It is okay to think "my W just does not love me any more."...but really it is not time to believe...my H wasn't able to tell me he loved me for over a year AFTER he came home...
The first time you fall in love it happens so fast and so easy...but after a distancing by one spouse it takes a long time to get that back...there isn't much "newness" to wear off because they know us...there isn't much mystery because they know us...we have to show them part of us they don't know...the strength and guts we are made of...
Example...my H is going to counseling for child abuse issues that have come up in MLC...he just started...he came back and said "You know what the C said to me?"...I asked what it was and he said "She said, 'Your wife must love you very much. Women have bailed on a man for much less.'"....and he didn't even tell her that he had an online A that started out as an EA and then he left me for OW so he could pursue the PA!!!...that made me feel good because I have a feeling the C would have conked H over the head for being such an idiot...I did little things that he wasn't aware of at the time...like putting him on my medical insurance when I got a job that had it (good thing he has been diagnosed with diabetes, depression, and alcoholism...been hospitalized 1 time for a week and had 3 ER visits...totalling over 75K in bills that we paid maybe a $100 out of pocket)...so you have to just let her feelings for you roll off your back like butter on hot corn on the cob!!!...
I know how hard this is...but if you can ride this out...there is that possibility that your W may return to you...and not it doesn't get easier then either...but in time you realize it is worth the effort (pain) you put into it...it hasn't been that long for you so you really need to just pump yourself up and dig in for the long haul...and I know how hard that is...so set small goals for yourself...set some distant goals too...I had to wait over a 1 1/2 years for H to even approach me...then over another year before he said ILY again....if I had of focused on time then I would have gone out of my mind and not been here when he returned...that is GAL is so vitally important...and friends are too...so go make some!!!!
I used to cry everytime I heard the song lyrics that said "I can't make you love me if you don't"....now H admits he did love me all that time...he was just a mess and as convoluted as his thinking was he felt he was protecting me from anymore pain... so there you have it from the mouth of the WAS..
Husband, It sounds like you have made great progress in some of your DB efforts, and are disappointed that you're not seeing a better outcome. You want your M to be in a Piecing mode, where you two are solving problems as partners.
I don't believe that your W does not love you anymore. Her love for you is lost in some of her issues. It's still there and will reveal itself again someday. The form and patterns of the R will change, but the love will return.
Yes, you are in a fog. It's OK. The "muddy waters of your situation" still need to settle.
Detachment is one of the more difficult skills to master in DB and life. I get glimpses of it sometimes, and then I go back to worrying, fear, and anger. I am seeing glimpses of it more often though.
When I get it, it involves acceptance of my situation, being grateful for what my W has done for me over the years, and the positive connection we currently share. It involves accepting uncertainty, and letting the story evolve. It involves cultivating meaningful activity for myself, and goodwill and kindness towards my W and others.
Keep practicing DB and other life skills. This is our best chance to influence the R in a positive way.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Well just got back home. Things went pretty good. There were a few times that the W started to pick at some of the “arraignments “made. One was the tour tickets that I bought for the Winchester house. There was a “behind the s” tour upgrade that I tried to get on line. I couldn’t and told her I would upgrade them when I got there. We only had 2 tickets and were going to pick up another two tickets for my son and daughter when we got there. I told him when we got there if we couldn’t upgrade the tickets we had. Her and my son could use the upgrade tickets we go there and my daughter and I would just wait for them. We were able to upgrade so that was not a problem. Then came the hotel. “It’s only a 2 star? I don’t get anything unless it is at least a 3 star” well the hotel was not that great but I told her we are only sleeping there one night. She calmed down a little. Then she was upset because we could not find an internet hook up. I don’t know why this bothered her because I was the only one with a lap top. She called the front desk and found out it was wireless. Oh yea Andyv. I packed some rum for her she seemed happy about that. I had some candy bars I bought at the store and she wanted to buy an ice chest so they would not melt. I told her I only paid $1.00 for the candy you want to buy a $10.00 ice chest for $1.00 candy? I told her I would put them in the back of the van on the lower floor its cool don there heat rises. She made the comment “next time. someone leaves a kin in the car with the windows rolled up I hope the lay on the floor so the don’t die” Anyway so we are having breakfast I was sitting next to my son and my W and D were across from us. I told my D that after we leave I want to g buy a battery powered fan so I can blow cool air on the candy bars so they don’t start to melt. EVERYONE lost control and started laughing even my W. Well at the park we all laughed and had a good time. I put my hand on her back briefly once or twice. On two rides she sat right in front of me but did not lean back into me which would have been more comfortable for her. On one of the rides I leaned forward and a little contact happed. I did get to touch her hand one when she helped me out of a ride. We did walk next to each other our hands wee inches apart and it would have seemed so natural to reach out and grab it but I didn’t. I don’t know if she is waiting for me to make the first move (I think this is wishful thinking on my part). Of if “she does not want to give me the wrong idea” as she has said in the past. In the end I touched her more in the last two day than in the last two months. One thing I did notice. She does not look at me in the eyes very often when she talks to me. On the way home I don’t remember how it came up but she did say I was right the candy bars didn’t melt. But she did add that if it was hotter they would have.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
It is so easy to overanylise everything that your W said and did during the trip.
I always wondered why my W didn't look me in the eyes when she spoke to me, was it guilt about OM, guilt about what she was doing, dislike for me etc etc etc.
I don't worry about these things anymore. Or things that she does. It makes it easier for me to concentrate on improving myself and what I was doing around her, without having to worry about what she was doing as well.
It was good that you did not force the issue of intimacy re hand holding etc. I have a feeling that they know where we are coming from and we should leave it up to them to initiate any of that.
Did she manage to crack open a few Rum and cokes?
Anyway, It does sound like the trip went well and it may be another one of these baby steps that you can work on.
And I hope you weren't busted perving on those sheila's in bikinis, you sly dog. AndyV
AndyV M38 W36 D7 M 13 years Together 17 years W wants D mid Dec 06 (ring off) W wants separation early Jan 07 (she backdated to Oct 06) EA revealed end March 07 (Nov 06 W first meeting with OM) Hallmark moment "I care for you but am no longer in love with you."
Well... she's easier than me. I only stay in 4 star hotels!!! Just be glad you weren't traveling with me....
Does your wife typically look you in the eye? Maybe she doesn't make eye contact easily. The males in my family don't.
I think overall your trip sounds like it went well. Words of love and connection take time to redevelop. I hear that from almost everyone in the earlier stages of piecing. Just keep up the good work you're doing and work on friendship and moving closer. As you've told me before. Baby steps....
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I think it may be a female thing. I could have slept in my car and would have been ok with it. I have never made a reservation in a hotel for my wife and me so I had no idea about this star thing. Anyway If I was going to be paying for a 3 to 5 star hotel there better be sex involved. (I knew that was not going to happen). And yes I know baby steps. 2 months seems like two years. No major bad things happened and she even kind of made fun of her self over the candybar statement. I know I am not supposed to think of the OM but sometimes especially since they have been intimate and she won’t be intimate with me at this time I feel like the 3 rd party. The strange thing is since I hare not looked at the phone log I don’t even know if she is still talking to him as much.
Husband
Last edited by husband; 06/04/0706:17 PM.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
One ting I forgot to mention. Last night some how we were talking about how my son does not like to sleep by himself and coaxes the dog into his bed with a doggy biscuit. I had a weak moment and said: do you think I could coax you into bed with one?. She laughed and said" I knew you were going to say that. I don't think so. Now before when I talked about having sex she would get teary eye and upset and walk away.
Do you think this is making progress towards our possibly, maybe having sex again?
husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Do not even think about sex! I know it is hard. But it has been over 6 months for me. I thank God that he has shutdown my sex drive. I will not be intimate with my W until I know that we are on the mend. Otherwise I would go crazy having an active sex drive and no sex.
Yeah...I second the sex thing...and I know it is so hard...because...well I went for 18 mos!!!...and just because I am a woman doesn't = not having a strong sex drive because in our R/M it has been me that has been HD for the past 8 years....H has always been average...but now is very very LD...
So rather then keep yourself in a state of anticipation and driving yourself crazy just "shelve it" for a while...
It sounds like you have some positive baby steps...things seemed to go without big drama for your trip and that is good in even the best of times...
Keep doing what works...so far it seems what you are doing is working...this could change but for now hold the course...your doing GREAT!!!!
