Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy W at Home, Yet Sleeps Elsewhere

Matilda,
Thanks for the confidence boosting. The party is not until next Saturday. I will let you know how it goes.

I hope you read the book. I'm finding it empowering.

I'll post again in a day or two and let you know how the week went with my W. I sure could use some help making sense of things!

CL

What has her esponse been when you have said "You are my wife. Where were you last night?"

If you haven't asked this, you SHOULD!

I think you've ALREADY taken far more of a "stand" and far more sh&t than you should have. She is sleeping elsewhere?? WTF?? If my wife did not come home ONE night, I'd give her hell, same her for me. Are you a couple or not? Are you a TEAM or not? ASK her WTF is going on.

[/quote]
My struggle now is to determine how much connection do I allow, and how much distance do I maintain? It seems that even though there is likely an OP, [/quote]

Likely?? ASK HER. If it is, do the one legged-hop while booting her ass out the door.


[/quote]it seems that maintaining some positive connection will in the long run, be a determining factor in moving the R into Piecing.[/quote]

I disagree. To me, "it seems that she is F5cking you around, big time. Step outside your sitch. If I saw you on the street and said, "Hey Jim, my wife is only sleeping at home 3 nights out of 30. What do you think is going on?" What would you say?? 27 nights at even $60/night is 1620/month on Hotel rooms. Does she have that kind of cash to blow?? If not, she is with someone else......and has not told you..so, why would you WANT her back??


I would ask you this. Are you a good person?? Have you tried your best? Do you feel you deserve better??


.


.


Then GET better!

Meant to ask if you and your wife have discussed the party.

Alaska,
It sounds like you have a "zero tolerance" policy when it comes to a spouse having an affair. It sounds like your initial approach is an ultimatum. There is no taking a stand for you.

I think there is a place for ultimatums. I don't think this behavior should be tolerated indefinitely. I have to pursue a D, when I've lost hope that the situation can improve. I'm not there yet.

You're focusing solely on her sleeping elsewhere behavior. I'm looking at it from a larger perspective. I understand in a general sense what she's been going thru: her depression, her MLC, her childhood issues, her personality, her stressors, her maladaptive patterns, her trying to find happiness. It doesn't mean that I approve of the behavior; I just don't focus exclusively on it.

Am I a good person? Yes. Have I tried my best? Not yet. It's a work in progress, and I'm getting better at increasing my personal power. I will reevaluate the situation in one year. Do I feel I deserve better? I know that there are no perfect marriages or perfect people. This isn't completely about me.

Thanks for your viewpoint, but I'm going to stay the course.

CL

Matilda and Friends,
I wanted to update you on my situation. Here's what happened this week.

My W calls me daily. The tone is pleasant. The conversations are pleasant.

One of the phone calls involved her needing support with her fear of changing jobs. I know her procrastination and avoidance patterns. I gave her advice which I felt she could follow to help her feel more powerful and move forward to a more appropriate work environment.

We went out to dinner last night. I put on my listening hat and listened to her current adventures. She has been invited to participate in a dance competition with one of the better salsa dancers in town. I think this is a wonderful opportunity for her to increase confidence. She has my support with this.

She asked me to go with her to a family outing on Sunday. I usually say yes immediately, but asked for some time to think about it. I will likely say yes, and give her at least a day's notice.

I believe the LBS has to use the positives already in place in the R. I believe one can be detached, yet still maintain a positive connection to the spouse.

She wants to put more effort in decorating and cleaning the house. She has neglected this for some time--I think due to depression. I will also support this, and participate. Home ownership can be a way for a couple to connect. As I said, utilize the positives already present.

It's confusing to participate in these seemingly positive interactions, yet she chooses to sleep elsewhere 2-3X per week.

Is there anything I should be doing differently, or better, or stay the course?

CL

Friends,
I went to my usual Friday night dance venue. It used to be a respite from my W, but now she's been showing-up these past two weeks. I guess I'm getting some early practice for the party next week!

It gives me an opportunity to work on detachment in social settings. It's going to take some practice. She's seemed interested in mainly dancing with the two best guy dancers there, and wasn't available for me. She doesn't acknowledge my presence in social settings. It's hard watching her have fun and laugh with other guys, when we don't have that at this time.

I decided that I would stay my usual two hours, even though I felt like sneaking out of there, an hour early. I took the opportunity to have a conversation with acquaintances I know. I am an excellent listener, and can allow a person to talk at length about topics of interest.

I did leave feeling like I was proactive in initiating conversations, danced with the ladies when they needed a partner, and asked a young lady to dance who was new to the venue. I think I did OK. Hopefully, I can get to a point where I'm not as affected by her actions. For now, I have to tolerate the discomfort.

I didn't ask my W to dance, as she was out on the floor mainly with the two better guy dancers. If she's looking for a partner, I will glady dance with her, but she looked busy tonight.

CL

Do you have any idea why she comes now? Did you talk at all during the evening? Was she a GW afterwards?

Back when you separated --did you live separately? Did you discuss working on your marriage after the separation? Just trying to understand.

In my case H was open and honest. I knew exactly how he felt and where he was and who he was with. I wonder which is worse--knowing everything or knowing nothing????? We actually talked more during that time!

Matilda

Matilda,
Yes, she was out all night--third time this week.

She has returned to the Friday night venue because her favorite dance partner has been coming. Her second favorite dance partner already goes there. I'm competent with the fundamentals, but don't yet have the skill level to do a "wow" kind of dance. She wants to be challenged.

When we were separated, she lived in Florida. I'm in Ohio. I prematurely contacted an attorney, and had separation papers drafted. I was moving-on. She came back for a visit to help me with what turned-out to be a medical false alarm. She decided to move-back and give the R another chance.

I recall that she seemed to go into a depression. She didn't work for long periods of time. She lived in front of the computer. I knew something had to change. When she asked me to join her for a dance lesson, I went. This was the start of her dancing hobby, that has since blossomed for her.

The sexual issues reemerged--low frequency (she has higher drive and is less inhibited than I am). I went back to a therapist. It was always framed by her, that I was the one with intimacy issues. She failed to acknowledge any contribution to the problem.

It was a stressful time, trying to keep things afloat on my salary. Bills were paid, with little left over. However, I kept going to dance lessons, to create different kinds of positive connections in the R, and for my own personal growth.

I purchased some sexual videos last fall, with the hopes of improving our sex life. We began to have sex on a more frequent basis. She still wasn't happy, saying that the quality needed to be better. The GW/sleeping elsewhere behavior began.

I can't see any benefit of knowing the details of her secret life. I understand the basic dynamics. I just need to know if it's occurring or not. The evidence presumes that an A is occurring. I don't know to what extent it's EA vs. PA but it's irrlevant.

What's important is that at some point the exit needs to be closed (or we need to move on), and she needs to work on her problems--finding enjoyable work that pays for the type of lifestyle she wants, quitting smoking to prevent health problems, doing activities that promote confidence and personal growth, and stopping maladaptive behaviors that serve as avoidance. She also needs IMO to have realistic expectations of what a M can provide, and be grateful for the joys and positives it already does provide.

I will continue with my GAL activities, which target areas I need to work on (social connection, cultivating friendships, enjoyable hobbies). My R goals are 1) to listen and be present for joint activities, and 2)to practice positive communication. Physical and sexual intimacy goals will have to wait.

I'm working on moving from pain to power. I'm doing the right things, but now I need to infuse my thoughts/words/actions with confidence. This is part of the detachment process. I need to break the codependency I relied upon for safety, in the M. I'm hovering somewhere in the middle on the "pain to power" spectrum. It's time to be a better version of independence, than I was prior to M.

CL

More questions The above quotes stand out to me.

Did you try JOINT counseling? If not, would she??? It obviously is not JUST YOU. I think it's hard to be intimate with someone who disappears 3 nights a week. Also, if she expresses dissatisfaction it's also difficult to want to try again....why would you if you only expect another rejection? Can you empower her in some way to teach you what she likes????? She should be able to help the quality and not just blame you!!!!

I don't mean to get too personal. Just trying to understand.
M