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Hey Nic,
How are you today?
Love,
A

Nic,

It stinks to be in the spin cycle. Oh, is'nt that prescious, he does have feelings afterall! You can hold his hand if you want my sweet Nicola, but you better keep your other hand on your wallet. That's more than a problem, it's a lie Nic. It's a lie that Satan keeps putting in your head. Try this: Whenever you pass by a mirror, look at yourself and say "I love You, I'm blessed, and I'm beautiful and I rebuke satan in the name of J.C."! Also, consider what your kid's might say about what you have to offer. In there eye's, YOU are the world.

Love,

COG

COG ~

I love how you always cut right through the BS! You are so right about the wallet.

Althea ~

I've been thinking about what you wrote, although not a lot. I've actually kept myself busy today with gardening, so that's been good for me.

But you're right that this man is/was not good for me. I am still living in the land of "what if?" which is my natural tendency. I tend to live in the future, rather than the present. I see the potential; I see what could be. Now, in a R with someone who is learning and growing along with me, I think that can be a good thing. It is a quality that helps me in my teaching and as a mother. But it is not helpful when I am looking at someone who does not want to change, who is happy the way he is. Or at least, not unhappy enough to change it.



These are such wise words, and yet I am unable to follow through on this, although I see that it makes sense. I do indeed feel like a failure for not being able to "keep" my husband. I feel like a failure for not being albe to keep my family together. Now he is with someone else and is happy, so it's not that he wanted to be alone. It was ME that he didn't want to be with.

Why would I stand? What am I hoping for? I am hoping that he will somehow become the man I know he could be. In some ways, he has changed (for the better). He is more of a family man, albeit with his new "wife" at his side. He comes home earlier from work and is a part of her family; I wish he would be a part of mine.

Althea, I am so afraid of never finding anyone else. I like the good things about being married, but I don't know how I will ever trust again. I dread the idea of starting over. I am scared that once a man gets to know me, he won't want me and I will have to go through this again. I can't do that - I can't go through this again.

I want to love and be loved; I just want to feel cherished and special and valuable. I don't think I'm ever going to have that. Maybe holding on to this M is a way of not having to face those fears - as long as I hold onto it, I don't have to date or try to meet someone else. I know that I could let him go and NOT do any of that, but I also know that it's unrealistic for me to say I'll never want a R/M again.

Why is this so hard? I so wish I could just turn off my feelings. I so wish that I could get to the other side. THat reminds me...

Patty ~

You are right about a lot of what you said. I was not continuously molested, but I was raped as a young child (stranger). I also grew up with emotional and verbal abuse, and some physical, though that was more directed at my brother.

It was VERY hard for me to really trust my husband and open up to him. I was afraid that once he really go to know me, he would leave. And you know what? That's what happened. Once I finally told him everything, he walked out. Probably a coincidence, or maybe not - because when I did tell him, I was in a crisis and he couldn't deal with it.

So the idea of starting out again with someone new is very frightening, and I really don't know if I will be able to do it. I fear that I will just end up lonely and alone.

Nic-

((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

Oh, I so can relate to worrying that you will never be loved or love again. Right now it seems to me that my children's father has happily adjusted into someone else's life as well. Then other times, I think that it just looks that way. We will never really know because they would never, ever really tell us otherwise unless they snapped out of LaLaLand.

I can relate also because I am petrified at the thought of becoming involved with someone. Because of my children and their well being and also for my own fear of starting over and getting adjusted to someone else and their habits and needs, etc. It just seems like too much. But then again, being alone for the next several years is too much to ask also (I am still in my thirties).

So, six in one hand and half dozen in another. The truth of the matter is these are our decisions and only we will know what the right thing to do and when to do it actually is.

So, I said all of that to say this to you. Fears are okay, they help us grow. It is okay to feel afraid and unsure. It is a natural process in this mess. When you are ready to move on, you will know it instinctively. It it almost transparent when it happens.

In the meantime, take good care of you. You are a wonderful person, this is just a bump in the road.

*Ever*

Sweet Nic,

Obviously your fears run deep, and for good reason. While I don't have the same history as you, I do understand what it is like not to trust. My mother was abused as a child also so I have a pretty intimate look into the fear and distrust that instills in a person. BUt we have all changed SO much as we have gotten older and wiser. Any new relationship is going to be so different because we are more aware, we are looking for different things and we have learned from our mistakes.

I know you fear not ever finding someone else--I think we all go through that--but when you think about it that fear is irrational and has no basis in reality. You must find a way to visualize what you want instead of what you fear. The fact is most people DO remarry and when there is no history of infidelity and all that crap that our WAS's have to deal with, 2nd marriages are very often better than first.

I went to a party this weekend and met some great people. A lot of them were on their second marriages and they were happy! They are doing things together--sharing common interests, loving life. Why should you, or I be any different? These are people who had children with someone else and their new marriages adapted to the new family. It's not the worst thing that can happen. In many cases, these are people that were borderline abused in their first marriages and went on to find something they never imagined possible--true and satisfying mutual love.

Meeting people like this gives me renewed hope that I will find someone. It will undoubtedly take a long time to find Mr. Right, but it will be worth the wait.

Nicola, you know how much I adored Mitch. Everyone who knew me knew how much I adored him. He was my world. I never imagined we wouldn't be together forever. He was a great love for me, and for that I am greatful. I was lucky to experience a deep love. But when he left I felt as you do--that I was the one who failed because the one person who knew me the best in the world decided I wasn't good enough to stay with. I felt so dispached and disposed and unwanted and unloved--worse, unlovable.

That's what you are feeling and I must tell you--it is a falacy. You are dead wrong and you are letting your fears tell you lies. You and I both have H's who are narcisists. They require a relationship that is a complimentary mirror--you were his mirror and what he needed to see reflected back to him is "I'm a great guy, a stud, a wonderful father, blah, blah, blah." We did that for a while--I know I did (Mitch needed to see reflected "you're a brilliant scholar, a genius who's going places...) I kind of idolized Mitch and marveled at his intellect and well roundedness. For many years, I complimented him and boosted his ego. But eventually I saw him for the mortal he was. And while I still loved and adored him, I stopped being his false "complimentary" reflection and it was exactly then that he turned away. It took years for the estrangement to be complete and for him to find someone who would reflect back to him what he wants to see, but there was nothing that I could do at that point. I loved him for who he was, not for who he wasn't and I couldn't be dishonest in my marriage.

YOu have said that your H turned away when your daughter was born. Precicely the same thing happened to you that happened to me. YOur focus turned from him to her and he didn't like not being the center of your universe. As you began to see him for the man he was and reflect that reality back to him, he began his withdrawal. This is not about you or your inadequacies Nicola...this is about your husband's inability to extend himself in a real and meaningful way to the people who care about him. This is not something that will change because it is deep within his character. YOur "what if" scenario cannot exist because you did have children, you did grow up and see him as a mere mortal and not a god, you did get real. he just couldn't take it. You believe that he could be someone else but who he was pre-children is actually the same guy he was post children--the problem is that he couldn't adjust to how family life took the focus away from him.

Why do you think so many of these guys go for younger women? The young women don't know any better. They haven't lived enough or seen enough men like this enough to know the warning signals. Most of these men are charming and so at first OF COURSE all seems honkey dorey. But you know what Nicola? Your H has SO much more baggage going into this next relationship than he had with you. There are so many more things, unpleasant things, that will slowly emerge and that his girlfriend will slowly begin to see. Like us, she will be in denial for a while. She will let infatuation blind her to the red flags she has popping up in her head, but eventually the veil will be lifted, his humanness will surface, and there will be no turning back at that point and she will stop reflecting back to him the image of the good guy, he great father and the stud and he will turn away from her as well. Because Nicola, as he has told you himself, he is not capable of real love and he cannot stand it if someone does not see him the way he wants to be seen.

Here's a link I found that tells you how to spot a "healthy man" and I think you will see that your H, as well as my H, are not "healthy" men.

Shopping list for a healthy man

Nicola, do not let your fears run your life--they will take over if you let them. YOu are totally in control of that and while I realize it must be harder in your case because of the terrible trauma you have endured, it is not impossible. Someone once told me not to make decisions based on fear--they will always be the wrong decision.

My mother had the same experience you did--not a stranger though, her grandfather (scuz bag--I'd like to kill him if he weren't already dead). Because of her bad experience as a child, she chose very poorly for a husband and she remained in an abusive marriage for 40 years (to my dad) because she was simply too scared to make a change. 5 years ago she FINALLY left my father and is happier than she has even been in her life. Of course she would like to know love (she has never experienced it) but she has gotten to the point where she is simply happy to be free and independent. She has her own circle of friends, a job that she loves, a sport that she is totally passionate about (she's a rower/skuller), a house of her own which she keeps just how she likes it...life is good when you dare to go out of your comfort zone.

Right now that's what you need to aim for. Not for anothe man in your life, but for freedom from fear. Once you conquer that demon, love, and LIFE will follow.

Nicola, I know people and I have known you on these boards for a year and a half. YOu are an amazingly strong woman and you don't even realize just how strong you are. YOu have helped people, you have been a voice of power and strength for many, you have shown people the way by example and you have SHINED. So don't sell yourself short, you are wonderful and believe you me, and I guarantee, there's a man or three just waiting for someone like you. To him, you will be perfect--flaws and all.

XOXOXO
Althea

Nicola,
Wow, Althea has really laid it all out there for you. Now it is up to you.
Fear has no place in our life unless you focus on it. You have to get rid of the negative thoughts that were ingrained in you and start thinking who Nicola is and what Nicola has accomplished and yes what Nicola deserves. If you believe it, it will come and you will know it once you are face-to-face with what it is you want.

Althea
Great post. I, too believe that Nicola's H and so many of our Hs are in denial and fooling themselves. They will realize that happiness does not come from someone or something but comes from within.

Our H's don't like themselves so they feel unworthy of us. If one does not love themselves enough then how can they give love to someone else when there is none within them to give.

I've seen it tooooooo many times over and over again where the WAS does come to regret their decision; only in a few cases, was the decision the right one. Whether they come to regret it or not should not matter to us because we will focus on us and what we want. Whether we end up with them or someone else is not known right now but what we do know is that MR. RIGHT will be.

Nicola,
It was great talking to you tonight. You sound better and I know you WILL be fine because you ARE worthy, you ARE beautiful, you ARE wise, you ARE lovable and you WILL be happy again because you deserve it.

Much love to you,
ISLH

Your post really hit home Nic. You are reading my mind. My feelings of failure, my feelings of fear. What can be if only they would try.

Just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your emotions. I too wish there was an on/off switch.

A few things:

No, he did not reject YOU as a person, he rejected his life with you. He grew and you grew and as things changed, he changed. He is still a good man but he is no longer right for you. That is no reflection on you as a person. I have been reading you long enough to know what kind of person you are.

He does not feel he NEEDS to change. That is what is so sad. They do not realize what is going on or what could be if they only worked with us. They are chasing a dream and we are just not part of it.

They ARE happy. That is also sad. I read too often here that these folks are not really happy and will fall flat. That is nice to think to protect ourselves but the reality is they are happy in the moment. How can they not be - it is all about them and their dream. And so should we be happy and happy for them.

You will love again. Take it to the bank. I read it in your words. You have no choice. The hurdle for you and I (and many others here) is to open our hearts. That is the difficult part, to trust and be vulnerable. But if we are willing to open our hearts for our stbx why not to others? We need to accept that our stbx is no longer right for us. In many ways piecing is more difficult than starting over; if we are ready for piecing we are strong enough to start new.

You are strong enough. Take it to the bank.

There's no way that this many people can be wrong. We all see the strength and your light. You ARE the stained glass window that shines in the dark.

(((((Nicola)))))

Nicola, your thread, as usual, spawns great insight to what many of us are starting to focus upon....what is a healthy R?

I loved what everyone wrote, and it sums up to this point....

You and your H have different versions, standards and expectations of M, R and mutual growth.

I know your H is coming home early and being more of a father. But, even if he did just those things for you, it still would not be enough. Not because you are demanding and needy, rather because your H would STILL be lacking the true qualities for a fulfilling partner. If he still has issues of being stuck on himself, he is not suddenly a more giving person. He is rather with someone who is OK with who he is.

That is not to say that she will like this man for a long time, either. Or she may, and your H fits HER version of a R and happiness within that.

Your H cannot give you what you need in a R/M. You can either lower your standards and be unhappy, unfulfilled and low self-esteem.....or find that within and perhaps in someone else again.

I definately feel for your thoughts of "will I find love again." I went through that early this year, and even expressed those feelings to H. I told him my greatest fear was that I could not love like I loved him.

Since then, I have let that go without even trying. I see now that I loved H, very much, but I think that I can do that again. And, perhaps with someone more healthy, compatible, and find a deeper love....more than the superficial, passionate, crazy love. It was deep in areas, but when tough times came, here I am.

day by day my sweet Nicola.