Thanks, DNQ, for the insights. I find that it's usually WAH who can be calm and collected. I'm the one who might lose it, although not to harangue and batter him, but to cry... Maybe it's a male/female thing; he always has had the ability to distant himself and I've always found it hard to hold back the tears when I'm tense, anxious or emotional.
Still, I can see that having the goal of being able to keep that emotional reserve when around him is a good one. Truly, most days I'm pretty good (although if you read over my posts, it doesn't sound like it!). It's when we attempt these "bigger" talks that I don't quite make it - the R or other anxiety topics like finances. Answer: no more "bigger" talks for a while, right?
And as for the weight loss, it really is great. I can't get over how many people keep telling me how fabulous I look (I'm down 35 lbs now and 2 sizes). My reply is that if I had known this was how to lose weight, I'd have had H move out years ago . Still, my S17yo has assured me that it doesn't really matter since 40-something moms "can't be sexy." Hmmm, I guess I'm just as glad that he thinks that since he tends to date older girls (2 yrs older or so) already .
Today looks better than yesterday. Onwards ... Anne
Okay, so DH wants to send 13yoDS to his mom's for a week or so this summer. We had discussed it before and I have no problems.
My problem is we had a week planned (tentatively) at the beach. Reservations have not been made. DH doesn't think he can do even 4 days with me yet. *ouch* That's how we got into the discussion that I'd like to go by myself for a while then. Now he's saying "I know I could never do that, so I won't even ask." He's right. I have such HUGE trust issues that I probably would not survive. That's why I want to go alone and not with the kids... so they'd be here with him.
You don't suck, JustD. Though, you are right, this whole thing does suck!
I've written a couple different replies to you, and none of them really sound right. I do think having time away is important ... and the challenge is the trust to let DH go away alone too (wouldn't that be a major 180 for you?). But did DH say he wanted to go away, or did he just say he knew already it wasn't a possibility? Are you jumping into the guilty frustrated thinking when you don't really need to?
Sorry, this doesn't quite sound right either. I hope you are finding some energy to forgive yourself tonight. (Something I suck at big time!)
I've just really wound myself up today. I just want this to be over.
Yes, if I told him he could go by himself, it would be a total 180, but I would seriously have to be sedated the whole time. I can't leave him here either by himself for the same reason.
This is one way I wound myself up today. I've been totally dwelling on him not wanting to spend 4 days with me. Then today, I took 2 of the boys to the Y to go swimming. He said he was going to the Y before coming to get 7yo. I asked if he wanted to have dinner with us and he said it would have to be after 7. No problem. So I do my thing at the Y this morning... go grocery shopping, take a nap, get dinner prepared and take the 2 to the Y. So it's about 4:30 when we get there. Come 5:30, I couldn't not look out the windows (indoor pool) to see if DH really was coming to the Y to work out.
Side story: I found flirtatious emails between him and a co-worker almost a year ago. We had a big to-do about it and eventually I had words with her and made a scene... embarrassing all 3 of us. I later apologized. He told me then I had nothing to worry about. I asked how he would handle it if I did the same thing and he said he was secure in our marriage, so it wouldn't bother him. I asked if he would have typed those messages if I was looking over his shoulder and he said no. So I said that showed it was inappropriate. She's this cute little single 25yo who drives a cute little BMW convertible. Yeah... I'm this almost 40yo mom of 3 who drives a minivan. I can't compete. So anyway, I don't even know HOW to trust any more!! I know I can't punish him forever. I'm not even trying to punish him, but I need his help and him leaving isn't helping.
Okay, so a while ago he says he wants to join a different gym cuz the Y closes at 9 and it's hard to make it sometimes. He'd like to join another gym... closer to work. Goes on and on about it and a light bulb goes off. He says he knows someone who works out there. Guess who? Yeah. Sooooo today I was figuring he'd be working out with her after work and I spun myself up. In the end, we got out of the pool around 6:10 and sat in the sauna. When we met up in the hallway, I checked in the cardio area and there was DH. *sigh of relief*
He had dinner with us and then leaves immediately to go walking with 7yo. I wish they were walking here.
Maybe I'm just tired. I don't know. When he left, he did kiss me, put his arm around me and tap my behind a couple of times. Then at the car, I had to sign some paperwork to sell the last of our timeshares (we sold majority after the A). I told him I'm not signing divorce papers and he got kinda angry saying I can't use that word (meaning around DS). He said he'd forge those anyway.
At least I didn't act all down while he was here. I just enjoy his company and I'm even looking him in the eye more... that's weird... LOL!!
Okay, after typing that I feel a little better cuz I'm actually looking him in the eye... I even commented that he looked like he lost weight. He blew it off saying it was because he shaved...
Do you ever wonder if you are denying yourself a more fulfilling life with someone else waiting for H to come around?
I know - them words be treachery. But sometimes I'm already wondering if I am going to find myself a year down the road (that is if H doesn't push the D) still waiting for him to decide that he can love a woman again. What if he can't ever change enough to come home? I keep thinking I love this man more than I can believe, but maybe that's not gonna cut it...
And now I have to quit this line of thinking or I'm going to cry.
No. I believe deep down that we will work through this and be B & D again... better, more caring, stronger than ever. I can't ever imagine myself with anyone else. I just don't see it. BUT I get sick to my stomach thinking he would feel that way with someone else.
Sometimes I think I'm an idiot for trying to save my marriage, though. Like that book.. He's Just Not Into You.
Anned and JustD...I had many of the same feelings...feeling like an idiot...feeling like there was certainly someone better out there for me....wondering if he went of the end for good and could never be someone I would like again...wondering if love was enough...not being able to imagine myself with someone else...and wondering how he could....
Believe me when I say these are all pretty normal...remember you are grieving the loss of your marriage...as you knew it...even if you do reconcile...the marriage you had/have now will forever be gone...it has to...because it was the broken one...for now the warranty hasn't expired...so there is still a chance to exchange it for the new one...and we all know how it goes with "things"...they are always NEW and IMPROVED!...so that is the version of marriage you want...
Lin and D -- Your words are great. Even though I'm wondering about things (new and improved though they might be ), I know inside that I'm hanging in there for the longer haul. I guess I find myself doubting b/c I worry that H will push for a D and I want to be ready -- you know, taking the offensive. But if I'm looking at the truth in me, at least now, I can't imagine being with anyone else.
I do believe that only if I hang on and make changes for me - in me - while staying in the marriage, will I really accomplish them. I am finding that I can learn patience, and there is no better classroom to teach me how to let go of control. If in the midst, I can love H through this and learn to really let down my fear of boundaries that only lets people come in so far, I will be that much better. And so, I can only guess, will my marriage.
I think that some of these questions of someone else comes from the panic and worry I had yesterday and this morning; it seems that these rollercoaster hills ( ) throw me from one extreme to another. How crazy it is, eh?
But I find you all help me keep my head above water. Thanks! Anne
Again, I completely get what you're saying. I call it "braced". I've been "braced" forever for him to leave, so it wouldn't be so painful this time. Ha!! I mean it's not, but still, living "braced" was NOT living!!
One of the things DH promised me when he left was that he'd wear his wedding ring. He takes it off a lot for things like yard work and playing on the lake. He hasn't worn it in over a week when he cut up and blistered his hands removing a holly bush. I figured he'd for sure have it on last night cuz he thought he left it at work over the long weekend. Nope. He might have lost it. I started to say something and he said "I know, I promised" and again used the excuse about his hands. Whatever.
We were invited to a graduation party this weekend in Atlanta. The past couple of trips, we have spent the night in a hotel since it's such a long drive. We'll see. We haven't talked about it and his cousin called last night about it, so we'll see.
Okay, I'm off to the Y. It helps for that hour and a half... LOL!!
Isn't it funny what importance those rings take on? I keep waiting for H to not be wearing his; I find myself glancing at his hand every time I see him just to see if it's there. So far, he still wears it, although he's mentioned that some of the people he knows have asked him why. (These are the same people who suggested that maybe the reason I have asked H a couple times about an OW is that I am having an A myself! I don't think they have a clue about what this all means.)
I mentioned to H that for S2's birthday, it might be a nice gift to take S2 and a friend or two to an amusement park a couple hours away from here. I suggested that we could all go -- that S2 might like that -- and H's first response about traveling down and back with me was "well, that's not going to happen!" He's so paranoid about appearing to "soften" on his stand!
I was proud of me, though, b/c I just calmly said, "OK" and suggested that I could take S2 during the week when H couldn't go and so avoid H having to tell S2 no. I know -- in some ways I was protecting him, but on the other hand, I think that accepting his response made him relax a bit. He said "Let me think about it; maybe we could work it out" after that. Maybe I'm learning how to be more calm and less threatening?
Whoo boy, that's enough. I'm off to work today and then taking S2 to see his C. S2's excited to go, but he keeps hoping that his day will be bad so he can really get angry while at the C's office. Oh well, at least we're getting our money's worth out of this...
Cheers and hope you have a good day today. I'm sending out warm thoughts and hugs -- Anne
. Still, my S17yo has assured me that it doesn't really matter since 40-something moms "can't be sexy." Hmmm, I guess I'm just as glad that he thinks that since he tends to date older girls (2 yrs older or so) already 
.
), I know inside that I'm hanging in there for the longer haul. I guess I find myself doubting b/c I worry that H will push for a D and I want to be ready -- you know, taking the offensive. But if I'm looking at the truth in me, at least now, I can't imagine being with anyone else. 
Oh well, at least we're getting our money's worth out of this...