Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE W moving out & says that it's permanent - Part 3

I'm only "wondering" why ... not "having to know" why. It's different.

You are right it is different and it is a positive step for you.

That said, it is still pointless to wonder why. Even if you figure out the first why you'll never really get to the 5th why (or root cause) so why waste your time and energy? Don't even THINK about asking her why. Even if she tried to answer, she probably does not consciously know the REAL answer anyway.

Her emotions and thinking may be all over the place. One minute she may think about coming home to you and the next minute she may resolve that it is over for sure. THAT is exactly why you cannot and should not use her immediate reactions to judge if you are doing well or not. You need to develop that feeling for yourself.

Be a Rock.

Good Luck

Sooooo??? Did you set up dinner last night? What was her response? Assuming that dinner didn't happen, what are you doing for yourself this weekend and what's the next step??

I don't mean to be harsh about the "wondering" but more wanted to explain that it is a waste of time and energy.

Hello Everyone! It's been a while since I've posted here, but I wanted to update everyone and also to ask for some advice.

The short version is that I'm still continuing counseling while my wife always finds some "good reason" to not go to counseling. (With or without me.) Mentally, I'm doing pretty good at this point. I'm feeling better about myself and know that I've tried to make it work and repair things. I'm still having trouble accepting that it's over and don't want to give up. However, in my state, the way the divorce laws are, if I fight the divorce process it will only be viewed at "further evidence" that the marriage is "irretrievable broken". I really wish there was something more I could do, but there really isn't.

My wife and I have remained "friendly" towards each other so far -- I think we are both trying to be careful to not hurt each other.

In my work I've other prepared contracts and other legal documents. While I'm not a lawyer, I have some experience with the legal system. The courts have prepared a set of documents that can be used to file for divorce. I looks to be remarkably simple. We don't have children and I think we can agree on splitting things up on our own. Basically, it's "fill in the blanks" and check a few boxes and file.... While I don't want to make this "easy" for my wife, it's going to happen. If she gets attorneys involved, then chances are that I'll really get screwed. Plus, I hate attorneys and really hate the thought of making them richer.

Should I fill out the paperwork, with my wife as the "plaintiff" and me as the "defendant" and get this divorce thing done???

Am I crazy???

There is also "Mediation" as an option. But the way I'm understanding mediation, is that it's just there to help you split up the stuff and handle kids, etc. It's not to try to keep the marriage together. Is this correct??? Has anyone had any experience with mediation where the mediator helped keep the marriage from splitting up???

Any other advice or "words of wisdom"???

I really appreciate all the support and help that I've received from this forum and Michele's books have been great. I hope that everyone has better luck than I've had in saving their marriages. It takes two to make a marriage work, but only one to make the divorce. I know that I will be okay and will find happiness and peace in my life.

If you don't want a divorce, don't fill in any paper work. She might never file for divorce. A lot of divorces that are filed never get completed. If she wants the divorce, wait for her to come to you. So far, she seems to "kind of, sort of" want it. Since she hasn't taken any definite steps, you still have hope.

So far, you're not talking about fighting anything. Your wife hasn't filed. There is nothing to fight.

There are a lot of sources for do-it-yourself divorces. Go to a local book store for divorce kits that will explain your state's laws and provide the proper forms and procedures.

Only if you want a divorce. Like I said, I wouldn't fill out any paperwork, unless you can't stand it anymore and want the divorce for yourself. In that case, you make yourself the "plaintiff" and your wife the "defendant". I don't know why you want to make it easier for your wife.

Yes. But I'll cut you some slack this time.

All a mediator does is make an uncontested divorce easier and cheaper. Mediators don't help people stay together. Marriage councilors are supposed to do that. And as long as your wife won't go, you are not in that game.

Amen, brother.

SM

Thanks SolidMechanic! I kind of thought that might be the response I'd get. She won't work on the marriage and she says it's over and wants to proceed with the divorce. I don't want it, but I also don't want it to be any harder on her or on me than it already is. I've come to learn that it's not all my fault, but I also feel responsible too. I want her to be happy and don't want to cause her any more pain, but I don't want to divorce her. If I fight it, it'll just hurt us both more.

I don't want it to be over, but it's not really a marriage any more is it? We don't live together and we don't talk unless it's about paying bills ...

True, she might never file, but she has said if I don't work with her on filling out the paperwork, then she'll get an attorney and do it. She has stated very consistantly that it's over and she will not come back or work on the marriage any more. That she has actually made her mind up last October that it was over. I think she's made her decision....

Now, I can stall and drag my feet, but will it solve anything? Or I can work with her and get it done and move on with life.

My family and friends have been telling me for months to "get on with it". I just can't seem to work up much energy to do it so far, but I'm afraid that the longer it drags out the more likely it will get nasty.

Is it time to give in and move on?? I never planned for this to happen to me .... hind sight is 20/20 .... But I think I've tried everything possible to "fix" things. It just isn't going to work unless she wants to work on it too.

12_51: Offended as I may be at your outrageous desire to keep money out of the pockets of attorneys I think that if you are able to "do it yourself," that's great. Some words of advice -- I agree with SM that, if YOU are ready to move on, you should list yourself as Plaintiff. Listing her as Plaintiff just puts the ball in her court and seems, well, a bit passive-aggressive.

And SM is correct about mediation, too. My W does some divorce mediation and, although she has had a few cases end up with the couple reconciling, it is definitely the exception. Plus, I think she's more willing than most attorneys to say at some point in the session, "so, why is it that you are divorcing? You seem to be getting along better than most married people." Most attorneys are just there to help you work through property division and custody and child support issues.

Good luck to you, and be strong.

Hairdog

Thanks Hairdog.

The reason I want to list her as the the Plaintiff is because I don't want the divorce. If I list myself as the Plaintiff then I'm saying to the courts, "I want a divorce."

The ball is in "her court"... she decided that she wanted a divorce and isn't willing to work on the marriage, why should I take the responsibility of "claiming" the divorce now?

If I prepare the papers and she files them as the plaintiff then it's her choice. She's on record as wanting the divorce.

It's going to happen, but not by my choice!

Pardon me if you've already answered this (and you probably have), but if she wants the D, why are you filing?

I absolutely agree...I don't understand why if SHE is the one wanting the divorce you are the one actually filing and making it easy for her to get one. Doesn't make any sense to me....you are doing the opposite of what you say you want.

Don't let her push/manipulate you into petitioning for the D unless you want to.

For you to file and name her as plaintiff is illogical, counter-intuitive, and makes no sense at all.

If the ball is in her court, then just let it lie there until she does something. Take steps to protect yourself financially. Others here can advise better on that.