I'm no longer doing the "needy" thing... I've really gotten hold of my emotions and am much better in general. I feel stronger and more in control of my life than I've felt in years.
My guess is that she will continue avoiding my parents. I've told them what the problems are, but they still want to talk with her. I don't blame them. During our 15 year relationship, my parents treated her very well and love her like a daughter. Probably even better than my sister.
I've been doing really good lately. Much better. At times I'm happy. Today is hard for some reason. I just want to call my wife and talk with her. See her and snuggle on the sofa. Just enjoy being with her. All the things I took for granted.
Why do I feel this way today? I thought the rollercoaster rides had stoped.
I hate to ask this question, because I'm down today, but is it normal to be questioning myself? Wondering if I'm doing the right thing. My wife has said it's over, and most of my family and friends has said it's over too. That I should move on. I don't want to move on! I want my wife back! But am I being realistic? When she first left she said that the chance of her returning was 25%. Has that gone up or down?
I've really gotten hold of my emotions and am much better in general. I feel stronger and more in control of my life than I've felt in years.
Good. Keep it up. Why did you not feel in control of your life before? What do you plan on doing to make sure it doesnt happen again?
I'll just hang in there and keep positive.
being positive is good, but 'just hanging in there' is not proactive. It can look alot like 'doing nothing.'
I just want to call my wife and talk with her. See her and snuggle on the sofa. Just enjoy being with her. All the things I took for granted.
(the followig applies to 12_51) So tell her. Next time you see her, or she contacts you, mention it. " I was thinking about you the other day and ......"
Is snuggling really all you wanted to do? Your wife was SS for how long? How affectionate were you before? Was it just sex or was she touch/affection starved by you too?
"Ok, 'just hanging in there' is not proactive. What do you sugguest I do to be proactive?" I just gave you an idea in the previous post. I want you to think about being proactive, in a strong non needy way, and see if you can come up with a way to make it part of who you are. That means the possibility of rejection, no the certainty of rejetion is there, but it does not affect your decisions on expressing what you want. Taking action to get what you want.
Your welcome to run your ideas by us. Playing Cyrano de Bergerac never works out for the intended.
Snuggling isn't all I wanted to do. I didnt think so. Maybe you were just to shy to be 'graphic' with us, (really we dont mind) or maybe its hard for you to express yourself in this way. Which may part of the reason, she isnt there. So feel free to push out of your comfort zone, in regards to this. Euphemisms, are a nice safe cushion to hide behind. Try something a little more direct and assertive. It can start with snuggling, but where does it lead to? What is a 180 for you in this area of expressing what you want sexually?
Yes, I would like to have kids. But, most important is having my wife back.
I think a woman would be better suited to addressing this.
I didnt catch whether your W was affection/touch starved as well...
Ok, I think I understand you. But, I was thinking that telling her I that I was thinking about having sex with her would be equal to say the "I love you" phrase. I understood not to keep saying the ILY's because it just reminds her that she "no longer loves me."
If I were to tell her that I wanted to have sex, I think she would probably reject me and say something to the effect of "you never wanted to in the past -- too little, too late."
However, I can see value in telling her even if she does reject me. How should I act if I am rejected? I can handle the rejection without being needy or acting hurt.
One of the things she has said is that she didn't want to "date me". So, I really haven't given much thought into 180's in the area of expressing what I want sexually. I'm just trying to get her to have lunch or dinner with me.
As far as sex/affection/touch starved ... yes all of the above. I grew up in a family where affection, touch, sex, etc just didn't get talked about much less expressed. Her family is just the opposite. Also, I've had my testosterone tested again since separation. Doc says it's in the normal range, but on the very low end of the scale. He's given me a prescription. I have told my wife about this. Trying to be proactive.
So, now I'm ready and wanting, but she's not there. I thought if I could get her in the sack once more, it could really go a long way to healing the relationship.
If I were to tell her that I wanted to have sex, I think she would probably reject me and say something to the effect of "you never wanted to in the past -- too little, too late."
So what if she does say that, it doesn't mean that your stating that you wanted/want to have sex with her is invalid. She very likely will make a statement like that, to which you reply back "I know but now all I can think about is having a family with YOU."...or something to that effect. Of course if you don't honestly want children, don't make that statement. Speaking for my own perspective though if having children is important for her and you know that, you need to let her know it's important for you too...to have them with HER.
Just to satisfy my curiosity and perhaps to benefit future participants on this BB I want to ask you a question. If your wife had approached you before she was already psychologically out the door and said "I am going to leave unless you agree to have sex with me X times a week, work consistently with me towards the goal of having a child and engage in affectionate touch on a regular basis." what would your reaction have been? Or to put it another way- At what point did you clue in to the fact that this was a serious problem that you were willing to work on solving? Did she have to be out the door or would just the real threat of her leaving have been enough for you to take action?
I guess I'm asking because my tendency at this point would be to offer any HDW the advice that what she should do is clearly state what she wants then leave home for a week, check into a local hotel (drop the kiddies at grandmas as necessary)and inform her H that she will be found in the hotel bar each evening if he wants to agree to her terms, otherwise she will be making new friends and planning on filing at the end of the week.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
You've got a good question. I'll try to answer you.
My wife didn't do that, but she did state last October that she was unhappy and wanted a divorce. We agreed that I would go to counseling ASAP. I did. Was put on Lexapro and begin seeing a counselor weekly. I was very depressed at the time and we worked on that first. Then we did couple's counseling. My wife said on several occasions that things were going well. She also said that "there was nothing I could say in counseling that would cause her to leave me." The end of March/first of April something happened in counseling. Something I said that caused her to "realize" that there was nothing I could do. She said that she had really already made up her mind last October. (I don't know that she's being truthful about this.) Also, the first week in January in went to my MD for him to test my testosterone and a regular physical. He said it was in the "normal" range. He prescribed Wellbutrin for me also. After we separated in April I had another appointment with my MD and questioned him in detail about the testosterone level. He said that it was 340. The normal scale is 300 to 1000. So I was on the low side. He prescribed AndroGEL (testosterone gel).
I would like to think that when I realized just how unhappy she was that I did take action. I really was trying in counseling. I wish now that our counselor had focused more on the sex issue.
Ok, I may not have answered your exact question. I don't think she would do exactly what you've described, but if she did I would probably be angry at first, but would quickly do whatever I could to be the one at the bar for her every night. But, I am answering your question after reading the SSM book and having the "benefit" of these past 7-8 weeks. I don't guess I really didn't understood the problem fully until I read the SSM book.
One other thing... since my wife left she is still wearing her wedding ring and says that she is not seeing anyone or having sex with any one. All evidence also shows that she's not seeing anyone. So if sex was her only drive she would have found someone by now and/or she would be pushing to finalize everything with the divorce so she could freely see someone.
Please let me know if I haven't answered your question.
