Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis MLC with young personal trainer

random,

I may be crazy but my feeling is that she should "see the light" and end the training as part of good judgment. I have felt that if I tell her to stop, "the blame" would fall on me if she would fail to succeed. I don't go to gym with her as she feels like it is the only place that truly is hers (we live in a small town where I am a physician--she feels gym is only place she is not "the doctor's" wife). In fact she doesn't wear wedding ring to exercise and a lot of people ther don't know she is married.

I agree that a large part of her attraction is the motivation she has given her to change her body and her life. I have contributed to her being able to exercise by getting home from office much earlier than I used to and taking off more time from work to accomodate her. Not exactly glamorous but I think definitely shows I want her to feel good about herself

Last, haven't noticed her doing anything in bed since prior noted episode. I just don't think she realized how aware of it I was before, so now she has stopped (at least at that time of day).

Thanks for input.

Your being a doctor brings a lot into perspective for me ... maybe. My BIL is a doctor too ... highly intelligent and motivated guy (he had the top marks in our country of origin the year he graduated) .... I like him a lot. His W, however, gets driven crazy by his hours at work, his lack of understanding with her life (she is an artsy person, and at present a SAHM), and they have different ideas about childrearing too. Doesn't help that they're from two very different countries, and were brought up totally opposite. My dear BIL is totally clueless with emotional stuff (mmm, much like my H), but you seem to be getting it.

Look, without even realising it, my BIL can come across as a complete know-it-all (and he does know most of it), and maybe a little arrogant. You have to know him really well, and have seen him severely sloshed a few times, to understand him, and not take anything he says or how he comes across as personal. Please understand that I'm not saying this is you, but I have noticed some of these traits among the doctors that I do know, and I often wonder how their wives deal with that.

So, my advice here is try not to overthink things. Let your W see some of the emotion behind what you are feeling, without being overly needy, and whiny. For instance, if she asks you if she should stop training with her personal trainer, say "I would love for you stop training with him, but I will not impose that restriction on you." Look her directly in the eyes when you say this, and let her see some of your pain. You are doing great coming home earlier, and giving her some space, so don't change that. On the other hand, don't allow yourself to be a doormat either.

All you can do is try different things, allow yourself to be human (and we all are here, making our usual humanly mistakes), continue with what works, drop what doesn't, and listen (really, really listen) to what your W says, and validate her feelings (whether you agree with them or not). Oh, and hell no, she shouldn't be discussing her feelings about the OM with you, IMHO. That's like making it real for her ... and who knows where that will lead. Of course, the feelings could all be one-sided (her side), and the PT has no clue. Which doesn't mean you don't work at DB'ing.

Also, take time out for yourself too. Can't be doctoring all day, then coming home to taking care of the kids, and then just going to sleep. You'll go nuts. You need some down time too = GAL.

Take care.

PS If BIL ever reads this, then let me say "sorry, bro' ... love ya regardless"

wow, whole buncha issues. i'll try to get all of them that i see...


There's a big diference between TELLING your wife, "You Have To Stop Now, because I Say So".

and "yes, it bothers me that you are so close to this other man. it hurts me. Since you ask, i WOULD like you to stop, so that we can have a better chance to be that close to each other"

That way, it's still her choice. But you accurately show its impact on you, so that she can properly make a choice with full understanding of that.





Umm.. to me, that says, "thats the only place that she can pretend that she isnt married, and get lots of attention from men that makes her feel good."

a married person should not be valuing "a place that is 'all theirs'" to the point where it makes them feel like being single.




umm... i dont think you're quite getting it here. I think you're thinking army drill sargent type motivation.
that works good for men, and some women.
but i think that some trainers who target women, coax them into more training (and more sessions with them!) by words like
"you're such an attractive woman.. i can help you show the world how beautiful you are, underneath that little extra layer of ..."

similarly, if you've ever motivated children, you know the power of "that's a good boy/girl!"
That works on big people too!
"Wow, you're such a motivated, powerful woman when you work out! etc, etc..."
Variants on, "you're good enough, you're smart enough (and durnit, people like you)", etc.



Any ladies want to verify/validate what I have just said?

PS: (make her feel good! make her feel good about herself!)

Is that the only gym in your town??/ If she is worried about her weight if she leaves that gym then have her go to another or buuy her a home gym!!

Flynn,

Unfortunately there is only one full service gym (and Curves if you count it) in our small town.

Curves is perfect.
It's effective, and it's all-women.
Which is why she probably will reject it, because it doesnt give her a chance to show off to other men at the gym.
but you should still try to suggest it, if the opportunity comes up again i think.

Most of people's weight issues, are about what they put in their mouths, not how much they jog,etc.
Sure the excercise helps... but you can lose weight by only changing what you eat, reguardless of how much you excercise.
You CANNOT lose weight by only excercising, and paying no attention to what you eat.

(this refers to people who already have a weight problem. there are people who "dont pay attention to what they eat" and still are at a good weight.., but they are already in an ok excercise/daily calory balance)

Thing is.. most people who are overweight, stay overweight, because they want to eat. They'll do just about anything, except change how they eat. Which is of course, the most important thing they need to do.

The gym stuff has other benefits. it "tones", and gives good muscle definition, stamina, etc. That's really good stuff!
But it aint primarily about weight. That comes from "eating right".

All right , here is an opinion poll. Give me yours.

I am growing annoyed by W's lack of physical contact (again not trying to "get lucky", just would like hugs returned). The last three nights I have not even tried to give W a hug at bedtime. She just got in bed beside me. This AM, went to give her a hug before I left to take D9 to softball. She turned the other way.

Do I just let there be no contact or attempt at being affectionate? or do I continue to try to be affectionate (right now I'm just angry at the treatment, but trying to stay positive.)

Thought I would update after the weekend.

Had discussion yesterday with W about the lack of physical comfort between us. She says she doesn't have the feelings in her to even give a small hug at bedtime. Plus she says she knows if she did then would I want "more and more". That I would get angry that things weren't continuing to progress. She says she is happy staying on a "plateau" for now. Guess we just have to back off and spend even more time living like roommates.

On a positive note, she did decide that she was not going to go to Trainer's Bodybuilding Contest out of town this weekend. We have two kids with birthday's this week, so she felt she needed to stay for them. I have been upset that she was going to "blow off" there B-days, so score one for the family.

She says she does feel there has been improvement in the relationship, but that it can't be "fixed" as fast as I want. Says she had gotten to the point she just didn't care anymore. I told her I never hit that point, but she said I never cared the way she needed me to. She blames me for her weight gain, and is struggling with "Identity" issues now. I just tell her I will take all the blame I need to, I know I wasn't there for her.

Patience is a virtue with which I was not blessed. I guess I just need to pray for some patience and appreciate "Baby Steps" for now.

Yesterday was D(now 10)'s birthday. S6 turns 7 this weekend. Lot of end of school year activities keeping us hopping now. W took D out to dinner last evening. I took other two to S's Cub Scout (hence my username) cookout. Also took day off work to go with S's class field trip. W does keep pointing out it is 1st time I've gone on a school trip with any of kids.


We continue to help each other out. R is good from that standpoint. I think she is happy with the help. I'm happy that she isn't going to bodybuilding contest(takes away worry of EA turning into PA). Still no sign of anything but strictly platonic R between us, though. Also still enduring some masturbation from other side of bed. Just have chosen to ignore for now.

We're about 5 weeks til family vacation--maybe things will improve by then. School will be out and less to stress over. Still it's hard to want something so much and have little say in where we are going.

congratulations on avoiding the out-of-towner! that is such a blessing for you. Sounds like your wife's heart has turned away somewhat from the course she was on. It hasnt turned back to YOU.. but for now, it isnt headed quite so directly for HIM.
that is *GREAT*!

about the "1st trip with kids"... sounds like she was kinda sniping at you. I'd say, just be glad that she notices that you ARE going.
hang in there. I think you're headed for a lot of resentful venting from her.... it's probably good that it comes out.. maybe a stress relief of some sort?

sounds like you're doing REALLY good. I'm so happy for you!

My not-an-expert armchair advice:
I'd suggest being careful to not force any physical attention on her that she isnt comfortable with. "not returning it", is not the same as "being unconfortable with".
If she just accepts your hugs... i'd say be happy with that for now.
If she seems specificaly uncomfortable.. perhaps you should stop, or space them out more.

reguarding the masterbation... sounds like a good thing she is "comfortable" doing it with you present again. would be bad if she had stopped completely. Another good sign, in my book.

hold onto this: you are lucky that she is that comfortable, in your marital bed.

I'm still curious how she would take some "you are so sexy" comments near the end of it. I think it would tie into her need to feel young and sexy again. But like you say... Patience!
You're doing great!!