Choc, The affection would not have worked for me. Confrontation would not have worked with me. What did work for me? Feeling that my H was emotionally abandoning me. All the while, I had a foot out the door, not realizing that he had a foot and a half out. That's what woke me up.
She knew that. That didn't work. Whoever came up with "He who cares the least, wins" never met the fetching Mrs. Choc.
Gots t' know? I remember that scene. And Harry calmly cocked the gun, pointed it at the perp's head and pulled the trigger. Great. Now the guy knows, and he has the added bonus of an uncomfortable lump in the back of his now-soaked underwear.
However, at least there was a way of knowing the "answer" for him. The only way you can knowing the answer is to contact Doc and get in the DeLorean. Make sure you hit 86mph. See? This is a largely worthless expenditure of mental and emotional energy. You can't go back in time and try it the other way.
Oh...but maybe you have a surplus of mental and emotional energy. Yeah, that sounds likely since you haven't eaten since April and you're dealing with a philandering spouse, and you're staying up late looking through your keylogger files and her text messages, and you're trying to figure out your finances, and your daughter's watch cost WAY too much, and the OM is one ugly mofo, and I need to post on the ssm board, and....
Choc - focus on the task at hand. Be the hero of your family. Super Choc.
I hate to be nitpicky, Hairdog, but it was "88 miles per hour!!!" Yes, I've seen the BTTF movies WAY too many times...
Choc,
I think you did exactly what you needed to do and exactly what was required. Things had gone too far for any other plan of action. Try not to second guess yourself.
If you can get Mrs.Choc to go forward with MC, you've taken a huge step forward. I'm so happy that cac has agreed to do this. I am afraid of going through the process, but I believe it is the only way to get through to the other side.
Whoever came up with "He who cares the least, wins" never met the fetching Mrs. Choc.
Choc. "He who cares the least, does the least work" or "He who cares the least, limits the progress.
Choc, BB and one of her friends talked about not liking to go to the store on peak days, so they ask their H to go(me included) I said” what is wrong with going to the store on peak days when you drive by doing something else?”
The answer was they "don't feel like it," which I heard as they want things "easy." I asked if their roof needed shingles and it was 95f would they wait till it cooled off before they called a roofer. Of course they wouldn’t wait for it to cool off. The roof needed fixing and it was too important to wait. I didn’t want an answer that they should wait. I wanted an answer that things get done regardless of not wanting to do some things.
I see some of the R's presented on the forum as one person wanting things their way or wanting things given to them. That is why I said earlier going the "nice route" with Mrs. Choc might not work.
Some of the differences that cause R problems are mostly differences, and not due to laziness.
I 2nd Lil's comment to stop 2nd guessing yourself on this. Also, I think that confrontation WAS necessary in your situation...your W needed the wakeup call...she needed to be snapped back to reality. Without that confrontation there's a good chance she would have continued on in the EA fog of infidelity...still justifying her actions.
Aw, but Choc, you didn't care the least..you were just using that as a coping mechanism. It appears to me that both of you care but you've got to take the time to make lasting changes so that you do not fall back into crappy habits again.
If you find yourself falling into resentment, perhaps you can say to yourself that these changes are not for the benefit of your wife, or your kids--though they will certainly benefit--but for yourself. Being the man that you are clearly capable of is something that you've been shelving for a while. It will take time and practice and diligence for these changes to become second nature to you and your wife is right to wait to see if they are genuine or not. When I was sitting neck-deep in the resentment pot, the ONLY thing that would help me snap out of it was to continually turn that microscope inwards and look at my own behavior.
88 miles per hour, it is. I stand corrected. Still...short of getting a flux capacitor and a way of generating 1.21 jigawatts of electricity, choc is not going to be able to find the answers for which he looks.
It does help me to say "These are things that make me feel good about ME. These are things that will make me feel more attractive, hopefully to my wife, but if not, than eventually someday to someone else. These are things that are simply the right things to do. These are things that are good to model for my children, especially my sons. These are things that will make me a better husband, ex-husband, father, son, brother and friend. A better human being."
I cannot control how she interprets them. I think perhaps what I'm missing is that there will be BUCKETS of opportunities for boundary-settin -- and enforcing -- along the way, that just haven't happened yet. As I set and enforce those (which I always sukked at), I will feel better and better about myself each time.
Right now, she's just been so even-keeled, that there hasn't been any good chance to flex my new "boundary" muscles, like "Honey, that was a really disrespectful thing to say, especially in front of the kids. I don't appreciate it, and this conversation will have to continue in private if you can't control yourself better."
(or whatever)
Guys, I realize I'm looking horribly confused here, and I'm NOT looking for constant validation and rose-throwing. This "journaling" is therapeautic for me, and helps me clarify my thoughts, my fears, my strategies and my tactics.
I just happen to be doing it all in a room full of strangers, and I have no pants on.
