Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? What Do I Do Next?

That is a good question. I want my wife to WANT me back. I realize that we each have our own needs that need to be satisfied during the course of our marriage. She has to first WANT me back before we can start things on the right track.

That is a great question. Neediness is such a deal-killer. I thought my W would like that I was making such a fuss over her and it just turned me into a complete wuss. I think that's why being lovingly detached works. The time and space makes them miss us. We have to somehow provide that feeling to them while we're together too. We all need that time and space to be ourselves and feel value in ourselves.

Kausion, sounds like things are going well with you. Glad to hear it.

I feel that when people are needy, they remind of you of car salesmen. It is such a pain to go buy a new care because they harass and beg you to take the care basically. That is how people appear when they are desperate and they are NEEDY. This is an immediate turn off to your spouse. You need to show them that you respect that they need space and that you are not going to pressure them into making a decision if they are not ready right now.

I do agree that the time and space does allow them to miss us. I can totally see a change in the interactions with my W. It seems like she loves me for not pressuring her. I am not home yet, but I am making progress.

See, that is HUGE! Any example you see of WAW's this is always a key factor. Keep it up, seems like things are going well for you!!!

Once you're home, can you get your wife to call my wife and tell her it's OK to let me back in to her life?

Thanks for the support JR. I am going to read the 5 Love Languages and then start applying them immediately. I will start trying to invite W to do things with us and ask about how her day is and how works going. I almost feel like it is time to start taking chances and asking for what I want. Feeling a little nervous!



Sure thing!

Kausion, be careful of what I like to call the "chihuahua effect".

It happens when you see a tiny, tiny bit of positive reinforcement for your efforts.

Think about it.

And be careful.

Cool, I'll hold you to it

I started ready 5 Love Languages and I am going to take a risk when the time is right. I believe my W's languages are Quality time and physical touch. I am going to tell her that I am committed to working on our marriage and ask if she has any suggestions on what I could do to be a better husband. I think I need to put my ring back on. This was a BIG deal to her. She was upset when I didn't wear it golfing. It was not comfortable since I grip the club tight. I think that if I start wearing my ring and speaking her love language, she will see that I am committed to this marriage and not looking outside. This could be the first step towards us growing closer. She also took her ring off about a week after I took mine off. What do you think?

Got a message from W last night.

"Hey, can you have D3 @ my house by 11 tomorrow? Thanks + hope your having fun. Tell her I said I luv her. Have a Good nite!"

I wrote back an hour later and said, "Thanks and yes". I wanted to be brief and not verbose. I arrived this morning and told her about how the event sucked that we went to and that we never went inside.

I then left. As I was leaving, her uncle drove by and honked and waved at me. I waved back happily. I forgot that W just had her hair done yesterday...Oops! I didn't say anything about it. Oh well, she wasn't dressed and she probably would have saw my compliment as not being sincere since she wasn't dressed.

As I started in my above post, I want to ask W to start working on M, but I am not looking forward to a no answer. I know that if that happens, I'll just need to say, okay, no problem and then get outta dodge! I feel like I am in a tough spot. I haven't wore my ring since shortly after separating. I work with ALL women. There are 3 other guys who are married. I am not wearing my ring and women are starting to show an interest in me. They are asking me to lunch, happy hour, etc. What do I do?

W will be out of town with D3 from Thurs through Sunday. I have't asked where she is going. I think they are going to Disneyland or something. I want to talk about R and suggest counseling, but I am nervous! I am worried about what she'll say. I am afraid that if she says something like no, then I will get all pissed off inside. I will ask this request in person and not on the phone so that I can read her face. I am feeling lost what does everyone suggest I do?