Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Afterall..... This IS my life IV for heatherg

Hi, LFL.

I hear what you are saying.

I am willing to help in any way I can, small or large.

Thanks for pointing out the distinction.

-NOPkins-

I think that was fearless who pointed it out Nop.

LFL,

I think part of getting to that place where you are willing to stop allowing others to tread on you and dictate how you can be have in a relationship, is that you have to recognize that YOU are a big part of that problem.

If you can honestly recognize that YOU are allowing someone to do this to you, that YOU aren't valuing yourself...THEN you are more likely to make the changes necessary to stop being a doormat. Unfortunately taking that close of a look at yourself is often really painful, it hurts to know that you are directly responsible for a great deal of the pain you endure....even though the other person is dishing it out. It REALLY hurts to know that not only does the other person not value you the way you want them to, but neither do you.

For me, when I recognized that I got downright pissed off at myself...and that's when I began to really step up. That's when I realized "what have I got to lose?

LFL wrote:"I think that was fearless who pointed it out Nop. "

Yep, sorry.

-NOPkins-

Heather

I dont see the problem between you and H as the porn. I see lying as the problem.

you are finally ready to start setting some boundaries with your H. Thats good.
The thing is ususally by the time a woman is ready to start setting boundaries, the way that she implements them is .... unfeminine. I watched 3 women do it here, and a lot more IRL. When her boundaries are acknowledged, her respect is allready gone, and next goes her attraction, because of how she implemented them.
I agree with gottman, (and cobra) that the Wife needs to be able to affect her H. She has to have enough relevance to him, so that she can see he cares for her.

The way your H is, if you set boundaries with ultimatums, you two will ram together. There is no yin/yang in that. It can only lead to shattered defeat. If you want to have your H care for you, your going to have to implement boundaries, with vulnerability. Instead of appearing strong (anger,demands) on the outside, and nursing the wounded bunny inside, (incongruent) your going to have to show the bunny, and be strong on the inside (not letting someone else change who/how you want to be).

Youve become too much like him Heather. You have to dig deep and be who you are.
You cannot TELL him what to do. You wouldnt want to even if you could.

I dont know if your H has an addictive personality or not. It very well may be that he does. Thats part of why I said earlier to you about 'we can only accept and make our choices based on that acceptance.'
Your H is very masculine though. He needs feminine energy to balance him out. That often comes in the form of porn, alcohol, etc. I do not have an addictive personality, (purely thanks to my parents/genetics), but there was a time when my alcohol consumption (not to mention other feminine energies)comparitively made your H's alcohol consumption amounts look like a glass of wine.
Remember, Thats not one of the reasons why x left. It stopped long before. (I say the latter to preempt questions) She left because I froze her out emotionally, and I did that because I wanted a)acceptance, b) her to make a choice. I made every other one, I *shouldnt* have to make ME one them.

BF and all, I'm feeling Heather knows she needs to set the boundaries, but is still SCARED to do this b/c she is SCARED of the unknown, of the "what if it ends," of actually setting those boundaries b/c she isn't truly ready to let go yet.

Heather, I could be wrong here, but I think I've been there and know exactly how you are feeling IF this is how you are feeling.

We have to somehow get to the point where we realize OUR SELF WORTH and that it isn't based on how THEY feel about us or based on our M, but that's not easy. I'm not sure how to get there yet either.

How do we get back to that feisty, don't F w/ me person we were before we married H? How do we get back to that person we were who was happy w/ ourself and could take 'em or leave 'em, but now we are so dependent on the STABILITY we HAD in our M. Lots goes into this --

HEATHER, sweetie, I could be totally putting words in your mouth/emotions in your heart, but this is what I'm sensing as I'm feeling it too, babe.

cadesmom,
I agree with you. Heather does realize. Thats why, if she wants success, the how and intent is important.

I totally agree that she is scared, and she doesnt want it to end. Thats why the incongruent anger and worn out threats of Im leaving need to stop.

Honest admissions, excatly like you mentioned....
'Im afraid you arent going to hear what I need from you. Im afraid that you cant take care of me.... I cant feel that you love me... etc. Appeal to his rescuer. or ram together.

Click! I hear another tumbler falling into place.

A woman can lead, but she won't be attracted to anyone who follows her. She can threaten, but she won't be attracted to anyone who backs down.

She'll be attracted to people who listen to her, and evaluate her input, and use it of their own free will.

So, the porn. He thinks that porn is acceptable and enjoys it. She tries to take it away from him. Just like his mother would. Now if he rolls over and lets her, he could end up without the porn and without getting much in the way of sex, either. Unthinkable! If she threatens him, backing down could be even worse. Better to pretend to back down, to defuse her anger, without actually backing down and making himself weak and unattractive.

So he won't give up the porn until he decides it's not worth doing. If he gives it up purely to please you, you still won't be happy with him.

There's lots of tales on this site of men who only turned their lives around when their wives were ready to leave. Not one of them won his wife back by giving in to her! Several tried giving in to the wife and thereby drove her further away. Every last man that won his wife back did it by taking her valuable insight and using it to make better decisions for himself! He didn't follow her; he learned from her and followed his own judgement that he bettered with her knowledge and thereby became more attractive to her.

Click for me!! Maybe that's where some of my issues are coming from right now as well. H dropped the D bomb and I diffused it. Now I'm ready for him to step up & be the man and allow me to stop feeling like he isn't taking control of our M. ????? Oh, who the h*ll knows.

Heather, good luck on going home & talking to H. Read above & remember it when you get home as to how to talk to H and what to say. Pulling for you!

Thank you so much for giving me some input....I appreciate everyone's posts.

One of the things that really stood out at me as I read the posts was Blackfoot's comments that I have become too much like him. I agree that I need to dig deep and be me and I think I've made progress with that over the last few months. This last outburst was a result of intense hurt, which as you know, turns to anger almost instantaneously and because his response was so unexpected, I lost it in front of him.

I've been journaling a little and here's a summary of how I feel right now:

I think the most important purpose of trying for another year was to give us each time to assess what we want out of our M, to consider what is at stake and decide what we are willing to contribute to a new R. I've really put my heart back out there and I've tried really hard to show H how I feel. I let my hope for our future get out of hand when I saw what I thought was a drastic change on his behalf for the betterment of our M. When I thought he made a change of his own free will based on my feelings (right Eddy?) then I started to feel cared for by him again and I was able to let me feelings flow and start becoming more emotionally invested in our R. My fear about staying for the remainder of the year is that I won't be as emotionally 'out there' because he has damaged my trust with another lie and my disappointment is damn near overwhelming. I'm afraid that we will go back to living in a very strained environment and that is so stressful and hurtful...not very beneficial to a new R to say the least and extremely detrimental to my state of mind and his too I'm sure.
What I've been thinking about telling H:

I'm scared that if I don't give you ultimatums, you won't understand what is at stake and I'm afraid you won't step up the way I need you to. But one of the most important things I've learned is that you need to make your own decisions. I can't forget that is what this year was suppposed to be about. So, I'm not leaving and I'm sorry that I announced we were over. That is a decision we make together, through the choices we make over the remaining part of this year. With that being said, I have no idea where to go from here because I'm very hurt.