Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Why do these things happen

We all have our demons. I broke trust with my wife over several things that I just didn't tell her about. Then when I did, it broke her heart. I never lied to her, I just kept things from her, which was just as bad.

These things are a BIG reason she's having trouble trusting me, or wanting to learn to trust me again.

I thought I was protecting her from pain, I was protecting myself from embarassment and I should have told her so she could HELP me! And she would have, if I had been forthcoming at a better time in our lives. Sad reality, important lesson learned, I'm dedicated to doing better for myself and my relationships in the future.

Oh, and I got your last line in your post in my last thread

Well I am not sure if I ever broke her trust in this matter. There was just some things I had never told her, or in fact told nobody in my life until just recently, she happened to be the first. But then again, I suppose it could be seen as a trust issue for never telling her about it, guess I never thought about it in that way.

I on the other hand was protecting myself from the pain "drinking" and I do not believe so much in that I was saving her from my pain, even though I probably was, I was more saving myself from the precieved embarrasment that I have been holding onto more than half my life.

Hey Lin

Well JR I ended up calling DB this morning at 8:30am and had my first consultation at 10. That is damn fast I must say. I also had Jodi. I thought she was great, she also for the most part considered how I have been handling it has been the correct way. She also gave me a few more pointers to work on which was awesome. The other thing she did was try to give me some thoughts on what the W may have been thinking, doing, and why. She did get the "rest" of the story, and then turned it around on me on why it may have come to this, and it was not what I really thought, I hope she is right. With the way she put it, I had never really thought about taking the whole thing in as one big picture, I was stuck on one thing at a time and not seeing how it was for me, but for W it was one major event all tied together.

I'm glad you liked her. She's very nice, and I think, very perceptive.

As for the trust thing, not sharing with your W can be seen as a breaking of trust. I NEVER LIED to my wife, but I didn't tell her everything unless she happened to ask. She asked about some embarassing things right about the time our M was falling apart and these things served as the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, I think. I mean just days before this discussion we were on a cruise enjoying a good time. You should see the pictures, she was super happy and so was I. Then I told her some things when she happened to ask and it was all done but the bombing.

I'm not sure how to get the trust back other than being completely forthright with her. And now I can't talk to her, so it's damn near impossible.

Anyway, I hope your W understands why you did what you did. I hope mine does too, and I hope they both believe in repentance and forgiveness.

I am still wondering if I should post what it is here, It is annonymous, and I am thinking it actually may help someone else here. Whether it is that person or someone thinking of leaving.
aarrrgggghhhh, I just dunno yet

JR the other thing that kind of made me happy/hopefull in talking to Jodi, she actually thinks in our case being seperated is a good thing in this situation, it did make me feel a bit better about the circumstances now.

Don't sweat it unless you think it will help YOU. You told Jodi, she's working through it with you, leave it at that.

We're cool just knowing you're working hard to save your marriage like the rest of us.

She said the same thing to me, and it's TRUE! Know why? If I had been able to see and talk to my W this whole time, I would never have taken such a hard look at myself and I would not have had a chance (as slim as it may appear right now.) I would be D'd already. I would have been all over her asking her to take me back, groveling, whatever - all the unmanly stuff we try at the beginning of these adventures (yeah, that's what I'm calling it now )

HHmmm ADVENTURE, that could be a goo way of looking at the situation.