Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy My Marriage feels helpless III

I would say if that is what you really want. You have to be honest with yourself. If giving her the money is only a ploy to getting her back, then she will see right through it, and you will feel angry and manipulated when it doesn't work out the way you planned.

I guess i'm waking up to the fact that all of this doesn't work until it stops being a game.

So if you honestly feel like you want the best for her, and giving her the money won't hurt you or make you feel manipulated, then that is your call. Everything is perception, if you are happy with the situation than you won't care what the outcome is. But if deep down you feel this is a move that may wake her up, forget it, it won't.

Don't talk money until you've talked with a lawyer first. Let her know that all of this will need to be done through attorneys and try to stay out of financial discussions (You be prepared, but let her be the one to get the ball rolling if she wants to go that direction)....

I know with my husband "reverse psychology" has always helped. He tends to make choises opposite me just because he doesn't like to "give in" to me. I think being aware of any emotional responses like this can sometimes be helpful. Because if someone makes choises just to "spite" another then not giving them a position to "fight against" gives them the freedom to really figure it out on their own. In other words, the decision becomes theirs not because they want to go "against you." They have to truly consider what they want. Does that make sense????

Nothing insures a marriage can be saved, one can only respond and behave in a manner that gives the best possible chance at reconciliation.

I planned on talking to a lawyer before making this offer to my W. I think I understand what your saying about the reverse psychology in letting them making their own choices and not out of spite. Isn't that what I would be doing by making this offer? I am telling her and helping her go.... She then needs to decide if this is what she truely wants - right? I also understand what Next is saying about playing games. It does seem that I am playing a game by making a move like this. I guess I will sitback and see what she brings my way.

My W is working tonight, so there should be nothing new to report on. She is planning on bringing our kids to the pool most of the day Saturday and will probably be bringing them to her new church on Sunday. So what am I to do? GAL.. I will workout, go golfing on Sunday, catch a movie, grab a beer with a friend...

I am also planning to get my W car an oil change this Saturday. I'll let her take my car and then take her car in. Maybe she will let me maybe she won't, again who knows.

Thanks again for everyone's input.

-ERC

Ok, I know that I said that I would have nothing to report tonight but I do. My W kept her word and saw her lawyer today. Our kids where at my parents house so she had plenty of time to see her lawyer. But the reason that I know she saw her lawyer is that she left some papers out on the counter that could have only come from a lawyer. I do not know what she did today. Maybe she hasn't done anything, though I find that highly unlikely at this point.

My plan rightnow for when we have this discussion is to tell my W to talk to my lawyer. I will not let her know my intentions or even the reputation of my lawyer. She is going to figure that out on her own.

So if there is anybody out there that has been in the shoes that I am about to fill any advice would be appreciated.

-ERC

Alright I have been up for 24+ hours now and am starting my day at work. This is going to be a rough day.

The reason that I did not get any sleep is that I could not fall asleep and then my W called on her way home from work.

She called to appologize and tell me all her wrongs throughout our M. It was genuine and heart felt. She was hoping this conversation would give her some closure to us. When she told me that she was at such peace when it is just her and our girls with no connection to me... I said that is because that is when it is easiest for you to ignore the huge mistake that you are making by leaving me. She did not like that comment very much. She told me that she is sick of people telling her what to do and that she is wrong for leaving me. She also said that until everyone has walked in her shoes they have no right to judge or tell her what to do.

We talked for sometime. She still has nothing to give to me and needs to start moving on. She did go see another lawyer and it appears that this is the guy that she is going to go with. He is currently typing up the paper work to get a divorce started. She plans on serving me the papers herself instead of a stranger giving them to me in a public place. She has thought most of her new life through. She plans on buying a townhome about 5 miles from our current home. With her being a nurse she has extremly flexible hours, which will make it a lot harder for me to get primary custody. She basically is only going to work on the days that I have our kids. This eguals 5 shifts every 2 weeks and they would be 12hr shifts. With all that she would get from our D she can basically pay for her townhouse and not have a mortgage payment. She can easily provide for herself and our girls with child support. I don't think it matters how good my lawyer is, I do not think that I stand much of a chance. Her lawyer asked my W if she wanted my new car.WTH... She did tell him no and that I deserve it. Not to sure why she thinks that I deserve my car but this is not the first time she has said this. She also said that she probably won't touch my 401K, her lawyer told her she was crazy but that is her decision.

She again is worried what I am going to be telling people and she wants me to make sure that I take my share of the blame for our failed M. I did not directly answer this. But if people ask I will probably tell them that we had maritel problems and that my W did not want to work through them. She felt it was easier to leave.

So it looks like D is on the horizon for me. I really was hoping that it did not come to this. I really do not know what I can do anymore. My W feels if she stays in our M that it will only a shell of a M for our girls. I disagree but I cannot change her mind.

I am kind of in a fog myself rightnow and as I remember details of the conversation I will post them.

-ERC

Dude where hare you been?

“... I said that is because that is when it is easiest for you to ignore the huge mistake that you are making by leaving me. She did not like that comment very much.”

What happened to “I’m sorry you feel that way or smile and nod your head?
That is her feelings right or wrong.
Sorry to hear this turn of events. I have only been here since May but I have read stories about very last day turn abounds. The “light” comes on. Keep the faith. It will be hard.

Husband

I have been doing the "I'm sorry you feel that way" comment for quite sometime now. I did not get me anywhere. It was like going down cheeseless tunnels. It was time to try something new. I also told her that I was disappointed in her that she has been able to lie to herself and convince herself that this is the only option.

One thing that I forgot to mention was that my W asked for a hug towards the end of the conversation. I believe this was her way of showing that we do not hate each other. I did not jump up and give her a hug I kept the conversation going for another few minutes and she asked for a hug again. After she asked me a second time I gave her a hug. It was nice hugging her and not have her push me away. She hung onto me longer then I expected she would. She let me crack her back like I used to do on a daily basis when I gave her a hug. Though I am not reading into it much, it was one really nice gesture that occured.

-ERC

Ya Left out the BEST part.

Husband

did I mention that I have been up for 26+ hours now?

Another thing my W said when I mentioned that my FIL has made me to feel like an outsider, is that he is dealing with the feelings that the guy that he intrusted to take care of his daughter hurt her in such away that is causing this D.

Time is on your side. It usually takes 6 months for a divorce to be finalized. Keep reading DR and the few times you have contact w/ W be sure to let her know what she is missing. A good dad, husband and man.

I hope things turn around for you. Keep a PMA and I believe those requests for hugs are baby steps. At least she didn't push you away.