Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis MLC thoughts and observations

I don't think it is always a marital problem that brings this on.

My H will be the first one to tell you that we had no problems in our marriage! He has maintained to others and me that the marriage was good, no problems, and it had nothing to do with me at all.

You have to remember that if there is OW involved, many times, she knows how to prey on them, and eventually goes for the jugular and has them trapped into thinking OW is the love of their life when in reality they are not.

My H's OW like all others, lacks morals or why would they continue to break up families? H is not out of the woods on this but OW are generally pretty selfish and lack self esteem and only think about themselves. OW has never played a part in our kids lives and in the three years they have been seeing each other, not once has she ever met our kids and she never will.

That is beside the point right now but it just is not about something that may have been lacking in a marriage.

I believe something in their brain triggers this behavior, and it builds and builds. Most of the MLCers are people who would have never dreamt of doing what they are doing or have done.

I was not trying to say that in all cases it is marital problems. I was only trying to say that every situation is different.

I am not sure what mine situation is right now. I am trying to grasp at anything and everything to explain why this happened and try to make it work.

I know we both loved each other. We had some minor issues that I think are at the heart of the situation. When we fought we did not have healthy fights. But I thought everything was fine, I guess now I have to reasses that.

I am not trying to minimize anything. I just think that everyone has a different situation that may seem the same as everyone elses. But I can see where all of the situations that I have mentioned would have somewhat of the same situation.

I also do agree with you in ragards to the op. In my case my H is living with OW in Parents house only 1 month after getting together with her. Now what does that say for your and the values she is teaching her d8. What else does that say for her parents and the values the instilled in her?


mimi

I just wanted to endorse Steelersfan's commentthat it is not always a marital problem that brings this on.

Like her husband, my wife was bragging to friends,6 months before the bomb, that we had a strong marriage, (22 years at that time).

Now, well I have a wife like FIB's, will not talk to me, will not ring me, will not communicate with me, and everything is a secret.

There are no values or morals.

My H was living with OW at her married daughter's house and there were two grandkids around at all times. I think they were around age 4-5. Now they went and got their own place.

I have always maintained that when things are done out of cheating, deceit and lies, it will not last.

And what is even more strange is that my H still says our marriage was good and when he was asked why he went out and got a girlfriend, he said he did not know. Then he was asked why he even had one and he still said he did not know.

This questioning was not by me, it was from his probation officer. She and I were talking one day about her psych. training and she told me that he is a tough one because he does not give out information you have to pry it out of him a little at a time.

She wanted to know about his childhood and it took her two months to get a little info.

Livingontheedge

These are the sad stories, that pull at my heart strings.

Bless you my friend. Bless your x too, may she find God one day.

Amy,
I just don't think that anything shared on an internet site, where there is a sense of security behind the computer screen that we can take anything for the gospel except the gospel! We all bring our experiences with us, and we can not expect everyone to have the same view as we do.
I respect and cherish all who post and what they post. I just have to understand the are coming from their perspective.

Case in point: my sister in law is BIL second wife. She was not involved in the breakup of BIL first marriage. In a strong catholic family this was hard to swallow for MIL and FIL. Well SIL had a long hard road to acceptance with this family.
Now she is the one, with high morals and a strong faith, and wanting to keep me as a member of the family, to tell me that eventually TJ's family will accept her. She is a nice person, etc.......
She is projecting her experiences on this situation. I have to see and recognize this perspective for what it is, and it may not be 100 fact. My other SIL conflicts these stories.
So I do not take all said on these sites as clear vision, only a viewpoint.
I am sorry if I offended you. I meant no harm. Holly

Braveheart--

I've really enjoyed this discussion. I've never posted before--merely a lurker in the darkness--but I can identify with what you write. I think that bitterness is natural: I think that pessimism is natural. Just as the love and hope and passion--and passionate opinions--of all the posters who've replied to you are natural. It's all human, and it's all right and just and good. Your post doesn't discourage me, even though I'm new here and looking for inspiration. Part of me will always be a realist. I think that bringing up children without help keeps me real. I, also, am a little doubtful of MLC as a specific psychological state. The damage done by an affair, by a spouse obsessed with another, ranting, inventing a tale of an endlessly wretched marriage, and neglecting his/her children, is simply incalculable. My heart is always with those who put their children first. We all have different ways of protecting our children. You have done it your way, and my blessings go out to you.

I was not saying that it is always marital issues that bring this on. I was simply stating that I feel that there could be other reasons than MLC. I thought we had a great marriage but I as I look back I see some minor things that came to grate on us and we never did anything. I am not sure if it is a result of the anger phase and me getting frustrated feeding into the arguements. But I do know that we did have some issues that could have been worked on before.

Even before this happened I thought he felt the same. Especially because of an email that I just found from him. This email was from 2 days before he "snapped"(his word).

I have to say that I read all of the literature on Mid life crisis on this site. I could swear that he fits the bill. I just to not know if I should label him as this without knowing for sure. I do not want to find excuses for his behavior. Which at first when I found this information I thought I had found my answers. I believe that he is confused and not sure of what he wants. But I am not sure why?

Again, I am not saying that it is not MLC. I am just unsure. I am trying to figure out if I should sit by and wait and hope or if I should move on. I need a resolution. But I want to make sure of the real resolution. I know that you all are going to say that I can not expect that.

We are going to start Family therapy next week (my H and I). At least he is willing to go to that. He also seemed somewhat receptive to the conversation we had today. I know I can not make him come back, but I do know that I can make him think about things.

I did not mean to diminish anybodys idea of MLC because I am still using it as a possibility.

mimi

A lot of their problems stem from childhood issues, not necessarily something that you did/didn't do in a marriage. I have found out a lot since all of this happened and my H had a lot of childhood issues which are still unresolved.