Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Hapinees, is it even possible part II

Cemar,
Lots to say but not enough time. However I will say this...

16) See yourself as his LOVER, not his wife, and not a mother.
17) Put HIM at the center of your life, not the kids, not the job, not ANYTHING else.


...this does not seem sustainable 24/7. I think you can have periods of this but not all the time. It also diminishes every other thing in your W's life because she IS a wife and mother. Why did you marry and have kids with her if you don't want her to be a wife and mother??

I just got sad when I read this because you are missing out on so much by not appreciating your W as a WHOLE person. It kind of seems like you are looking for the porn star fantasy woman. Much like many women are looking for the knight in shining armor.

Can you imagine your W coming to you with a "look how cute the kids were when they did..." story and your response was "Whatever, why don't you just fcuk me like I want you to." If you really are giving off this vibe at home, I can only imagine the resentment that your W has after so many years of feeling like she is never enough for you.

Quick story...on my honeymoon with XH, we had rented a house in the islands with a pool in the living room. I had been saying for months that I can't wait to get there and jump in that pool after all the hub-bub of the wedding and travelling to get there. So, we get there and while he is in the bathroom, I strip naked and jump into the pool. XH comes out of the bathroom and I invite him to join me but he was actually pissed off that I had gone in without him. Here I was skinny dipping asking H to join me and he was pissed off! WTF??? He was very HD and I was too at that point but his issue was that he had to control everything. It didn't happen exactly how he wanted it to, even though he hadn't communicated his wishes to me, so he thought it was nothing. What I'm saying is, if your W is willing, maybe you can see that in a positive way and start connecting from there and work on the desire part as she begins to feel closer to you.

Gotta get to work!

Bear

I didn't say that. I said otherwise excellent. No where did I say he should be anything, satisfied, or not. And I'm sure there are people who can have a completely excellent marriage without that kind of physical desire. Just not you, or the other poster.

Which is why I am at a loss for words.

Your best hope is that she's not really LD, but will, in the words of Schnarch, want sex when it's worth having. If she's really physiologically LD, cemar, then I refer you to my post to LFL on the same subject. You lost your perfect throw, and no matter if you go, or stay, you'll have to live with it.

If, after deciding to weigh those options, you decide that the need for "desire" trumps all else, by all means ... leave.

...this does not seem sustainable 24/7. I think you can have periods of this but not all the time. It also diminishes every other thing in your W's life because she IS a wife and mother. Why did you marry and have kids with her if you don't want her to be a wife and mother??

I just got sad when I read this because you are missing out on so much by not appreciating your W as a WHOLE person. It kind of seems like you are looking for the porn star fantasy woman. Much like many women are looking for the knight in shining armor.


I agree bear.
I was reading this thread, and while everyone has their own needs, seeing the WA SG mentioned and cemars statement that a marriage is for desire... man I couldnt disagree more. Marriage has never been about desire. Its nowhere in the tenants of marriage.

desire is a will-o-the-wisp. Chasing after that will just have you lost and alone in the swamp.
What I find unfortunate is that cemars expectation was that marriage was about desire. How unfortunate for him and his W.

Bear & BF,

I completely agree...there are several items on CeMar's list that I do not view as sustainable, even as an HD woman myself. When I read his list my thought was "if he really expects this he's setting his wife up for failure."

I'll even go so far as to say this as an HD woman myself, if I thought someone EXPECTED this behavior of me that would turn me off, it would be a sexual repellant for me. The expectation is not attractive, it's needy. YUCK!

I agree with GEL, Cemar - your list is too vague. You can't tell someone how to get from point A to point B by saying "turn left, then right, go straight and then turn right again" without putting a little more detail into it, like turn right at 152nd street - get the point?

Blackfoot, while I agree desire isn't the be-all and end-all of a marriage (marriage is much more) I "get" mourning its absence. I would myself. It wouldn't be enough to leave, or break up my family over, but it would be a constant dissonant in the symphony.

What I don't get is this mixture of inertia and complaining that cemar has demonstrated for years now. If you took a post of his from 2003 and pasted it over a post from 2007, it would look exactly the same. He's like a broken record, and it pi$$es me off.

Cemar, you have two ... no make that three ... choices. If you want to see if there's a spark still left in your marriage, post details and let the wise posters here help you. The one thing you have going for you is that your wife used to be HD in the past. You're trying to recover something that got lost, not build a whole new person. That should be easier.

If you think no matter what you'll do, nothing would change, take a hard look at yourself, your wife, and your children, and your life, and figure out what you want to do. Be a man about it. Own it. Do it.

Or you could keep doing what you're doing now. Nothing. Whine about what other people/HD women do and your wife doesn't. Whine about how life and marriage without desire is meaningless. In which case I, sometime in the very near future, may be tempted to bite your head off.

If you want to go with the first option, you might start by picking the two most important items from the list as GEL suggested, and tell us how you have tried to communicate them to your wife, and her response.

Let me know what you want to do.

GEL:

1) Want. To physcially and emotionally need someone in your life. To relate to another person on the deepest levels possible both physically and emotionally.
2) Horny. To become physically arroused by the thought or sight of another person. To be sexually stimulated. To NEED sex or other physcial touch from me.
10) Flirt. Dress up, dress sexy, look good for the spouse, to touch the spouse, to kiss, hold hands, grab his butt, grab his crotch, whisper things into his ear, to be playful with the spouse and not serious, come to bed in nothing, ask him to join in a shower, etc...
11) Sexually adventerous. To be a sexually confident woman, to love your own body, to want to push your self to your limits sexaully.
12) Initiate. Touch your spouse FIRST. Kiss him FIRST. Get into bed and grab him first. Drop is pants and go down on him unexpectedly. Make the first contact physically!

Ok..

Going to take the ones I view as easiest first.

#12 - TELL HER THIS, communicate that these are thingsy you would like of her.

#11 - Being a sexually confident woman and loving your own body does not make one sexually adventurous. You also, have no control over these things within her.

#10 - TELL HER THIS, communicate that these are things you would recognize as attempts from her to be sexual with you.

#2 - You have very limited control in this area, but you can affect it by your own behavior. You've been told countless times how.

#1 - your interpretation of needing someone physically & emotionally is probably not the same as hers, neither is "relating to another person on the deepest level possible".

You continue to project who you want her to be, a female version of yourself...onto her. You refuse to accept who she is NOW as a starting point to build up from.

Now, since you are on a roll for answering questions and responding (and thank you for that).

How about spelling out for us exactly WHAT YOU'VE DONE to address these issues in your marriage.

Specifically what have you tried, what have you said?

I don't know Cemar.
I am very HD and I don't want to do a lot of those things on your list with my H. Desire is a two-way street. And that is part of the problem. If it's not there, it's not there. Sort of like what I was saying regarding the domination/submission stuff on my thread. Yes, people can technically act that out I guess, maybe. But to actually enjoy it is another thing all together. You can't force desire. So I agree with you that it can be Very frustrating. But maybe when it comes to M, as others have stated, that expectation of total desire is just not realistic. You either deal with it in a healthy manner, or live your life angry and resentful, or you get out. Seems like you are choosing option 2. How's that working for you?
LFL

blackfoot:

What is marriage about then?