Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Oh the roller coaster...

Yea there has been a lot going on recently and I guess deep down I worry about that a good bit. It seems we are spending a lot more time together in little spots here and there than we thought we would. I worry that she might feel pressured by so much time together. I hope not. She has told me she has enjoyed the time together and she's not really balked at any of it as of yet.

I just wish she'd take more of the wall down that she's still holding up. I can see she wants it down but seems afraid or reluctant to let it down. So I'll keep focusing on her and giving because that is what she needs me to do along with continue to be the new me.

It'll happen, it's happening. Let it come to you naturally, don't force it, she'll come around as you are. Do it as partners, not as competing individuals.

I'm jealous, but at the same time very happy you're having some success, keep it up!!!

That's one of the big things that came out of my challenges last Thursday. Not only was I only thinking of myself and trying to fix it all, I was not letting the situation progress naturally. It needs to move at her pace, not mine. Amazingly that's where I now find the elusive patience I have been looking for all this time! More interestingly is that I think by my poor focus I was creating all that anger inside of me.

Still a bit nervous about tonight but am slowly settling down. How we end the evening seems to be a really troublesome area for me but rather than try to control it I need to just let it happen and be happy about the whole evening! Let her drive it and go with the flow.

I'm exactly the same way. Don't be afraid to let it end. I'm always afraid if it doesn't end on a positive note from me, it's somehow a failure. That's not the case, and trying to control it can make it worse.

Sounds like you've got the right attitude for this. The nerves will die down. Say some prayers in your heart as you get there, and you'll be fine.

So how'd it go tonight? Well I think really well and I think she'd say very, very good.

First, we went out to dinner at a nice neighborhood Italian restaurant. We were there about an hour and had a really good time with a lot of good conversation. She actually did a lot of talking which was a nice departure of past time together. She finally didn't have trouble making or finding things to talk about.

From there we did a little shopping at a couple of nice shops before going to the movie. She happened to say how she enjoyed shopping without the kids and with someone who was helpful and interested. She had been looking for a couple of specific shirts for exercise and hadn't found any she liked yet. While we were in REI, I spotted a couple and pointed them out. Of course they were exactly what she was looking for and she even mentioned how I always found the right things for her.

We went to the movie and lets say upfront, Pirates is a LONG movie. We both got antsy it was so long. Then that time came, the time I have been nervous about for the last 24 hours. We drove home and I was expecting her to say good night in the car but no, she didn't say anything but acted like she wanted me to get out. So I got our and went in the house with her. After she took the dog out for a quick outing she came back in chatted for another couple of minutes then walked to the kitchen door. She knew I'd follow. She told me it is nice, we are getting to be friends again. I said yes an it'll all come in due time. She agreed. She stood and I stepped over to give her a hug not sure what I'd get in return. I got a great, tight squeezing full on two arm hug! From there she opened the door and I joked "telling me to leave?" She said, a little jokingly but serious, yes because if I don't you'll lollygag for a half hour. I told her good night and we gave each other nice big smiles.

As I drove off she was standing in the middle of the family room watching and waiting, I slowed the car, looked and she waved with a nice big smile on her face and I returned it to her. From there I cried all the way to the house. For two reasons, one leaving the woman I love and two, knowing this whole thing is moving forward with it we are making something of the opportunity we have been given.

And too boot, once I got home I went for my jog/walk. I was able to jog/run my entire route. To this point I have only been able to run about half of it! I am so excited about this too I even emailed her about it! (She's really into running since the situation began and is running in marathons now.)

Nice man! Sounds truly excellent. Build on it, take it easy, things are moving nicely.

Hey CF-
I'm truly excited for you. You did a great job - now, don't get carried away. Things like emailing her about your running will appear needy - just focus on GALing (I am real happy that you are going the whole distance with your running now). Don't draw attention to how you are doing - focus on her and mean it, and boy, wait for her to completely do a 180 if you keep it up for at least 6 weeks and start focusing on you. A friend observed to me, this is like being married a second time, except you'll find that it is a richer experience. Keep at it..

She's still rather reserved but she's starting to see the light. Something I think is encouraging is how she in little small ways see us all together as a family again. But she's got a long way to go until she's comfortable with it.

I met with our priest this morning and he mentioned how she internalizes so much but feels she doesn't lack feeling. He believes just the opposite that she's a very highly emotional person but she keeps it all in. I absolutely agree and I suspect she feels stronger about all of this then she's letting on with me.


One thing I do feel is that her long time high school girl friend with whom she's reconnected with isn't exactly encouraging her down this path. I find that disturbing to say the least. Especially now that this woman is trying to win business from me and my company! I've known this woman nearly as long but nearly as well I right now I do not trust her. IMHO she's going to be the fly in the ointment a bit too much because she's been very encouraging to my wife on getting out and establishing her independent life. Then again maybe once she sees positives with my wife and me she'll change her tune but I doubt that. If you ask me she's more than glad to help destroy our marriage then espouse all about her wonderful marriage and how marriage is such a great thing.

You know what I've found is we have no idea what other people are telling our Ws. I was pretty convinced people were telling my W the same thing, get out, you can do better, etc. I was praying for someone to give her GOOD advice. But, it's all to help her feel better quicker (it doesn't have that effect.) Friends and family want us/them to feel better, and they think getting out will do that - eliminate the source of the pain. However, the source of the pain is not ONLY us as the spouse! It's a lack in the relationship caused to some extent by both parties. The only wasy to eradicate the pain is to drop the selfishness, forgive each other and WORK to make things better than ever. The old marriage is dead, the old YOU is dead, the new you is dedicated to being GREAT and making your marriage GREAT together.

Catfan, I can see you're on the right path now. Don't get discouraged by what you think other people might be telling your wife. They can't control her, or her feelings any more than you can - it's ALL up to her and you as partners to make this happen

Oh I know all of that all too well. The friend, well she is potentially an annoyance more than anything. And I do know some of the things she's told my wife because I've seen the emails.