So D was telling me about her little campout that they had this weekend......
and about who all was there. H told her not to tell me that the girl I think he had an EA with was there....because if she told me, she wouldn't get to see him anymore.
I am so over this. This is not a M and hasn't been for a long time.
BTW I am not reacting to this tonight, even though I SO WANT to!!!!!!
I have turned off my cell, I'm going to take my Ambien and try to sleep.
I have to admit though - I'm losing a lot of the reasons I came here...I'm losing the desire to want to fix this. I deserve better than this...
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
Then there's the spouse of the Mid Lifer-he/she doesn't look the same as she did-as the Mid Lifer ages, so does the spouse, and we cannot help what heredity does to our looks; but their spouses are also a REFLECTION of them, how they have treated them, what they have given or with-held, and they begin to deny what they are seeing, thinking if they had it to go all over again they might have married someone else and been happier than they are now-never mind it's not true- and that leads to the next stage--Anger
Of course he has the anger - but for different reasons - or are the two related? Would we be here if he hadn't been partying like he was 21 when he was 33?
They begin to think "run-away" thoughts, angry at their perception that they are "stuck" in the same dead-end job, year after year, after year; angry their children have grown up without them, angry their spouses aren't what they think they ought to be, angry that life has dealt them such a cruel blow, angry because they feel "stuck" and "trapped" in the life THEY chose in their youth. Angry because it dawns on them, that they ARE growing older, and there's not stopping the aging process.
There's a lot of that - even before the A....
Now, Replay can take many forms, from Affairs, to a search for youth, catching up on "lost" time-although you can never "catch up" what you have lost in that time-but they don't know that. (see #1...)
I'm losing my hope Amy. It's like a tree on a horizon....and I'm driving further and further from it. It gets smaller and smaller.
Funny, earlier I had asked for a sign.....something and then D tells me that. She didn't want to tell me and then told me WHY she didn't want to tell me. I handled myself well with her. I did tell her it wasn't acceptable for people to ask her to lie for them....I don't care if it IS her father.
What an @$$!
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
You absolutely should take a vacation alone with D6 and you should definitely be getting CS, too! See to it.
Good job with D6 telling her it is unacceptable for ANYONE to ask her to lie.
D6 was not your sign. And the one rough thing I have to say to you is this: Stop asking for signs. You don't ever believe them anyway. How much faith have you consistently shown? This is a question you have to look into your heart to answer. How much faith have you CONSISTENTLY shown, through EVERYTHING? See, the way it works is this: you stand, by faith, through a whole bunch of negative crap. You stumble, yes, but you keep getting RIGHT back up. THEN there comes a time you will start reaping joy for all the sowing you did in tears (which means, ALL THE STANDING YOU DID WHEN THERE WAS NO REASON). It will be little things at first, little glimpses that things aren't as far gone as you thought, but those little things will grow your faith. Until one day, it just takes A WHOLE LOT to blow you over.
You're now standing completely on the Rock.
As for your hope, when it is placed properly, it can not BE lost. Put it in HIM. Your husband doesn't deserve for it to be in him and that is exactly where it has been.
Get some sleep. We can talk about this more tomorrow.
