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Why not just be his friend and accept the relationship where it is rather than suggest divorce? I understand you want more, but why not just take it for what it is?

I wouldn't tell him I was dating (be mysterious!!!). I'd become his best friend, try to be the one person in the world he feels he can talk with easiest, the person who smiles at him all the time, bolsters his ego and makes him feel like a man. Do this for awhile... That's the first step...

Then the next step... Rather then say you're going to date (which will just make him angry, sound like a threat, and help him leave the marriage for someone who is more interested in him). I'd act like I'm happy, healing, developing a great life in spite of things (act it, think it, and it will happen!). When I'm leaving after doing the accounting, or dropping off paperwork, I'd look super HOT, keep looking at my watch like I had to be somewhere, maybe reapply some red sexy lipstick, check on my nails, and then smile and say, "Ooooh gotta run!" I might wink at him and have a slightly guilty look, even give him a hug! -- and then run off to Barnes and Noble for Starbucks and to sit in the ailes to read books!!!! While all the while he's wondering... Where did she go??? Why did she look so nice??? Who could she be seeing???

And if he asks later... "Hey where did you go the other day?" I'd just give him a sly smile and say.... "Oh, just out," and then change the subject and focus on him.

Thanks so much for your thoughts ROOT. I am going to try one more time using your advice...I hope it isn't too late. Keep your fingers crossed. I know I have already made him angry, and then angry again, and then angry again.

I have tried to look hot sometimes when I know I am going to see him...he does notice and comment. I have even tried to be a little mysterious but I am one lousy actress because I wear my heart on my sleeve. And when I do get positive reinforcement from my H then I start pushing with R talk. Can you tell that patience has never been one of my strongest virtues?...exactly the reason that I get so fed up and tell my H that we should go ahead and get a D. Not a good trait in a DBer or the LBS of a MLCer.

I slept terribly last night and I was feeling very down and out, but your post has made me feel a little better. I maybe crazy, but right now I feel like there might be a tiny ray of hope. I am pretty sure I will see my H this evening...I am invited to his office building for an open house (he isn't invited...long story). I think I will stop by his office before hand looking very sexy.

Root,

I read ALL your threads - so what happened after 7/19/06 - Did you D are you now D? I sure am confused!!!! Please enlighten me!

HB

Heartbroken,

Those aren't all my threads.... I have a lot more...

We were in divorce proceedings for about 6 months before my husband hinted at stopping the divorce, actually admitted he wanted to stop it (I kept saying "Are you SURE you want to do this?"), and then he called his lawyer to stop it. He then moved back home when his lease ended, and put his wedding ring on first without me asking. By then the tables were sort of turned (not that I was mean or demanding divorce, but he had to pursue me a bit) and I had to be woooed back into the marriage. Not that I ever actually "left it," but I had created a fun life that I was pretty happy with and did not want to stop the divorce unless my husband was 100% certain he wanted to stay married. I just didn't want to go through the yo-yoing anymore. I didn't want the kids to have to go through it again. Been there and done that yo-yo thing for waaaaaay too many years!!! I needed him to pull his weight in the marriage. I couldn't continue to carry the whole thing on my back.
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Upside Down,

Start looking HOT all the time! Just make it a habit. You'll feel better about yourself and enjoy all the compliments and looks you get when you're running errands or just happen to see people you know. Others will tell your husband how they ran into you and you looked marvelous.

Unfortunately good DBing does take enormous patience. That's something you will need to focus on. And now's the time to learn it!!!

Don't worry about making your husband angry. I did that MANY times!!! But I finally learned how to let go and when I unintentionally made him angry I learned to apologize, agree with him and say, "You know, that's something I really need to work on. That's something I want to change in me...." Then change the subject to something light and humorous.

Keep in mind, before you say any words THINK... Does this bring me closer to my husband, or does this create more distance? Only use words and actions that bring cloesness. (This was one of the sayings I had on my calendar and read every day... by practicing things eventually they become natural and you'll do them automatically, but in the beginning you'll have to concentrate and work on it). Even if it's too late in the marriage, it's NEVER to late for you to work on self-improvement. Use this situation as an opportunity for self-improvement and personal growth.

Thanks again ROOT. You are so sweet to give so much input...it is GREATLY appreciated.

I sent my H a text today telling him I had an idea and I want to stop by to talk before going to the open house...he replied that he wasn't going to be there. So, I called his cell and his office and wasn't able to reach him. So I sent a text saying "Can we hold off filing and just leave everything status quo for now? I am not sure how I feel about things at the moment and I think it is more than I can handle with the move coming up." Anyway, it has been over an hour and no reply yet. I just didn't want him to file anything tomorrow like I was demanding when I was so upset. Hopefully I didn't blow it even more...but oh well if I did...I think that will be my new attitude. I tried all I can for today and I will continue to try. Lots of PMA, GAL and looking REALLY HOT...even if he isn't around. It will be easier when I get a better night's sleep!!!

Ahhh... more threads...


Tenth thread -- dealing with their guilt

Eleventh thread - moving toward reconciliation!

Twelveth Thread

Divorce busted!

Sometimes it really isn't over until it's over (and then I've even met people who remarried each other after a divorce... not super common, but it does happen).

Upside down,

Don't be upset if he has already filed. Be careful about saying things that seem as if you are in control or in charge of the matter. Just maybe say, we both need time to cool down and it's not wise to make decisions when everyone is emotional. Always try to make it sound like you are doing it for him and not for you.

Then concentrate on friendship. Keep in mind, if he's pulling away there *may* be someone else. However, if he didn't initiate divorce talk that means he's in limbo. It's a good thing. Stay strong and PMA. Be his friend even if he has filed, be supportive no matter what. You have to always stay on the "high road" regardless. Doing this you won't have any regrets.

Also, be careful about pursuing. You've called him and left him that info... now let him call you back when he's ready.

Hi ROOT-

Why do you say it is a good think if he is in limbo? That is exactly where he is until I push him.

You should get paid for this stuff. You make a lot of sense!!! Now if I can only pull if off...PMA...PMA...PMA...I can do it...

>>Why do you say it is a good think if he is in limbo?<<

Because that means he's not completely finished with the marriage. Why push someone to stay if they don't know if they want to? You need to have more patience and take the time to try and create a relationship he might want to keep. You don't waste any time doing this, because if he decides it's over you'll be healthier and a more valuable partner for the next one.

Hi ROOT-
I'm so looking forward being in a place of peace, where it sounds like you are at. I am trying to get there but it is a pretty long and rocky road and I am sure I am no where near my destination. Hopefully you don't think I am trying to Hijack your thread, I just thought you might like to know how your suggestions have helped out so far.

This has been a very stressful week for me because I signed purchase contracts for my new house...a house all on my own!...yikes. I am thinking that this stress might have had a something to do with the events earlier in the week...hmmm.

Okay, so here is the Reader's Digest version...So today I did go into my H's office today to drop off checks and I ask him to look at the contracts for the house. I was lookin' good...I wasn't as strong as I would have liked but I will get there. While there, I told my H that I don't want him to file and he said fine (he did say he was too busy to do the paperwork). He commented on our last conversation where he thought I got crazy because I told him I was done and to go ahead a file...and I wanted it done NOW. I admit I lost it...I am human and this situation does make me crazy. Anyway, today I suggested we work on our friendship and he agreed. Before I left, I asked for a hug and he obliged...not the greatest hug, but it helped. I also asked if he would call me sometime just to talk. He said that would be nice.

So, I think I have started the momentum in the right direction. Next time I will be much more aloof. I will keep re-reading your posts and the put the plan into action. I have no where to go but up because I have hit rock bottom with the emotional stuff.

Thanks again for all of your input. Your story and suggestions are helping me feel stronger.