Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Need Veteran Piecer's Advice - desperately!!!

Well...another veteran here...I can follow Cat03's post to a tee...my H did and said many of the same things...

HB...not get too down with this...my H threw the D card at me a few times after he returned...threatened to leave...the first few times I panicked...like you...what about he kids?...etc...

Then I finally felt strong...and basically told him if he felt he needed to leave then I WANTED HIM TO GET OUT....NOW!...he back pedaled big time...I am not saying to do this...like I said it was when I felt strong...it was many times of panick...

Also...getting treatment for his depression would be really helpful...if you can get him to go to the doctor...or if you find out if he has appointment...call his doctor and ask that he assess him...this is what my H's doctor did...and it did help a lot...

Again, he isn't doing anything that other's of us haven't seen...I stated several times that piecing is the hardest part of all the DB'ing...I gave and gave...and I have Cat03 beat...my H couldn't tell me he loved me for nearly 14 months after he returned!!!...that was over a year of me giving and giving...now finally I get the "I love you's"...

All of this is hard...I can feel your pain because it was not all that long ago that I was walking in your shoes...but keep the faith...hold...and keep doing all you can to keep peace...and try not to worry too much....I know this is hard...but he is in a worse place then you...so have compassion for him and take care of yourself...

Lin

HB, I wish I could say something inspirational to you. About all I have for you is I will say a prayer for you and your family.

Sorry I cannot help more.

Thanks everyone. I took two advil PM to help me sleep last night and I guess this AM I am just numb.

I called him at 9:30 to make sure he was better (I swear he was just out of his mind with pain last night) and he was calmed down, very sad, but better.

I want to call this AM but I know I need to give him his space for now. I would love to crawl back into bed and stay forever at this rate. I have been saying all along to him please don't come home for me - I do not want him unless he wants me. Now he's saying he I have forced him home. I just did not want my heart broken again - I was so detached from him when he moved out and now the process starts again.

How often do I call - or do I just wait for him? I told him he should not be with us tonight - to have dinner on his own. Is this right? Why am I second guessing myself so bad...?

Time to get a PMA - this is going to be a long day!

Thanks for your kind words they help me so much!

Not givng up yet....

HB

HB - I am so sorry this is becoming to difficult for you and your H. I don't think you should give up yet either. Your H sounds very depressed and everything is gloom and doom in his eyes.

I think you are right to go back to the same DB techniques that you used during his A. Give him space and make good use of every minute that you do have together by wowing him with what a wonderful, positive, gorgeous woman that you are.

Take Care..

I am not a veteran like all these other VERY wise people are,,, but this one sentence is crucial !!!
And so very true ....
Take care and GOD BLESS.....

Thanks!

Well I called him and he let it go to vme and I just said "I was hoping he was doing ok and that he made it into work okay, no need to call me back." He did text msg me: "I'm OK. About the same. I only slept about one hour last night. Sorry, but I don't want to talk at work. Don't worry - I have to start taking care of me." I text back "thanks for the msg, I am worried about YOU too."

I have a gut feel I may be served with papers in the future - he really believes his pain and hurt will go away if we D, though he has been saying it's not you/it's not us.... I may be movng into the MLC group...

I changed my C appt to this Thursday - which makes me feel better. I am thinking about contacting a lawyer just to protect myself and my kids...

Thanks for all your support! I will pull back from him today and let him have his space...

I wrote this @ 2 weeks before Reconciling and when we got "back " together... I foolishly thought it would be smooth sailing it was not and has not been.. Just recently it has gotten more stable.

I dunno your H like you do but it does seem that they are suffering and very weak and they need for you THE LBS to be strong very strong and "carry " them so to speak. MY H was telling me 2 weeks before he changed his mind not to let his spending time with me fool ME that he was never going back on THE D!!!! EVER!!!!
And to my shock two weeks later he was changed and said he loved me and wanted for us to love eachother for a very long time.. GO FIGURE?????
I do feel for you and you will be in my prayers .. all my best to you honey... Keep strong and keep smiling even when it seems you can not!!! dunno if I helped any just my two cents...
God bless....

Your above thoughts bring tears to my eyes - it is exactly how I feel. I know I can make it without him but I still do not want to let him go. He is pushing me to make a D decision he can't do himself (yet!)... I need to remain strong but then H says I just try and control everything - he feels I am not letting him have choices when all along I have said DO NOT COME BACK UNLESS YOU WANT ME TOO !!!!! How much clearer could I have stated this? I really hate this roller coaster ride!!

God bless you honey and you have much support here do not forget that, had it not been for you all here I would NOT be the sane woman I am today! I too felt like MY H wanted me to say I want the D for him ,, he tried many times to push me into it. I said to him once "even after all the pain you have put me thru I will not give up on you , I will however pray for you cause I do not envy you, you are so lost." He was SPEECHLESS!

I wasn't ready to let go either so I kept praying for a Miracle and for GOD to restore him...

I posted this 2 weeks before he changed his mind...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you GOD for allowing him to be beautiful with me ,, please help to restore him,please give him direction, please bless him , please help me to be strong and let go of the outcome, please bless me with guidance.
Shine your light on me so that I will feel blessed instead of confused ,
give me patience to see this through.
Be my guiding light in this time of great turmoil, give me strength to be more like you and let go and forgive. Take away my pain and replace it with joy. Help me love without measure,help me please.

To forgive is divine let me feel it and give me peace,, I will do your will and love til there is no more left in me to give , help me to shine , help me to have faith.
I place my life in your hands and ask only for strength, to keep me in your arms.
I want the best for myself and my Family,Please help me see.
Open my eyes to new ways to love and show gratitude everyday,, open my heart to feel only pure love and set the hurt aside to live in your light and find comfort in knowing you will always take care of me even when I forget to take care
of myself.
Bless me dear GOD and forgive me for not loving so freely before,,,
for living in fear.
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YES it is a ROLLERCOASTER and there were many times I wanted to return my d*mn ticket and get off for good and yet my heart would not let me.... I looked for an old post of mine with you in mind to let you know you are not alone and yes it hurts like hell but if HE finds his way back and out of the dark place he is in and says I want you and I love you and its just you and me .... It will still feel like h*ll on EARTH at times until he is FULLY better. Hang in there love be strong for you and love yourself enough to love from a distance and take care of you while being there as much as you can be for him. Do not let him strip you of your spirit,, he actually needs it to find his way back if he ever wants to come back to reality.
I always felt it was like if he ( MY H )was drowning and just wanted to hang on to me so as not to fully go under,,, had I not been strong thru the sheer agony of it,, he would have pulled me down with him! My heart is with you and I know your spirit is strong,, you can do this for YOU. What you focus on expands... focus on being the strong , capable, VIBRANT WOMAN GOD blessed you to be. You may not feel it , but you are. Start today...
GOD bless...

I asked the kids to put Dad on the phone when he was dropping them off. He was VERY short with me "WHAT?" He said he was extremely tired and he was going to the apt to nap. I asked if he would call me later - he softened slightly and said yes...

My question here do I push to talk to him - how he is confusing me with his mixed messages (he goes from "He's going to C to work on him beofre he can fix us" to "I just want to file for D" do I start up a R talk or leave it until after the C session on Wed? I got my C session rescheduled for this Thursday too. I just want to give him some things to think about:

* His lashing out will not drive me away...I believe in us and I will not be the one to end us

* He is being mean to me just to push me away

*How come when he's not around me he is still unhappy - he should be pretty sure that it's me causing his unhappiness before he throws me to the curb.

As I type these I already know the responses - I need to not say anything and just give him his space right? Please let me have the 2X4's... I need some expertise here!