And I totally get what you mean about the girl he fell in love with. I was 17, too. He was 18. We have 3 children, it can't ever be the way it was. BUT I've thought about this and I was fun then. Recently, never mind my depression, I wasn't D... I was mom. I haven't been Just D in for what seems like forever.
We've been doing date nights. Granted, he's only been gone for 2 1/2 weeks so far, but he's talking about staying away for 1 - 3 months. Anyway, we went bowling last weekend and *I* had fun anyway. This weekend, or for our next date night, whenever that will be, I'm going to suggest put-put golf. We used to do that and it's always good for a few laughs.
You know what's funny, is I feel more pain for what I caused him than the pain he caused me, if that makes sense and mine had an A. Don't get me wrong, it's still very painful, it's just worse when I think about what I put him through. I know this sounds like blame, and I don't think it is. I think it's more me coming to terms with some of the things I did to contribute to this distance.
I love your tag "JustD" - it says so much. And putt-putt sounds like a great time.
My H isn't interested (yet?) in anything that smacks of dates or private intimate times - the only times we are alone is if we are having a "business" meeting for schedule arranging. He seems so paranoid to even hint that we could have fun again...
This morning he had to consider if he had time to spend with S2 while I work from 4 - 8pm since he has a "social engagement." I think when I'm feeling my most narrow-focused - and least self-sufficient -- I am most jealous of his social life that he has because he's living with a bachelor friend while I, who have a great set of married girlfriends, have to either do all of the social arranging or be alone (the marrieds do little socializing outside their own couplehoods). I know I just have to keep calling and arranging, but sometimes it would be nice to have someone care about calling me. <<boo-hoo >>
Seriously, though: How do you GAL when your social world centered around married friends who you knew mainly through H's workplace?
(We live in a tiny town of 9,000 and there are few other options.)
And yet, I know exactly what you mean about feeling guilty. A book I am reading is "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" -- my DB Coach's suggestion. Really interesting, but the more I'm reading, the more I'm realizing what I did to bring us here. I wish I could just tell H "let's just start over together" but I know he doesn't want to hear that...
Boy this is a whiney post. Sorry -- I woke up a bit on the sour side today.
I think what I find most wonderful about this community is that when I'm in a funk or feeling self-pitying, I can post here or read others and just that act helps to bring me up again. There really is something about finding strength in just sharing.
Your comment, JustD, about being more fun when younger got me thinking. I know I prefer who I am now -- I have so many life experiences good and bad that I wouldn't want to either go through again or not have. I also know that the actions I'm working on now to "undo" - as I try to lose co-dependent and anxiety controlling habits -- were created in the innocent blindness of life when I was 17. BUT, I was also more care-free in that blind acceptance of co-dependency and control.
The funny thing is that as I try to GAL and be more fun, it is the younger people I know who hold back. I have been trying to get my own co-workers to go dancing with me, but I've found some resistance. I work with about 8 other women, but all but one are younger than I am and have young families. When I suggested we go dancing, they worried that the bars -- one of the only options for dancing here -- are "too young." I told them I was 10y older than they were and I wasn't worried.
I'll keep working on them, but I can see that most of those around me are in the midst of having their worlds defined by family - and I'm trying to be a single in a couple world. (Ironically, the only group of people I currently know that is single oriented is the group that has "adopted" my H.) Ah well, somehow I'll find someone to go dancing.
That's funny!! Too bad we don't live close to each other. I have been after DH to take line dancing lessons with me for a couple of years. We found a bar that has free line dancing classes on Wednesday nights, but he won't go. I went to a movie by myself yesterday, but there is no way in heck I'm going dancing by myself... LOL!!
See... all our social friends were his friends. He's going to dinner with one couple tomorrow night at their house. It worries me because I'm afraid people will talk him out of our marriage, ya know? What's sad is that during my depression, he tried and tried to get me to go out with him and I always turned him down... thinking I was doing him a favor by giving him so much freedom. After the A, when I did finally go with him... I had SEVERAL people tell me "you really DO exist". Yeah... that's the anger he's dealing with now. I say all our social friends are his because mine are all the married stay at home types and his were the fun ones... married and single.
I know what you mean about the "talking him out of the marriage" feeling. I have had to just let go of my own panic that the "singles" that he is hanging around -- people who I know but who haven't known "us" as a couple as much as the really good friends we have who are trying to be neutral -- are doing the same thing. (The guy whose house he shares had his relationship of 7y break up just a month ago!)
While this sounds like being naive, I am believing H at his word that he's not having an affair and that the people he knows aren't working against our marriage. Even so, in the past months, he has had 'someone' (he won't tell me who) finance a cell phone for him who has said this is a phone to talk to our sons but not me... (I know, it sounds like potential OW) While I may just be playing ostrich, I've decided I'm just not wanting to jump on that rollercoaster of emotions too by questioning what else might be up. I've decided to work on just taking him at face value and if the worst is happening, that he will decide my not responding is enough. I don't know. This is all such murky territory.
Anyway, I go on. I think I need to dance tonight. How long does it take to drive to your place from Iowa?
Okay, I do the same thing. Here's how I think... and it's twisted, I know, but it's still how I think.
I wonder if he's lying to me about tomorrow night and really going out with someone else. He swears there's no one else (and I have not accused), that he was an idiot to cheat in the firs place. (The *&^%$ is married now, so I know it wouldn't be with her.) BUT I still get nervous when he doesn't have a kid with him for the night. And it is taking every.single.ounce.of.my.being to NOT question him about tomorrow night... what I want to say is "you promise there's no one else and you're really going to B's for dinner?" LOL!! Of course there are lots of things I want to say but don't like... do you want to come home?
Maybe we should make plans for next Wednesday... that gives you plenty of time!!
Don't you want to just shake them when they don't understand why we might be anxious and needing reassurance? I want to sit H down and say "we used to be able to talk about things. Let's figure this out together!" but I know that isn't what's really happening here. Still, he acts so reasonable most of the time... he always was a good actor.
Next Wednesday? You got it! Where am I driving to (besides crazy)?
LOL! I love that... whenever the kids ask where we're going, we say "crazy"... LOL!! South Carolina. We don't live near the coast, but we could go dancing Wednesday night and the beach the next day.
Anxious is it exactly. I know he thinks he knows how I'll handle this, so I'm trying to be good. We had good interactions yesterday. It's the small things, right?
Little things -- you got it! Not that long ago I didn't think I'd get so excited about having H take one more minute to talk when dropping off Ss after school. Course, maybe that was part of the problem.
South Carolina sounds lovely. I'll let you know when I'm on the border.
Little things -- you got it! Not that long ago I didn't think I'd get so excited about having H take one more minute to talk when dropping off Ss after school. Course, maybe that was part of the problem.
You and me both! Guess that's that whole remorse thing you were talking about. I know what you mean, I look forward to seeing him each morning and each evening, too. And I get bummed when he doesn't stay... LOL!! I know I shouldn't take it as rejection, but there are times when he leaves and it feels like it is.
I guess I just can't believe that this happened to us.
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