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My H is coming home on Friday, after being away almost 2 weeks. He has kept in constant touch with me, but I am, strangely, a bit nervous. I have been quite happy on my own. He told me today that the company he works for wants him to do another 2 week stint (including a weekend), and I told him that that was not what the company promised (usually with these kinds of projects, the consultant would fly in on the Sunday, work 10 hour days from Monday to Thursday, and then go home for the weekend). I also said that if he was going to be away for weeks at a time, then I may as well be single. What is the point in having a family if he doesn't see them? Anyway, he said he would tell them that he was not happy doing that. However, why should he even have to ask me ... this should be a no-brainer ... just tell the company he wasn't interested in staying over weekends. I think the company didn't have anyone else to send to the project which is in Wisconsin, to where the airfares are pretty high coming from where we live, and now they want to save some money. It's their problem, IMHO. They were supposed to send him to a project in San Diego, or San Antonio in CA, and flights to there are far cheaper. Oh well! I said the final decision is his to make.

In other news ... my sister has arrived from our country of origin, and is staying with my nieces in the city we lived in before this one (it's a 12 hour drive to get there). I chatted to her on the phone today, and it was really nice. We have had our ups and downs over the years, mostly I think due to our 9 year age difference. She is older than me, and tended to be on the bossy side, even when I was grown-up. So, I kinda withdrew a lot because it was starting to be toxic to me, being talked down to all the time. We finally had a huge fight where I told her I am not a child anymore, and that I wasn't always going to agree with everything she says just because she was my older sister. She was extremely offended. Then we immigrated to Canada a few years later, and she came to visit, and we were able to clear the air. I guess we just needed some distance and time.

So, that's my journalling for the day. Oh, and what I am specifically grateful for today, is the sunshine. We had an awesome day today (actually the last week).

Hey BeingMe,

I think it's important to remember that no man is a mind reader and that it is counterproductive to expect him to just know what to do without asking. IMO, it's a positive that if he was considering taking the job, he consulted with you prior to accepting it. He may have just needed validation that his feelings were right/wrong about it.

That said, I understand the desire to have a man whose priorities are such that the question would never have come up in the first place.

I have a friend who quotes her counselor as saying that we are most often paired with the mate who will help us experience the greatest growth in this life...I guess ours come with a little Miracle Grow included?

Have a great day!

Good point, Aud!

Most me focus on the problem on hand and push the rest out of site mentally. Until you throw it back up on the table, those things pushed of are still out of site. That doesn't mean those things off the table are not important, just not apart of the immediate problem. Especially with my way of approaching things, you can come up to me and ask me a question about something. From first response you would think that I have completely forgotten about what it was you were talking about. Once my mind brings it back up and processes it I can tell you things about it in ad-nausium detail. That's how most technical analytical minds work, store it out in the peripheral till you need it, then bring it up.

Do you need to tell him/remind him, yep, if it's important to you. In other words, unless you do, it will remain "unprocessed". IMHO

Bump

I get what you're saying, Phoenix. However, my H is not into communicating things with me .... I think he just doesn't think to keep me in the loop about anything (just doesn't seem to occur to him), despite my discussing many times this issue with him, such as the following:

1. The business he was trying to get going (things come out of left field for me, for instance, I did not know he had ordered 5 restored scooter, imported, and customs refused them entry even though all the paper work is correct and all they say is they can't find the numbers on the scooter, and now we have lost more than $5,000 ... he knows that I have been saying to move with caution, so he knew if he had told me, I would've said to order 2 at a time. He knows my feelings on this, and now we are that much more in debt).

2. Our financial affairs, so I worry that we're more in debt than I think (as far as I know, we're doing okay, but in light of the scooter debacle, I wonder if he is hiding stuff from me. He certainly never lets me know how our taxes are being dealt with ... I have to always ask if the stuff has been sent to the accountant, and how is that going. And, my taxes is linked to his through the business because I do some work for him sometimes).

3. There are other minor things that I won't go into.

Now, with all this cr*p, plus the problems he has been having getting the NAFTA visa to work in the States (which he got, but when he went through Immigration at the airport on Monday, they told him he had to bring in all his papers AGAIN, and that they have made a note on the computer, and we are so worried they will refuse him entry, and we have family in the states, and can't not have access, and now I'm wondering if this d*mned job is worth all the hassle, since he can't come home until they have sorted out the visa). There is a scarcity of people in the USA for the work he does, and yet every time he goes through this particular border crossing, he gets hassled with them doubting his educational credentials for the job (and his company has written letters, he has his education documents, his resume, etc.). I told him that perhaps he should just do projects in Canada. On Monday he was held back, missed his flight, finally was able to go through, but could only get a flight that got him to Milwaukee at about 4.00am the next morning, so he didn't get any sleep, and had to work a 10 hour day on Tuesday. He is sounding depressed because so much negative stuff is happening at the same time. He even told me he wishes he could just jump off a building. That really got me upset. How dare he even think this, when he is the one mostly responsible for all this ... if he could've just shared with me, told me what's happening, communicated, then half these things wouldn't have happened, or at least he would've been able to bounce ideas around before making final decisions, and the stress would've been halved. Isn't that what M is all about ... sharing the good and the bad?

I am sorry for the long vent, but I am just sick and tired of having things piled onto me, after the fact. Then, he will say, "but I told you", when he didn't, or he would tell me things if I specifically ask, but by then it's too late. I guess, there is no point in arguing with him ... he is always right. I know his motives for wanting to get a business started is pure, and I know he wanted this job in the USA, so that we could save for our retirement, and have a better lifestyle (although our lifestyle is pretty good as it is ... I sure didn't have any complaints). I don't doubt that he wants the best for his family. But, dammit, I need to be kept in the loop because it's my life too, and I need to know what is happening. I feel like I'm living my life blindfolded.

I am feeling right now, that I don't want to be M anymore. I want to be independent, where I can make my own decisions that affect my life, and my D14's life, and not have to constantly be worrying what my H might be doing. This will also relieve his stress of trying to do all kinds of things because he has a family to take care of, and not have to concern himself with communicating with me. I don't want to be the cause of him doing something stupid. I am getting that feeling of panic again, and I don't like it.

Thanks for reading my vent, if you got this far. I guess I just needed to get that off my chest before I get to the point of a full-blown panic attack. I am at a bit of a standstill, and not sure what to do. I can't really talk to my H about all this, since I don't want to add to his stress more than I have to.

Ugh!!!!! Just have to remember that this too will pass, and nothing lasts forever. I just have to be positive, know that all will be well, if we have courage, don't respond to fear, and just take one thing at a time.

On the plus side ... we had a really awesome time when he was home this last weekend. So, it's not all doom and gloom. I just wish I were single and running my own life, and we were just dating. Oh well ... can't have everything.

Being Me, sorry you're in one of those down loops on the rollercoaster. The nice thing about feelings is that they come and then they go! But, it is certainly difficult to feel you are being acted upon rather than doing the acting! Is there anything you can do to feel more in control of these situations? Even just a little thing.
Also just wondering if you were able to pick up the book I mentioned. I'm interested in your thoughts on it if you have.
Hang in there, it's a new day!!!

Hi WII! Thanks for your comments. I have checked the book out on the website, and this is what Michele Weiner-Davis said, "If you've ever told your spouse, 'I talk until I'm blue in the face,' or 'It's in one ear and out the other,' stop whatever you're doing and read this book immediately! You're about to discover why talking things out isn't always the best way to get through to your spouse or achieve more closeness and connection. More important, you'll learn exactly what you need to do today to truly transform your relationship forever."

I am definitely going to buy it. I just have a few other books to get through, but I may put this one on the top of the pile.

You know, it's not our R I want to talk about though ... it's the stuff that deals with finances, and decisions about our future, planning, etc. (he does discuss things like taking a job, if it means he has to travel, and I have always been supportive in his career, so seldom am negative about a desire he may have about any particular career move, even if it meant we had to move, although this time I said he should do whatever he wants, but I will not move again).

I want an equal vote in my M when it comes to these things, and I am starting to get really annoyed that my H doesn't 'get it'. I may have to just assert myself, and take over, if he is going to continue to ignore my desire to be included. It would be nice to be able to discuss the problems of our R (such as ML), but I've given up on that, and will just see how it plays out.

Am I expecting too much? I feel like time is running out for my H, and my feet are getting itchy, and heading for the door. And, I just don't know what more I can do. The only control I seem to have is my attitude, plus I have tried really hard to be understanding especially since the business thing didn't work out. I seldom express my thoughts to my H, but rather come here to vent, so we don't fight.

Okay, long post again, and I am getting tired of even thinking about this. I think that's why I just want to run, but I have to also think about my D14, so I have to give it more time. Patience, patience, patience!!!!!

Being Me, what can you do to take control? I would suggest you stop telling him you want to be involved and present a plan that would MAKE you involved. I remember my W complaining that she felt like an outsider in the family because all she did was work and yell at the kids. I said that I would be glad to turn over any chore/duty she felt she'd like to do e.g. pay the bills and she responded "I don't actually want to do any of these things, I'm talking about feelings here" Yup, I was being the man and looking for a solution ultra quickly and passing over the feeling part. I imagine your Hubby is a bit the same, so unless you take action and tell him how you want to be involved, he will just carry on as is. So how might you "assert yourself and take control"? You can't wait for him to "get it", that's more of the same. What can you do that is different now?

Your comments about how I could take control has got me thinking a lot these past few days, WII. My H is not home this weekend, and not sure when he will be. I have decided that when he does come home, I am going to sit him down, and present him with my financial plans for our future. Dammit! I'll even put it on Powerpoint, with pics and graphs and even a little joke or two (I'm very good at designing and creating Powerpoint presentations).

You know, it's just so irritating when I think of the amount of husbands on this bb who wished their wives had come to them when they felt there was a problem. How they would've then done something about it. But, now I wonder if they would've because men seem to have such different communication styles. IOW, they just don't hear us women, despite the fact that we are opening our mouths, and voicing our concerns over and over, sometimes loudly, sometimes quietly, sometimes in a bitchy way, sometimes whiney, sometimes with clear, calm and desperate intent. Yet, we are not heard, not taken seriously. Maybe if it were written down in point form? I dunno!? I can just see myself leaving, and my H saying, "but, why didn't you say something?" My H often used to say that he can't be a mind-reader, that I should say what's on my mind, but I think that he thinks I should be the d*mn mind-reader, because he says nothing about what's on his mind. I should just somehow use esp or check the star charts to know what is going on. AAAGGGHHH! I am slowly going insane! Why can't men just say what's on their minds? Just spit it out! He can whine about it, bitch about it, or be calm about it .... just speak! Jeez louise!!!!!!!

Okay, vent over! I will now serenely go about my solitary business. (Actually, I am enjoying the alone time, although I do see the kids from time to time ... S20 is working this afternoon, and D14 is going to the movies with friends, but we had breakfast together, so that was nice.)

In the meantime, I have been doing a lot of chatting to D26 who is currently driving up to St. Louis with her H (who is in his own car). They are moving to Illinois from Florida, but staying with the in-laws in St. L until they can find a house. Thank goodness for my awesome children.

Y'all have a good weekend!