Have you tried asking for what you want? Your husband sounds like an emotional "bull in a china shop". Have you sat him down and said "I've got something to tell you about myself". And then gone on to explicitly explain what you need from him in order to feel loved? Be blunt, use point form. Keep your statements ME oriented "I need hugs", etc.
Don't use examples from the past but paraphrase them. Make sure he understands that he is hurting you. Sounds like your H has blunted empathy. Just simply lay it on the line without sugar coating it but without blaming and finger pointing.
I don't know, I just get this feeling that you are now a WAW who simply hasn't walked yet. Following your posts has helped me tremdously to understand what it was that my wife struggled with for so many years. So, just say the word and I'll come down and smack the H around with a frozen salmon fillet (we grow big salmon up here ).
Seriously, I don't know if I would have made my changes if my W had simply asked. Somehow I get the impression that men operate best under crisis conditions. The loss of the one we have pledged ourselves to seems to have put the men on this board into crisis mode, they are at their best as men (I feel they are anyway). Maybe you need to think about a way to get your H into crisis mode without having to walk away. You are a good person and shouldn't have to be the one to DB and then carry the guilt of walking, not fair.
Be strong, men can change ... just look at the guys on the board here!
Wishing I could offer more....
Brought to you by a preadapted, preeminent analysis engine, and therein lies the root of all evil.
Quoting lostlove: h (who does love me?) see's it as no matter what he does or says I am just not happy and yet for some reason chooses mostly to say and do nothing.
Quoting lostlove: I have tried the I'll just do my thing bit and you know what... h is more than happy to let me do my thing and never spend time with me.
LL,
This is downright spooky! I do not know another man on the planet who acts the way my H does (yours excepted). Unfortunately, I cannot give you any advice because I have not figured out what to do with him, but I can offer you genuine sympathy because I do know just how you feel!
LL is doing a bit better. realizing that spending time on me doing my thing is not so bad. h will come to me when he's ready and if I'm ready before he is as long as he doesn't reject me then all is well.
I suppose h is right in that no matter what he does it's just not enough or I'm just never happy with him. thing is that h used to (and I mean a long long time ago) treat me like a queen, I was someone special (hell he even gave me a heart shaped charm that said so) and though it may seem that h is a nimrod, he is not, he is becomming an excellent daddy someone who realizes that spending time with the kids is just as (if not more) important as working to provide all the "stuff" for them. h is realizing what it is that I want (well somewhat) and I am realizing that instead of getting annoyed in the am when he leaves that all I get is a peck why not just respond to that peck with a hug myself??? so two mornings in a row when h has initiated his peck goodbye I have initiated a hug. for now that is fine and perhaps h will soon go for the hug himself.
so last night I started reading my book club book, tonight I have a pediactric cpr course to attend, fri I'll do more reading and sat is the party!! sun is a baby shower for my cousin (mil will wach the kiddos) and superbowl for h. and next week has some nights of "stuff" for me planned too.
while I was out tues night (was damn cold!!) I stopped at home depot and bought some paint stuff for the dining room, I will start that after my reading is done!!
so I guess if I want to be persued... I will have to busy myself with productive other things so that I am in a position to be persued cause obviously there is no fun or point in persuing someone who is sitting right there waiting to be persued, and if h doesn't persue...well at least I'll be getting some things done round here.
I made an appointment to meet with a trainer at the gym for next thurs night!! I'm actually excited to start working out.
so all in all things are good.
suppose at some point I will just have to put my rings back on myself as it doesn't seem h will ask me to... unless of course I leave them on the window cill?
Well, it certainly sounds like you are doing better. I'm glad.
Quote: thing is that h used to (and I mean a long long time ago) treat me like a queen, I was someone special (hell he even gave me a heart shaped charm that said so) and though it may seem that h is a nimrod, he is not, he is becomming an excellent daddy someone who realizes that spending time with the kids is just as (if not more) important as working to provide all the "stuff" for them.
Jeez...you were in WAW mode the last couple of days...forgetting some of the good things in the past? Know what I'm saying? If your H once treated you like a queen, then hopefully, over time, he will do the same again. Him spending more time with the kids also demonstrates how he's coming around. It may be slow, but he's doing it... Let's hope that soon those "coming home" efforts will gravitate toward you a little more. I think doing your own thing will help start this process. I think we all tend to "project" our feelings onto our Ses even though we don't "say" anything about them. The projection comes across through words, actions, body language, etc. Our Ses know us so well that they immediately pick up on it... You concentrating on other things will take your attention away from your R so much and it will boost your PMA. This PMA will end up shining through the interactions you have with your H. Reminds me of the song, "Shiney Happy People (or LL)" by REM.
Home Depot has to be my favorite store...although they have a limited tool selection! I could spend hours in there...drives my W nuts! Good for you for going to the "jim."
love that song!!!! sesame street even has a version of it with them, instead of people it's monsters and they go through all the emotions, crying, laughing, etc.
anyway! yup yup yup!!
LL shiney happy LL dancing, ba da bup bup ba!! hey hey!!
Quoting lostlove: so I guess if I want to be persued... I will have to busy myself with productive other things so that I am in a position to be persued cause obviously there is no fun or point in persuing someone who is sitting right there waiting to be persued, and if h doesn't persue...well at least I'll be getting some things done round here.
Wow, I really like this POV. I really think you're onto something here. Of coarse, being a little flirtatious on occasion might help stir things up too. (but don't take my word for it, I heard it from Bridget.)
Not much to say other than I'm glad things are going fairly well for you. H being a great Daddy is HUGE...give him credit. Also, accept him for what he is. Don't try to mold him. My X tried to mold me, I allowed it, then she lost respect for me and the rest is history.
LL, sorry that you have been up and down the past few days...you always manage to help me out, and I am not sure what to say...maybe you are trying too hard for everything to be "the way they were" too soon...take each positive, no matter how small and grasp it for the time...waiting for the next one.People change and maybe our spouses are never going to be the same as they were, and guess it is our choice to accept them for what they have to offer us now. Sounds like you are keeping busy, and I sure have found that by shifting from "poor me, what if m does not work out", or "why doesn't he call, hug me"...whatever you want to fill in there, to "It is a great new day and I am going to do something positive today for myself else"..it sure keeps the mind open and healthy. Take care Sue
well folks I can imagine that by now you can tell that in this marriage I basically have been on the verge of being a waw for many years I just didn't walk away and never really gave up "trying" to repair the r. thing is h walked away, the one who saught out companionship elswhere and left ME. I am resentful suppose I probably always will be a bit resentful the only other choice seems to be to accept that h never did love me "the way a man is supposed to love a woman" (his own damn words) and that "it" just isn't here. accept that I will have a "business like" r with h, that we will communicate about the children, learn to get along and peacfully co-exhist. what a lame a$$ r that is. I want to be loved like a woman should be loved.
I don't trust h and can't tell him. I don't feel h is happy to be with ME, he is THRILLED to be with his kids and in HIS home. going out and doing for me is great and all but where is the companinship the friendship the lover???? am I to live a lonley life with a man?? there is no way that I will know what h is "up to" as all the "nice things" that h does, he did all along. today he is taking my car to be inspected and re-registered. gee over the summer he took my car to be cleaned but then went and spent time with ow. doubt he was cleaning her car or doing her dishes or making her bed no he was sitting and talking to her and her "venting" about her sadness over her illness was not met with distance it was met with "love" and "compasion" so then what am I to do?? live my own life, empty of love, hoping that I am strong enough to ignore the advances of "friendship" from other men. right now this m is pretty safe from that as I am at home with two kids, but what happens when I get a job or go to the gym???? what happens when some other man starts to pay me the attention I so want from h. what is to keep me from accepting that "happiness" I am seeking??? or just sit and be resentful of the fact that I live in a passionless m, but accept it because I don't want to mess with the children???
I will not leave, I am tired of threatening d and haven't in some time, but I do not feel that I will be happy this way. it's unhealthy.
none of it matters! none of what h does matters! he told me so. told me he never felt "that way" about me. I always thought it and he confirmed it, now I know there is another out there that he does feel "that way" about.
).
I could spend hours in there...drives my W nuts! Good for you for going to the "jim." 
I really think you're onto something here. Of coarse, being a little flirtatious on occasion might help stir things up too.