Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Need another opinion, is my W OM, friend or more?

Hej Andy!

Good to see you had a nice talk. About the OM, he's probably the "lets be friends first and then I'll get into her pants" type. Pretty lame, actually and very adolescent. Once she opens her eyes up after he makes his move she's going to feel so-o-o embarassed about allowing this to get where it is. Just a friend my @ss!

Now, what are your goals? Are you going to stand for your marriage? How? What things are you going to focus on going forward?

OTB

Hi OTB,

I really would like to save our marriage.

I did have the best sleep I have had for several months, I am glad we had the talk yesterday. I have been so exhausted and drained.

As far as goals go, I am hoping that the talk will smooth things out (as there has been a lot of tension between us). I am hoping that she will feel happier and less stressed about things she is going through.

I am hoping that with time, she may feel comfortable enough to start doing things with me (and DD), like she used to, even after the bomb we did things together (which has deteriated to nothing now).

I hope that her home life will be a much more happier and fullfilling, and the need for OM's friendship and companionship will lessen.

I understand that he is just a bandaid for her, that with all the pestering of her family and old friends and myself (regarding what she is doing), at least OM did not pester her and she could "switch off" with him.

I also got a call from BIL, and he told me that when he spoke to W, that she mentioned "He hasn't changed, he will be nice for a few weeks, then go off at me".

When we spoke yesterday, I told her that the only reason I have gone off over the last several months, is due to one thing and one thing only, OM. I told her that there was a vailid reason the the last two incidents, one when I found out that I had funded a movie and meal for the tight arse when W, OM and DD went to the movies (I did not want OM near DD, especially on a "date").

The other time was when I found out that he was over for dinner on Fri night (with DD home), whilst I was out.

Two pretty good reasons.

Its been a good week.

W is more pleasant (still guarded), and manages a smile now and then.

Had a few friends over on Wed night to watch the Rugby League, stayed up till 1 am playing DD's X-box with them.

When W was getting DD ready for school on Thu morn, she told DD "I'm a little bit tired because Daddy's friends kept me up last night".

There was no anger in her voice, and she sounded like she did when we were together. Also she did not say "Your Daddy's friends" like she normally would refer to me.

She has also told me of events happening in the future (eg DD's being taken for weekend with SIL family for weekend trip in July, W spending weekend in Sept for a work "timeout" etc).

She hasn't mentioned anything re future activities since the bomb.

This morning (Fri), I have the day off. I got DD ready for school, lunch etc. W dropped her off so I could have a sleep in (finished work at 1am this morn). Also I have things to do today (Gym, golf driving range).

I told W that I could pick her up from school this arvo, but if she could take DD with her to her hair appointment (she is going to a family birthday party of a distant cousin tomorrow, I was invited however W did not want me to go)

W got a bit poopy, because I asked her (she knows I will be going out tonight instead). She still makes a good effort of avoiding any conversation with me, I instigate the "Good mornings", "Good bye, have a nice day at work" etc.

One day I did not say a thing and she left for work without even acknowleding me.

I hope this may be another phase of MLC that she is going through, to bring her closer towards the tunnel exit...............

andyv

Good job in keeping your cool. I agree that the more plesent we make it for our W at home. the less they will have to talk to the OM about.
We have a family weekend outting next weekend. First time since I found out about the PA. My W wanted me to plan it. I feel like I am dating my W (no physical contact) but dating. Sometimes she lets her guard down.
Glad to hear your IL's are with ya. NO BoDY in my or her family knows. This is hard on me because at gatherings I think in my mind. IF YOU ONLY KNEW WHAT SHE HAS DONE. But im afraid if I let the cat out of the bag it will only push her farther away. So I am keeping my mouth shut for now

H

All my nightmares have came true yesterday.

Major backslide. I kept asking W for the truth re: OM and how far their relationship had progressed.

Reason for backslide was that she did not come home on Sat night, and crept in close to midnight on Sunday. DD and I had not seen her all weekend.

On Mon morn, she sounded cheery on the phone, and when asked how she felt, she said "Good". Normally she says she is "Alright".

She told me that she stayed at her sisters. With her happy mood change, I expected the worst (I know, I am an idiot and should not have overanylized).

I have not snooped for several months, but for some reason decided to have a look at my cell bill online (both home and mobile are linked, I have given W key to PO box to retrieve bill and give me cover page to pay, not call list as she did not want me to know any of her calls).

One call on Saturday night at 11pm from OM's house (suburb that he lives in), then another one at 10:30am on Sun morning, then another few between 2pm and 7pm Sun night (all calls to her family and friends, none to OM).

There is no way W would be up at her sis house that early (normally sleeps till 11am on Sun after night out), and then get dressed and drive 40 minutes to OM's house, so she must have slept there.

I probably should have left it there (and not looked at bill). But I needed to know. I called her Mon afternoon at work and pretty much "pushed" her into telling me that OM was not just a friend but they were in a relationship.

She got angry and said "Okay, if that is what you want to hear, then I am in a relationship with him, now you need to move on".

Her cousin rang me and told me off, for everything. She told me that this OM is someone special in her life that has gotten her through all the pain with what was happening to us, and that they have done nothing wrong, and he was her best friend and they love being together, as only friends.

The thing that hurts is that she said that if I approached the sitch differently, and given her the space she asked back in Feb07, we would probably have been together now. But with my persistant questioning and calling family and friends, and telling them everything, that I have caused irepairable damage.

It seems that any little thing I do wrong is blown out of proportion, and is told to everyone (by my W), painting me as the villian, but she will not tell anyone all the kind and considerate things that I have done whilst we have been going through this. Plus she does not tell them anything about her "activities", which has a lot to do with my reactions.

W came home with girlfriend after Kickboxing, and I cooked dinner for them both, and acted as if nothing had changed (re telephone convo about OM earlier).

We were all relaxed, W seemed pleasant, both thanked me for lovely meal. W made me coffee. Then girlfriend left and W went to bed whilst I stayed up to help DD with an assignment due the next day (DD got up at 10:15pm after remembering she forgot, and was pretty distressed).

I stayed up with DD and we finished assignment at around 10:45pm. W whispered out across the hall as I lay in my bed a "thank you" for helping DD finish.

But I guarentee that the next time she talks to family and friends, she will not mention any of this, but will probably tell them that I harrassed her on the phone earlier in the day.

Sorry for the long post, I just feel like sh*t and needed to type it down.

I'm in a similar sitch. If you are still talking with your wife you are very lucky. My wife has already admitted being in love w/ OM 16 yrs younger and she's 38! Use the techniques in the book while you still have communication! My wife won't talk to me at all and we live in the same house!

At least you can still talk to her about something. Take advantage of it because one day she may not let you discuss anything but your kids with her. Take it from me, I know. Now all I have is the LR since she won't end her PA/EA.

Thx WAW,

I really do have to pull my finger out.

I am so sorry to hear your sitch, I hope things do improve with time, hopefully your W's OM will realise what a mistake he is making and finds someone closer to his age.

If you can hold out and can forgive her for what she has done, I think this may not be a long lasting affair. I can't see myself at that age wanting to get into a serious relationship with someone that much older, with baggage. If she doesn't come to her senses, he surely will.

The novelty will wear off for one of them.

This is what I am hopefull of. I have always thought that I could not forgive my W for having another, but when I look back on what a wonderful partner she has been for 16 years, I owe it to her to hang in there, after all most of the blame should be placed on me.

I broke her emotionally by not being there for 1-2 years, and put undue pressure on her with raising DD and building our house whilst I was away. This is something that I can never forgive myself for. She was such a happy and loving person, and I changed all that. It does take two to tango, and there are things that she could have done to save our M, but I decided to sit out the dance......

Hey andyv-

Just dropped in to say "good day mate". How long do you figure we are we supposed to hold out? My wife is still home be are talking but it's like we are room mates. I need a companion not a room mates.
My 10 yr old son was really upset the other night. I finely got him tell me what was wrong. He said he didn't know it was far off but he didn't want me or his mom to die. I told him not to worry we are not planning on dieing real soon. I don't know how he would handle it if we got divorced. That is the one of the reasons I am working on my marriage. But I don't think I can live this was for 8 more years.

Husband

Oh yeah,I forgot to mention, she's the one that wants the divorce so I cant even use the last-last resort that gives her the ultimatum since she's already trying to file for divorce. I think she wants to marry this kid when we are through. He's feeding her lines like he wants to spend the rest of his life with her!

I've been hearing from everyone that this is just a fling that will crash and burn soon. It's been going on since at least 2-07 so I'm hopeful it will run its course. She currently still seems madly in love with him and extremely angry at me.

Regarding taking her back, according to the book, many couples have recovered from infidelity and have become stronger since then. I am hoping to join in their ranks. It's only been a week since I've started using the LR and I feel ten times better than before! Even if she finally does leave me I will be able to move on. My choice is to remain a family and reconcile with wife though so I am trying everything possible.

If anyone has any idea what I can do,please let me know. Especially since she doesn't want to end the affair and she wants the divorce quite badly.

WAW - good luck to you. I know the struggle of fighting to keep your family together when your wife is "in love" with someone else.

I know there is nothing i can do as long as the OM is saying all the right things. And i'm even realizing that until we are seperated she may never see his negative points.

I just hope he screws up, and she wakes up.