Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Need another opinion, is my W OM, friend or more?

Hey Husband,

"Gidday Mate".

I really don't know how long we should hold out.

At the moment, I am in no hurry, so I will play it by ear.

It is difficult with the kids. My DD7 is feeling the effects, and is so "clingy" to both of us these days.

I found out the other day from a cousin that W has already discussed our divorce with DD (and did not tell me).

W has been extra nice to me over the last two days (after admitting her relationship with OM). Eventhough I pretty much forced her to tell me that they were in one so I could move on (she denied anything other than best friends till the last second). It was similar to an interrogation in a Thai prison, other than the beating out of a confession.

Since then I have "tuned out" and have shown no interest in anything she says or does (only been two days).

I suppose the "extra nice" treatment I have been getting is her way of making herself feel better, and thanking me for taking the guilt away from her "secret" romance. Now it is out in the open, it will be interesting to see how things progress.

Like I have said in earlier posts, my W has been the perfect partner for nearly 16 years (had her moments), so I have to take this into account and stick by her as long as I can. I know MLC is unavoidable, but I do take responsibility for triggering it so severly in her.

I had gone through something similar a few years back, and I reckon it was MLC, but I handled it much better (did not stray, did not alienate family and friends, still loved W etc).

So I don't think you will have to live with it for 8 more years. I know I have used the "slowly slowly catch the monkey" line so often, but I think that is what it will take.

The thing that keeps me going is visualising a better marriage, and happier family, and a better "self", once this is all over. If it takes a while, then so be it. If it doesn't go to plan, then I won't lose any sleep thinking "what if", as I have tried my hardest.

So hang in there Husband.

WAW,

If she wants a divorce, let her do it. I have found that my W was out the door, drafting papers with L etc. That was back in Feb, I have not seen anything since. They talk the talk but most will procrastinate about getting things done.

It is a long process, leave it to her to worry about.

They are both "smitten" at the moment, but do you honestly think that after the "honeymoon" period wears off, that they will still feel the same way (considering the age difference.

I don't know of too many guys in their early 20's that would want to committ with someone so much older than themselves, with baggage. The longer the talks go about a permanent "future" together, the more either of them will get cold feet.

It is the "feeling" that is keeping your W with him. That "feeling" will not keep them together, as it will lessen, then they will have to rely on something else to keep the R going. I don't know of too many things they would have in common to continue their R (due to the age difference). So eventually one of them will feel stale and move on.


Andyv

Thanks a lot for the info re your sitch. It makes me have hope that my W can turn back into the loving woman she used to be instead of the b$$$ she is now.

Re D, I am letting her proceed with all the work. Fortunately she isn't getting a lawyer and wants to have a parallegal handle it. The few times I can talk to her are about the separation, division of assets and the kids. All the while I try to put on a PMA and exude a happy attitude. I even joke about what I can take, like the big screen tv.

I do hope you're right about the honeymoon being over soon. My wife is intelligent and I don't see a college drop-out front desk hotel worker meeting her minimum standards for long. All I know is that he listens and compliments a lot. Other than that I don't know what they will have in common. I'm eager to take her back(but won't show it).

Thanks for the hope. Now I know it is possible for a W to snap out of it!

My W rang today, to ask whether I could give her money to buy a dress for a work function that she had put on layby.

She asked me this around 4 weeks ago and I agreed, that was before her admitting R with OM 3 days ago.

I remember she had put money on the lay-by dress a while ago, around $50-80. The dress is only $200. Today when she asked me, she stated that she needed $200????

I need advice, should I just give her the $200 and leave it, or should I ask for the receipt balance of the lay-by???

Mind U, she has been nicer to me for the last 3 days. DBing would suggest to ignore this R with OM (not 100% sure myself of extent of R) and just keep being considerate. She did succumb to my pressure of an admittance of a R with OM, so that I could move on. She pretty much told me if that was what I wanted to hear for me to move on, then yes, she was having a relationship.

So any advice? I feel that I should just give her the amount. Let her live with the guilt of lying to me again.

Thanks andyv
I too have gotten 14 maybe 15 good years out a her we have been married 16. If she was a car I may have traded her in. But then if we ever sleep together again I would have to get used to someone else’s snoring.
So besides GAL I learned that Australia is the largest island in the world with the most wild camels. Did you know that 4 out of 5 Australians live within 1/2 hour from the coast? And it started out as a penal colony. Ya got any interesting relatives? (Aside from the wife). Watched the Discovery channel last night.

And thanks for the help on my Australian “Gidday Mate". What a dummy I always thought it as good day. Well I got some shrimp in the Barbie so gotta go.

Husband from California home of the no fault divorce.

Tough call. I don't think they have much guilt lying. Just tell her you know it was $200 and you already paid something(see if she tells you how much was put down). Than you'll know if she's lying or not.

I'm glad to hear she's been nice the past 3 days. Build on that by being nice to her and perhaps your R is on its way to recovery.

Best of luck.

Thx WAW,

I think I will just give her the $200 and leave it at that.

I don't think I will mention the other amount. It's just not worth the hassle.

I will be the nice person that I am, like you said, and maybe build something out of nothing re R.

andyv,

I agree I would give her the money. It's hard but you have to try to build trust agian. It's like my son and I going away for the week. I almost canceled the trip because I could not trust my W being alone for a week. But then The only person that would really be hurt would be my son. I CAN NOT CONTROL MY W. I don't want to control her. I want her to stop the R with the OM because SHE wants to be with me and not him.
I think they need to spell thing out mor clearly in the wedding voes. it does say love, honor, and obey. they need to add and not cheat.

Thx Husband,

I don't know what is wrong with me. This morning I asked again about OM.

I let it go for 4 days, after she admitted the R with OM, but I tossed and turned all night about a few details.

All I wanted to know was when did it get serious (after all the denials and just friends excuses). And she got angry and told me that they are starting to see more of each other , and see where it gets. I asked her how did he feel about her and she still says "I don't know".

WTF, if you are talking about seeing more of each other, and are seeing each other several times a week, with txting, phone calls, emails, how wouldn't you know.

It got a bit heated (on her part), when I discussed separating our finances. As her wage goes on the morgage (with a little left for herself), and I pay for everything else, including spending money for her.

If we separate the finances, and I pay half the morgage, half the bills, all of DD after school care fees and groceries, it will still leave W with not much left. She prefers the setup now, but with the revelations of the seriousness of OM, I feel sick and just don't want to think about funding him also (apparently he is careful with his money).

I thought things were going well, but I just find it hard DBing knowing this info (now that it is confirmed).

I am at a loss.

Andyv

My W took the OM to OUR time share for the Affair. I know exactly how your feel. I paid for him to sleep with my wife.
But ya gota let it go. DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE OM TO HER got it? It only hurts your heart and makes her defend him.
Pretend he does not exist. It hard I know I have been ready to give up countless times but I always come back her and someone knock my up along side my head and set me back on track. Be nice to her. The nicer you are the less she will have to talk to him about. HOPEFULLY with you playing nice. The OM will start talking bad about you. Once your W see’s you are sincere she may start defending your actions to the OM she will dump him, come running back to you get on her knees and beg forgiveness. Ok I got a little carried away with the last part. Even though I get discouraged I have noticed that the more I GAL and distance but still show I care. Help out with dishes, fold clothes Ect. She is slooooooooowly doing nice things for me. She at one point didn’t want to be in the same room with me. EVERYTHING I did pissed her off. I didn’t put the pan in the right place. I was home I could have vacuumed the house. Blab blab blab. I have not heard one complaint about me in the last 3 weeks. (It seems like 3 years). It is taking so long because time stops when we are together. But it is nicer now. Stay strong bud. I need ya when I fall off the happy thoughts wagon.

Pop open a cold one and watch the sun set