Journalizing again I am slightly exasperated today. I went to see my counselor, last night and it turned out to be more of a secondary introductory session, with only about 5-10 minutes actually talking about anything to do with my sitch.
Last night, I was having some bad dreams about our R. It made me think again whether or not I should really try to be aware of what W is doing. I don't feel a need so much as to spy, rather to protect my emotional state, should I begin to trust again, and reinvest fully into the relationship.
IS 49 W 47 S 21 D 19 S 16 M 24y Together 31y EA Mar04-May 06 PA Feb06-Jun06 EA May07 Bomb Dec 28 07
Footfalls echo in the memory, down the passage which we did not take, towards the door we never opened Into the rose-garden. T. S. Eliot
I know what you mean about protecting your mental state. You want to know if they are still involved, but you don't necessarily want to know when and what is going on. The OWH used to call me and tell me when they were together and it tore me up. He would call late at night and then I couldn't sleep. I knew it was going on, I just didn't want details. I got where I would turn the ringer off of the phone so I wouldn't hear the phone.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
... The OWH used to call me and tell me when they were together and it tore me up. He would call late at night and then I couldn't sleep....
That's rough, he was probably viewing you as part of his possible support network, or someone to talk to. Us guys, often do not have a social support system or friends who we can discuss this kind of issue with.
That is my task, to rebuild friendships, build a social network. I am shy by nature, so it's going to be very difficult.
IS 49 W 47 S 21 D 19 S 16 M 24y Together 31y EA Mar04-May 06 PA Feb06-Jun06 EA May07 Bomb Dec 28 07
Footfalls echo in the memory, down the passage which we did not take, towards the door we never opened Into the rose-garden. T. S. Eliot
IS, It is hard to build a social network. I have several friends, but they are all married. They all have been supportful, but I hate to take them away from their families.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
It is hard. I too was a happily married man. Went to work, supported my family and was happy to be home at night. Sometimes you need to force yourself to GAL. I have not been doing it very long but once I’m out of the house its ok. Go to some event that interests you. A car show, art show anywhere that has something that people are just standing around looking at stuff heck even a flea market. I’m kind of shy to but it’s easy to start a conversation with someone standing next to you by saying “ I really like that color blue” (of course there better be something blue you are looking at). It opens the door for follow up conversation. I look at forcing myself to go out like when I was taking my son to baseball practice. He would be in the middle of a video game and not want to go. I would drag him there and once he got started he didn’t want to leave.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I am trying to develop a mindset here, where I will "force" myself to make new friends, this coming week. I am also going to try and present a much more positive front, less sad, more personable.
As much as we are all in very tough situations, there are people who are far worse off.
A real nice young man of 25 years, who worked on our job site died of a heart attack 2 weeks ago. He was a very conscientious hard worker.
My nephew has MD he is 10 years old, they expect in 2 -4 years he will pass away. I have been working on a fund raising idea for MDA or the local children's hospital, so I am going to go forward with that.
I am very happy with my life and what I have. I would wish that through counseling, my W will find that being an honorable committed partner who is willing to share a life together monogamously, is what she wants as well.
My committment to myself is to continue to improve myself, while being true to my values and expectations. To learn to make new friends, and to continue to enjoy the important things in life.
I have begun to come to terms with what D means financially to us and me. Devastating, but life presents all sorts of challenges.
I am ready to make this a positive week.
IS 49 W 47 S 21 D 19 S 16 M 24y Together 31y EA Mar04-May 06 PA Feb06-Jun06 EA May07 Bomb Dec 28 07
Footfalls echo in the memory, down the passage which we did not take, towards the door we never opened Into the rose-garden. T. S. Eliot
IS and Husband, I do give thanks to God everyday for the many blessings I have in my life. As heartbroken as we are there are so many that are less fortunate.
It is so nice to have the support that we get from each other on here. I can't tell the "normal" people the things I journal on here. Many think I should give up already. They would think I was crazy and whiny!
You know before all of this happened I never thought I would stand for all of this if it happened to me. It's sad to realize how much the marriage means to you until you are in danger of losing it. I sure tell my friends now not to take their marriages for granted. I wish someone had told me that, although I should have been smart enough to figure it out on my own.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
