Jazz I think the point that is being made is this..
Yes there is such a thing as MLC but there are many here whose Spouses are not in MLC.
There are some here who post that absolutely refuse to see that their Spouse might simply be a walkaway.
That they are done with the Marriage, for whatever reason, and yet they try to find excuses for the behaviour and refuse to look at themselves as part of the cause.
At the end of the day we have to choose what is right for us, what will make us happy.
It is true that many do find a level of acceptance and happiness without their Spouse returning and simply move on and the strange thing is that the walkaway Spouses sometimes do make an effort to move home, but by this time the LBS simply can not accept them back into their lives.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
katie, I don't usually blast newcomers, but you don't know what the fark you are talking about.
If you have a story to tell, create your own thread, spill and ask for thoughts or advice or whatever.
If you don't have one to tell, and you just showed up here for sh*ts and giggles, spare us.
But don't come on here with post # just out of the box and tell off fig.
Again, you don't know her, you don't know her sitch, you don't know how supportive she is to others, how caring, concerned, open minded, generous, sympathetic, and big hearted she is.
In short, you don't know diddle...
That ain't no way to ingratiate yourself to folks on this board, coming on here as a newbie, and launching pot shots at people.
IMP - I responded to you on Hope's thread....hope you read that as well.
Truly, we don't know what MLC is. I think almost all of what I read here fits. As well as the experience of former MLCers - fits well. Also, the criteria of my H's childhood is no stretch.
I do understand using MLC as an excuse for your M going wrong. As I said, it took me a LONG time to come to that conclusion.
I will say that nothing speaks more powerfully that true change within. Just this morning, I thanked God, that even though I felt that I had suffered a lot the last 2 years, I had not stopped changing myself and realizing the things I had done to contribute to the demise of my M. I STILL (even with lots of anger) can think of many times when my H was patient, kind and still beyond words. That's why I try with him and not ditch at the first transgression. I remember a LOT of what I did, and why it was wrong.
I don't blame my H for having misgivings about our M, or thinking it may not work, or beign sick of me. I just asked that he give it a chance, as he promised he would when we took our vows. That we could work through it, and in my opinion, we could have.
But, life goes on. And, it's in MY hands that my life goes on WELL.
Beyond the craziness, it is my H's choice to want to leave the M and me. That hurts, but it's the truth. Maybe he's not handling this part of his life well, and just wants out and does it in a way that is not the best.
I often believe this, and don't want to delude myeslf with MLC diagnosis if that is not so. Or, I don't want to believe in MLC to delude myself that I married a great guy who never will be something I think he can be.
As I said, it took me a LONG time to come to conclusions that there was something "extra" going on with H. I tried to see him as normal for so long, and actually spent a lot of time amplifying my own transgressions to meet his behaviors.
However, there came a time when I just couldn't overlook certain really freaky things. The wild spending - when he was so frugal. Driving a dumpy, gas-guzzling truck - when he wanted something a lot different. Moving in a homeless family with a criminal record into the house (his former patient) 1 week after I left (he was eventually evicted because of them). Temper tantrums at work, to the point where he is subtly being asked to leave. Not living in a stable home base. This is the doozy: seeing images, visions, hearing voices...to the point that he was not sleeping in his home for months. Borrowing cars b/c his truck is "broken". Flatly making up events and telling lies about me and twisting reality and events. Mood swings - wild ups and downs.
He was not a liar, not a cheat, was diplomatic and kind. His lies are with everyone, not just me. I only started suspecting something was going on when others said the same.
I'm not here to reiterate my story, that makes me nauseas enough.
Just that there are some bizarre behaviors that speak to more. I agree that there are cases where people DO need to hear that it's not quite MLC....or maybe something more.
Truth and knowledge are always power. And, if you are here to give us some of that during a hard time, we welcome it. Delusion never did anyone good.
IMP - I responded to you on Hope's thread....hope you read that as well.
Truly, we don't know what MLC is. I think almost all of what I read here fits. As well as the experience of former MLCers - fits well. Also, the criteria of my H's childhood is no stretch.
I do understand using MLC as an excuse for your M going wrong. As I said, it took me a LONG time to come to that conclusion.
I will say that nothing speaks more powerfully that true change within. Just this morning, I thanked God, that even though I felt that I had suffered a lot the last 2 years, I had not stopped changing myself and realizing the things I had done to contribute to the demise of my M. I STILL (even with lots of anger) can think of many times when my H was patient, kind and still beyond words. That's why I try with him and not ditch at the first transgression. I remember a LOT of what I did, and why it was wrong.
I don't blame my H for having misgivings about our M, or thinking it may not work, or beign sick of me. I just asked that he give it a chance, as he promised he would when we took our vows. That we could work through it, and in my opinion, we could have.
But, life goes on. And, it's in MY hands that my life goes on WELL.
Beyond the craziness, it is my H's choice to want to leave the M and me. That hurts, but it's the truth. Maybe he's not handling this part of his life well, and just wants out and does it in a way that is not the best.
I often believe this, and don't want to delude myeslf with MLC diagnosis if that is not so. Or, I don't want to believe in MLC to delude myself that I married a great guy who never will be something I think he can be.
As I said, it took me a LONG time to come to conclusions that there was something "extra" going on with H. I tried to see him as normal for so long, and actually spent a lot of time amplifying my own transgressions to meet his behaviors.
However, there came a time when I just couldn't overlook certain really freaky things. The wild spending - when he was so frugal. Driving a dumpy, gas-guzzling truck - when he wanted something a lot different. Moving in a homeless family with a criminal record into the house (his former patient) 1 week after I left (he was eventually evicted because of them). Temper tantrums at work, to the point where he is subtly being asked to leave. Not living in a stable home base. This is the doozy: seeing images, visions, hearing voices...to the point that he was not sleeping in his home for months. Borrowing cars b/c his truck is "broken". Flatly making up events and telling lies about me and twisting reality and events. Mood swings - wild ups and downs.
He was not a liar, not a cheat, was diplomatic and kind. His lies are with everyone, not just me. I only started suspecting something was going on when others said the same.
I'm not here to reiterate my story, that makes me nauseas enough.
Just that there are some bizarre behaviors that speak to more. I agree that there are cases where people DO need to hear that it's not quite MLC....or maybe something more.
I also agree that there are folks here wondering why they are in the boat...and still don't get the truth, the answer. That their patterns in that or previous R's could be the cause, or just an extension of current circumstances. And, MLC is a convenient blanket.
Truth and knowledge are always power. And, if you are here to give us some of that during a hard time, we welcome it. Delusion never did anyone good.
first of all..IMP..I hop eyou know I was no where near attacking you...I value your opinion and I welcome your ability to tell your thoughts. I guess my sense of bitterness came from simply reading your posts...it seems as though you answered me in a post to Lissie about your lack of emotion when you post. That makes sense to me as I read with emotion and write with emotion thatwhen I come upon your lack ofit in your posts, I read that wrongly. I apologize for that. I beleive I told you before, in a post somewhere, that I agreed with you...7 and 8 years later is a long time to beleive that someone is in a fog.
Yup...LSS is a diagnosed sociopath and I count my blessings every day that I am no longer in that situation.
Katie...I am so sorry you feel the way you do. Perhaps if you start a thread people will post to you. I have been here for awhile (not as long as some and longer than others) and I consider many people here my friends. We share a very special bond and I hope that you will feel that someday. I am quite certain you meant to hurt me or rile me in someway...totally your own deal. I am quite comfortable in my friendships and in my own skin. I never attacked anyone in quite the way you felt you needed to attack me and I can't imagine I would. But, I can't predict the future.
I spoke to my husband with love and affection. He is a very sick and scary person and no amount of anything will help him. I feel a great sense of sadness for him and his family and can't imagine what it would belike to be caught in a place where lies were better than my reality.
If it allieviates some of your pain to lash out at me...then state that. You attempts to belittel and degrade me have not hurt me...only you.
Hi always, I saw, but didn't want to get too far out of hand there (as I have been known to do). But thank you for stopping by and adding your wisdom. All the crap was all such an opportunity for growth. It was an opportunity to try new things. And it was an opportunity to change my approach to life. Nothing major. But then a little thing here and there and it makes a big difference. You might like to know there was a day when I was not humble...lol. Of course, there was a day when I always wanted something else. I learned to be happy with what I have and not with what I don't have. That is so huge.
One thing I have learned through all of this is not to hold a grudge. If I did, I would be in big trouble. I'd be bitter...lol!
Seriously, though, I want people to think about what they are going through (which is difficult in an emotional time). Decisions made in crisis (and an LBS is in crisis every bit as much or even more so that a person in MLC) are typically not well done. Believe me, I know. On the other hand, I also know that any story you want to make up can be validated by this book, that book, some post, a newspaper article, whatever you want. want to know one of my statistics. 12% of divorced people eventually remarry each other (I read it...in a book). Back in the day, it was hope. Now, it is a number. It is meaningless (to me). Why? Because if I was one of the 12%, my approach to life should have been no different than if I was one of the 88%. Now, this is opinion. I truly believe becoming the best we can be is the best way to live one's life. But, of course, I am still becoming and always will.
And if I may, a few years ago, I had a plan. Everyone told me...sounds like a good plan. One person told me I was nuts. Guess who was right. The one who told me I was full of ****. I know full of ****. I got better. And that is why we are having this discussion now.
