my needs are starting to be met??? are h's? what are h's needs?
Hell, LL, he's a guy. He might not even know what his needs are! So, it might pay to not assume that he knows, and that he just ain't telling you.
This could be a long process of experimenting, and observing. Or, instead of asking "what do you like", asking him "which do you like better, when I do this, or that".
I don't know. Maybe this guy is just a loner, and an introvert at heart. Have you EVER found anything that really trips his trigger? Anything that he gets excited about? There may be some clues about his unspoken needs there.
JJ
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uhm?? FOOTBALL, a green lawn, a good beer, other than that I dunno and he doesn't know either.
I have always asked him if he'd like this or if he'd like that and it's typically "whatever you like" "both are ok" seems like h just wants me to be happy. (but the guys gotta have some opinion)
do you want me to cook something different if there is some meal you'd like that I haven't been cooking just let me know.
no what you do is just fine
it's all fine, what I do is all fine. no requests, no complaints all is well. well how could all have been well if he wasn't happy, had an ea (that damn ? of pa still lingers) left me and wanted a d. all wasn't well so was it him or was it me that wasn't happy and he just couldn't take it anymore?????
ok men or women who know about sports what does this list mean?
19 A - 2 pt conversion yes $100-$350
174 A- alslott firts $50 @ 6-1
174 N jockey first touchdown $50 @ 15-1
tb 400 under 400
is this a list that someone would have when asked...did you bet on the team and they responded NO? and how much money has been wagered here? did he win any money? if so how much?? how much should I go withdraw for myself from the checking account??? I don't have the luxury of total control of funds... I have had to wait to get a friggen kitchen island which I no longer even mention..if I want to go to school I am seemingly expected to get a job put money away and pay myself (he doesn't outright say it that way but the message is there and he doesn't deny when I say it back to him that this is what I hear) now this is a man who can just bet what seems to be at least 500$ on a football game and spend at least 600$ a month on an appartment??? am I missing something here?
LL who wouldn't be a walkaway wife as she isn't really a part of her h's life anyway.
so when h called this am I asked him how much money he won and he said nothing, I said oh so you just lost 500? (and no I didn't say it with any attitude hell it's all his money any way and the bills are getting paid so it didn't come out of our mouths) h says, what are you talking about...I let him know I saw the betting slip. h says buddie bet...then went on into some ramblings of how he didn't bet anything that he put the call in for the other bets that if he had made those bets he would have made alot of money but betting on these teams wasn't of interest to him...all with an attitude mind you. eventually I mention the money and the money he spends on the appartment and not wanting to pay for me to go to school...silence then "I have a deal worked out with him" (him the appartment owner is a customer, been nice if I knew that but I don't really believe it) then h had to go...h can never talk...there is never a good time for him to talk and this I let him know...doesn't want to go to c to talk but doesn't want to talk at home either...h then said "give me a f-ing break" I hung up. there's your f'ing break!
I don't know and really wonder if I even care anymore. why the hell did I marry this man? I didn't even feel that he loved me when he proposed so why did I accept, I didn't feel that he loved me when we married so why did I have a child with him? I still didn't feel that he loved me so why did I move away and build a house with him? I still didn't feel he loved me so why did I have a second child with him? I still didn't feel he loved me so why after his a did I want to "try", I still didn't feel that he loved me while he walked away and told me that he didn't love me so why did I then still want to "try", I still didn't feel that he loved me when he came back so why did I let him...did I really think anything would change???
I don't like the life I see h and I having because it is not a life that h and I will have it is a life that he will have and I will have but WE will not be anything more than aquantances....maybe he should leave and be alone come visit his kids and be with ow...the one he really loves.
I don't want this life!! I feel trapped, I feel controlled, I feel suffocated, I feel deprived, I feel insecure, I feel misserable, I feel like I justify "trying" because of the kids and the efforts that I do see h making but they are not really efforts toward becoming closer to me they are efforts at getting closer to the kids and a "peacfull" co-exhistance and frankly I want more than that!!
I deserve more than that. I don't think I will ever be truly happy with h and the only way I make myself happy is to think that eventually all r's just end up this way after the initial "feelings" wear off, but honestly I know that is not true! h doesn't love me the way a man should love a woman!!
I wonder what that word even means. I don't know if I love h or if I did once have a childish infatuation with him and stayed because well as he always said "well go find someone better" perhaps I simply settled and accepted all the "things" that h promised and gave up on love a long time ago or maybe I stayed with h out of comfort and saftey not willing to take the risk on real love.
I am tired of trying to work on this r. I am tired of walking on eggshells with this man, i am tired of not knowing this man. I am tired of my life and I am tired of knowing full well that though a d may open my life to new things it will damage my children as well as h and I. I know that I can do anything I want to do (within reason and if it involves money with h's approval) and still stay married but what the hell kind of r is that??? there is no r between h and I. we should not have gotten married and that is the end of this story.
LL, I've asked myself these same questions. Like you, my W has been "distant" for many years, it ever so gradually getting worse each successive year. Throughout the years, I've provided a nice home, have been attentive to her needs, and take a very active role raising our children. I have not been perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I have "been there" for her and have loved her through all of these years.
Like you, I think we got married because it was the next step...at least in her mind this was the case. Since we went through that infatuation stage the first two years of our life when we were 15 and 16, we have not experienced it in our adult lives. Well, at least she hasn't.
Why do we love these people? I don't really know (RJJ do they have a male version of this book you are reading?). Is it healthy? Don't know that either...but it is what it is. I think, when I really look at the situation carefully, is that my W has had some "issues" for many years that she has never overcome. Our life has been one big distraction after another...until finally these issues overcame her. Maybe it's the same with your H? It seems to me that our Ses need to go on their own "walkabout" and determine why they are not "feeling happy." I think OW was a distraction for you H...as OM was a distraction for my W. Our Ses need to get their sh!t together and get happy. I'll tell you what, if my W doesn't, I'm going to move along without her. I WILL NOT deal with her crap for the rest of my life. It sounds like you're having the same stirrings.
Now, how to get your H to go on his "walkabout"...
I am so confused I don't know what to do anymore, this past year has really done a number on me and I don't think I really survived it, or perhaps I did survive it but am not happy at how I handled everything. I was a young mother with a young boy (2+) and a new baby (3month) when I discovered the ea...I lost my son in all this mess..he was my focus my life we sometimes I wouldn't even say what I was thinking and this little boy would utter my thoughts (one day we were out at the swing set and I thought wow this would be a cool place to sneak off and read a book and son then said.. mamma let's get a book to read out here. now son always wants daddy) my house is not as clean as it used to be, I am not as organized as I was, the meals are not prepared as well as they used to be... I've lost it. I feel like a failure and then I feel resentful toward h because if he didn't have the a and leave but stayed and stood by his wife and son and new baby things would have gone much smoother. I want to rip my head off.
I do love h I just don't know him. and that makes no sense.
So, it might pay to not assume that he knows, and that he just ain't telling you.
and he doesn't know either.