Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Questions for all the "Cheated"

You do sound a lot like me. I agree that, no we didn't cheat, but I have faced up to my transgressions in our M and, in making sure those things are no longer happening, I have made our M better and I am truly more happy for it too. I didn't realize how much I was losing out on by being pretty much emotionally "not there" for him for a LONG time.

I have chosen to forgive, or he would have been out the door a long time ago. However, it is the trust that I went to IC to try to figure out how to deal w/ getting back. I don't really think "angrily" about the A's anymore, however, I do have my days. Mostly, it's more sadness and hurt, disbelief, and unable to really understand how he could do that to me and our M when it does come on.

I have chosen to forgive and I have also chosen to trust which I have to do in order to get through this next year because he is SO very much in a place (physically) where he could do it again, but I have decided to trust that he will not choose to do that again.

I guess I'm not too fearful anymore either as I know I have done everything I could to put our M in a much better place. Even if we only had about a month of "really good" before he left, I know that he knows it too.

I understand I have forgiven him and he doesn't need to earn that, but a little reassurance from H would be nice. However, he is a man and everything is "A-okay" as far as he is concerned. I have decided not to try to discuss any of this w/ him long distance and hopefully by the time he gets back, it will all be moot anyway. I pray that by the time he gets back, I will be in a much better place and we can just begin again together working on having a happy and fulfilling M together.

Thanks for checking in w/ me. Your thoughts & comments are so very helpful!!

Great job cadesmom!!!Hang in there it is so hard to trust any thing they do and to forgive...My hat is offf to you for being so forgiving and trusting to begin again. Way to go!!!!
Just letting you know I'm thinking of you.

I can see that you were having a bad day, and it is totally understandable, having a H deployed in itself must be terribly hard.

Hugs hon, the bad days will come, but fight your fears and give the bad memories less and less time to dwell in your mind.

Thanks !!! It's so nice to know that there are others out there who know how I'm feeling.

I just keep reminding myself how very strong I really am. I am also working on loving MYSELF again.

I've decided that I am actually a very strong, unique in a good way, feisty, loving, lovable, caring, considerate, yes, somewhat selfish at times, awesome mom, maybe could use a little more patience, but don't we all, hard working, intelligent, independent WOMAN who H should be thankful and proud to have as a W, but if he doesn't see all of this, it's still there FOR ME!! (and my 3 wonderful little boys)

Hey guys!!! I'm going to go visit H in September! Very excited and think it is going to be an awesome opportunity for us to have some one on one to reconnect all by ourselves w/ no distractions.

that's great!

Well, never talked to H yesterday so of course now my mind is racing in a way it shouldn't be. I emailed him and rec'd one back. The problem is that his seem always so impersonal. Nothing lovey, dovey, but maybe that's just a 'guy' thing. Every once in awhile he's opened up and said how much he misses us, etc. Still no mention of the whole sitch we went through and maybe, just maybe, how much he appreciates me standing by him through it all. Maybe that's all I want. Some validation for my actions -- that I did the right thing. I guess I know in my heart I did the right thing, my S2 always has a hard time at night missing daddy. I can't imagine if we were actually separated w/ D in the future and how I would explain that to the boys. My heart still aches though so I don't allow myself to think about all the A's, the harsh, mean words that were said to me by the man I married. It's still unbelievable to me that the man I swore to love & cherish did the things he did, but I'm counting on time to heal.

Cades-

I know it's hard I have the same problem but try not to let your mind wander. My W even though is not as far away as your H. (we still live in the same house). Said some real hurtful things to me also. She also does not acknowledge the A or that she did anything wrong. I may be a LBS thing to want our S to say "hey I made a mistake I’m sorry". I wish I could hear that from My S also. But It may also be a WAW or WAH thing that if they don't mention it it's like it never happened.
I don't know. Good luck in September. And go with the flow.

Husband

Thanks. I'm looking forward to it. Hoping that 'good' things will happen and I will feel like we are 'connected' again. Right now, after everything that's happened, and with him being gone, I almost feel like I don't really know him anymore. I also thought this a.m. that when I talk to him, it's almost like he's just a friend, but maybe that's good. That's how we started out -- just friends and I guess friendship is a good foundation for a R/M anyway. I know he's got to be lonely over there. He sees pics of the boys and they are already growing & changing & he's missing all of that.

I've also realized that if he does cheat on me again, it will be way more of a conscious decision this time and I don't think he will do that. It won't be something that gradually happens the way maybe his last EA started. Or maybe it was a conscious thing last time too, but I just don't believe that he will do it again.

I just wonder how he's REALLY feeling sometimes though. I heard the 'I love you as a person and the mother of my children and that's it' so many times, I wonder what changed his mind or if his mind even changed. I sure hope he's not just staying for the boys. I want him to love me too. I need that. I guess if he did decide to stay for the boys, maybe if it hasn't happened already, he will begin to feel the romantic love for me again. Sure hope so. I don't want to live in a M where he's just acting all the time. I don't think he could do that for very long. I know in the past, when I was in high school, I had an awesome boyfriend, but it just wasn't there for me, you know? And when would try to force it, I just felt sick to my stomach all the time. I sure hope my H doesn't feel that way about me.

cades-

I hear what you are saying. It's a double edge sword. I too don't what my W just to stay because of our son. But then again would not be fighting so hard if it was not for my son. It kind of pulls you in opposite directions.

Husband