said between them but I felt that she was negligent and irresponsible for not trying to get us into MC together. She said that she(her counselor) had tryed and now with everything that has come out of her counseling that she(my wife) is to the point were she does not see the point of it.

She also mentioned that she has found a home near by and that she wants to start things moving and get out of this limbo state.

So what do you all think? am I doomed or is this an OK interaction?

-ERC

ERC,

I am finding the same problem with my W.

Mate, you probably have to back of completely now. I don't think the discussions you are having are working with your W.

It appears that after you discuss any R talk with her, she becomes pro-active in wanting to seek closure quickly (moving, divorce etc).

Have you noticed a change when you don't discuss these things with her? Does she stop talking about closure and moving on?

I have been guilty of the same thing. The more I back off and do not question or discuss R talk, the more comfortable she becomes and she doesn't discuss divorce, selling house etc.

As soon as I backslide, W starts talking divorce, selling house, custody etc.

I had a bad backslide yesterday (re OM) and she was virtually packed ready to move out.

I calmed things down, told her I would not question or discuss R with her, told her that I just wanted us to be kind and considerate for each other and DD, and that we should not rush the sale of the house until market picked up, and that I was stressed and exhausted about talking about divorce.

She agreed with me and we ended it there. Last night and this morning things have been smoother.

I have to take the advice I am giving you and put it to practice as well.

I reckon if you back of completely, your W will "slow" down any plans to move etc.

Mate, give it a go, please. See what happens.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you.
Good luck buddy,
AndyV.