Guys, I NEVER said Divorce WAS the end, I clearly said in my post that it CAN work out! LOL I merely said that the odds were greatly AGAINST it. As you pointed out in your post, the majority of 1st marriages end in divorce and the number is significantly higher in 2nd, 3rd, and so forth marriages. There are marriages that get restored, people can and do get back together, the chances of which are low however. That is all that I was trying to point out! If you want to stand, FANTASTIC! Good luck and God's speed to you!! Be prepared however for it to not work out, that is all I was trying to point out! Again, I am not being negative, just realistic. I have too many statistics and data that back up what I am saying.
I have too many statistics and data that back up what I am saying.
from where? sometimes stats are skewered.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Braveheart, I know what the odds are...I knew going in to my marriage and I did it anyway...I am not going to let a bunch of numbers sway me...
If it ends, it ends, I will accept that as God's will and look for meaning in that and accept a new life...think positive but prepare for the negative...
V
Aug '06: H moved out July '08: H had a kid with the OW May 12 '09: emancipation day
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
Funny thing about statistics, you can read them 2 ways.
If you know me you will know how hard this is for me to say. I want the best for everyone here. So here it goes.
Statisticly, if I want to be in that smaller than desirable statistical pool of restored marriages, I would be happy for the filing of D that you and others will do. If you give up on your marriage, and relationship, or you spouse never returns, then I have a better chance of restoring MY marriage. I have done everything I can to be in that % of restored marriages, and early signs are good that H could be a returning spouse, before of after D. 12% of D end up remarrying. 40% of separations will not become D. I will take those odds, thank you very much.
Now for some easy truth. If I fail to restore my marriage, and others here can restore their marriage I will rejoice for them. I will know that I have done what is right and good. I will know I have and will complete my personal legend. I will be happy. I just know myself to know that if I do not take this journey, I will never be able to embrace whatever my future happiness will be.
Thanks for listening. I do see your point. But I am an optimist, and I am going to be happy beyond belief one day. Holly
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
Sweetehart used to think I was Braveheart! That would be anatomy shock
GOsh I have a love-hate relationship with so many of your posts. I usually disagree with you, but love your insight and different views. If everyone agreed, we wouldn't stretch ourselves, think about other views and strengthen or change our own views.
And I also love thyat when you start one of your posts like this one you seem open and welcome rather than hostile. You want to spark conversation--and that is always a good thing.
I sometimes read what you write and go No No that's not right. Or Ugh..negativity (worried that newbies will lose sight of Hope). But then again, I'm such a polarity in that a counter balance is needed.
I don't have a lot of time now...my broken foot is supposed to be elevated, but I will start with a few things that I will continue later.
Like Lisset et al, I too think you are negative--but i don't think it is your intention either. I just think that your reality is negative--glass half empty sort of thing. And I must admit to wondering about Lisset's bitterness comment. I don't know if you are biter...but it's natural to wonder I think.
Sure you have some stats--generallly the divorce rate is above 50%. But should it be? MY personal view is that a lot of those marriages didn't need to end in divorce...but that isn't something that can be supported with statistics; it's a what if sort of thing.
I sadi something last week that I am sorry, but wasn't explained well. Can't recall the thread, but I said something about the overwhelming majority of those who reconcile do not post because they are working ont heir marriages.
What I failed to make clear was my sarcasm in the statement. The term overwhelming was, for me, a quote or mirror from the thread owner when he talked about the overwhelming majority who do not reconcile--or something like that. I shouls have italicized the word and explained myself better. I was not trying to say literally that an overwhelming majority reconcile--it would have been cleared if spoken probably. I think that the Oldtimer's who still post are those that didn't reconcile though...and many that did reconcile do not post because they are woring on their marriages. There are no stats; it's all just thoughts. And if there were...well the DB forum is a small microcosm...skewed anyway.
And maybe some of what I disagree with you on isn't really disagreement...but a concern for what I see as your pessimism. I don't want scared newbies to be infected and give up without an effort. Yes, they may divorce, but they need strength. And isn't it supposed to be better to work on a current relationship and work out your issues to learn from them rather than simply taking them to the next relationship. I think that is what many do here...they at least take stpes to resolve their own issues and learn how to work through issues before moving to the next person. If they lose hope tooo quickly, they may halt that process. Not sure...just thought of it now.
And as for stats...well, maybe I should save that for a later post. I said something several months ago about my feelings and it may be applicable.
But Braveheart...thank you for always challenging us to think. I know you don't believe in MLC the way many of us do. But I personally have never felt you chastise or belittle us for tour beliefs...and I've never felt you are mean. You promote a safe place for sharing diverse views.
A bit out of my a**, but I believe and like them none the less!
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
I don;t know too many people on the board who have gone through an MLC and tried to regain their spouse AMYC is the only one I know of, and she has worked very hard to regain her marriage, so far with little success. I admire her for doing that, and she is genuinely sorry for everything, but there is just so much damage that is done by this behavior that it is super tough to make amends for the past.
You obviously define "success" a hell of a lot differently than I do, braveheart. In all your "lurking" you apparently didn't spend a lot of time reading the last 5 months worth of my threads. You'd have seen lows so low I didn't think I could rise to their challenges but you'd have also seen major breakthroughs in my relationship with my husband, culminating most recently with an argument during which I stood my ground and ultimately the night ended with my husband laying a liplock on me that curled my toes. Don't use my name or my experience without knowing EXACTLY what you're talking about.
I don't know just what classifies someone as a "veteran" DBer but if I qualify, it is because of the One that sustains me, brings me through circumstances which change me and gives me the courage to believe in ALL that I may not yet see physically but is in existence nevertheless.
Sure, there are some marriages that will not be restored. That is inevitable but I disagree with your reasoning as to why.
I was one of those that DID have someone else. AT FIRST. But I got rid of him and I WAS STILL a mess. My MLC actually GOT WORSE when no one else was involved. I was as far OUT of that marriage as I was OUT of my MIND. Ask ANYONE that knew me then, NONE of them would say I'd have returned. Yet here I am.
I also have the privilege of having been shown exactly HOW I came to be HERE. I always wondered, after the MLC, HOW did I "get back". One night I stood in the dark at my kitchen sink and asked God again "WHO PRAYED ME THROUGH?" I thought maybe my sister, perhaps my Pastor's wife....but no. God revealed to me it was my husband. I saw in my mind a picture of my husband kneeling by our bed one day. I knew based on the surroundings that it was during the beginning of the crisis. I saw him praying and it was as if God TOLD me "That's what saved you. Your husband's prayers. THAT'S what moved Me".
Don't discourage those that stand. Their walk is not your walk. If you can not lift people up and give them hope while they struggle to find their own way and their own answers, I don't really know why you'd still come here, except to keep tally marks which lead to THIS type of irresponsible post. I am sure your idea is that people get stuck and you're just trying to help them to move along, yet delivering a discouraging post such as yours on a board such as this can be devastating to some people and you have no way of knowing what someone in that situation what might do.
I almost feel as if you look at us, the people on this board, with pity and to that I ask, how dare you?
By your own admission, you're a quitter.
The majority of us here are cut from a different cloth.
Amy, I have to chuckle at your pluck, by jove you do have that! What I love best about you is that you see yourself so clearly. Go ahead and paint yourself in a better light. You are a shining star!
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
