Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Well, the Chit's About to Hit the Fan, Folks...

Oh, boy, did the D bomb rev me up!!! Not saying use the D bomb, just agreeing w/ NJ above.

Choc, you gotta settle down. Sit down, relax & THINK -- you have gone from one extreme to the other in ONE DAY. You got to where you guys are at over a period of 5 or 6 YEARS!!

She didn't say that she was moving out; she did say she would go to C. If she does end up saying she wants a separation and wants to move out, you may well be able to deflect that.

But, like NJ said, coming from the other side and what happened to me as the LD W, yes, I woke up and started moving and DOING to make my M a better place to be and it is completely different and BETTER! for all of what happened w/ the D bomb, etc. Did I like it at the time? No. Was it easy to get through? No. But in the long run, it's made our M better. That's what you need to focus on. Getting better. Not necessarily what is happening right this instant at every second. It's going to be a whirlwind now that you have decided to shake things up and get things moving. It's not going to happen overnight.

Keep your head straight so that YOU are in control of YOU and the sitch and the going's on !!

Hey, Chrome, you reading any of this?

Choc:

Dr. Doobson has a book and articles on "Love must be Tough". Essentially, I think he trys to convey that the spouse that has been cheated on must be willing to make it clear that life goes on and that you will not be begging her to do anything. Essentially, you must become tough. He has a speech even that you can give to her, making it clear that you will survive just fine without her but at the same time you will not break your own boundries. In other words, you must set her free. This may allow her to come back on her own, or it may allow her to leave for good. But do not allow her to see you in any weakened state!!!!

Hi, Choc.

Were you needy/grabby/desparate when you first courted your wife? No.

If you think she looks beautiful, then tell her. If you think she looks awful and her breath stinks because she has the flu, then don't tell her anything about the way she looks.

If you think she looks beautiful and you are going to tell her but you think you are going to bawl like a baby, then keep it to yourself.

Treat her like you care about her. That doesn't automatically mean that you are being needy/grabby/desperate. That means that you care about her.

Stop playing a game.

Here is what you are doing.

You are putting your best face forward to win your wife's heart back, just like when you were dating. That's okay, you happen to be married to her.

You are shunning any wayward behavior, including the affair.

You are refusing to be disrespected by enabling the attention of another man toward your wife. That doesn't mean you can control her. It DOES mean that you don't have to condone it.

Call her if you feel like it, but don't wear your heart on your sleeve if she is less than civil or seems uncaring. Call her if you feel like it and you can do it without her response affecting you.

Send her flowers on occasion if you want to and you can handle her seeming indifference.

Treat her the way you would want to be treated but don't expect it in return.

Your wife is currently buried away in her waywardness and the resulting confusion. Do not expect normal reactions from her. If you can treat her well regardless of that, then do so.

Be constant in your love for her.

Be patient when she is difficult.

Quote: "P.S. I've also been told to "do what it was that attracted to her to begin with" . . . but I attracted her to begin with by being romantic, mushy, epathetic, romantic, caring, and totally UNlike the creep she was engaged to at the time!"

Then be romantic, caring and empathetic with her. I bet that is what the other man is doing. That is why I wanted you to watch their interactions weeks ago.

Figure out where you fit in what I have written to you, then wear it like a jacket. Let that jacket be the constancy you present to your wife, day in, day out.

How's that?

-NOPkins-

" I've pretty much already been doing without getting most of my physical and emotional needs met, so the fact that we're even talking is gravy to me at this point."

Come on, Choco. There goes PA Choc. You aren't the victim here. Your M is. And you and your W are both the perpetrators.


Maybe if I shift your perspective you will see better about pursuing out of desperation and not out of clean emotion.

You have not had sex with your W in 3 years. She is a moddy cloud of resentment. One day a young hottie sales girl at your office starts connecting with you over lunch.

She's fun. She has all sorts of ideas as to how to change your diet to feel better. And she's a phenom in the sales commissions. She pays a lot of flattering attention to you.

Your W suddenly wakes up after 3 years and realizes she wants more from your M. She starts suspecting you may be involved to some degree with young sales girl from your office, juding from her key logger and your texts.

One day a colorful gift box with your favorite cologne pops up and is sitting on your desk. Of course the sales girl sees it and asks who it's from.

"Phyllis." Sorry, Choc. you need a laugh ya big lug. /:/)

Anyway, how are you going to feel the more and more your W starts cooing to you, buying you tokens, and wanting to talk about how you both need to talk about improving your R? Being super duper nice when last week she was an A-1 grouch to you?

You're gonna get a little creeped out by her sudden change, then scared that if you have already crossed the line to some degree with sales girl she will find out and you can't have evidence staring you in the face via maybe inappropriate text messages to indict your guilty conscience.

Then at some point you are going to see your W's sudden desire to pursue you only once she feels threatened by sales girl and you are going to get angry.

You would feel angry that your W is interested in you, shown by her neglect of you for years, only when she has a very real chance of losing you.

And, like your W's current frame, through all of this you feel it is because of you that your W has been so unhappy all these years.

That's why neediness and pursuing with the usual love fare comes off as last ditch manipulation and not from a pure place.

Choc, you HAVE to start with you. Improve yourself in every area of your life. And do it for you, not W.

I would suggest you start by giving your W loving smiles when you come home or run into her out and about. I'm sure you did this every time you saw her when you first started dating, no?

Physiologically, smiles have been shown to actually chemically elevate mood in the person smiling.

Start here. Baby steps. Pursue making yourself into da man.

And, yes, by all means, cry in the shower. I did. Convuslive types. And I'm not ashamed to admit that. And I did more than I ever imagined.

-Stigmata-

But that's just it, Cadesmom -- I don't FEEL like I'm in control, and so far, I'm not. I've given her too much of the power, and tomorrow at lunch, I need to take it back.

I think that once I get some sleep, and get my brain around this difference between "courting" and "needy/grabby/pleading" thing, I can start to become more tactical.

That's it: I understand the strategy, but don't understand the tactics nor even have enough undertanding about these dynamics to DEVELOP some good tactics.

The strategy is to make myself more attractive to my wife (thru strength and leading), while protecting my family and my own interests, and clearly communicating -- and enforcing -- those boundaries with her.

The tactics I'll use are . . . . what????

I don't know about the "control" thing -- whether you had it, have it, your W has it, etc. I think you are feeling a tremendous amount of insecurity all of a sudden. All of a sudden you realize you want your M and your W back and maybe that's not going to happen. Now you are scared AND you are thinking too much!!!

The emails were good and now you are thinking too much and getting yourself all worked up.

Go back and review what you said in the email. Being alpha is all great & wonderful, but what I think you were conveying in your emails was also tenderness and compassion and finally understanding that you two need to do something.

Don't make this into something it doesn't HAVE to be. Don't make it more dramatic, etc. than it has to be. Go into the lunch/convo not necessarily w/ tactics, etc., but with what you want to convey to your W and keep it simple. You love her, you want the both of you to work on your M together, you want to go to C and work through all of your issues, if there is OM, that's not ok anymore, etc. Keep it simple and don't start getting too overbearing with her or she's going to feel like you are all of a sudden being controlling and telling her what she can & can't do and that could backfire.

And I meant keep control over YOU and your emotions, etc. Not necessarily complete control over your W and the entire sitch.

Well, it's more words than I've seen you put into one post in probably four years, so for THAT I'm really grateful!

I need to re-read. I understand most of it, but then I get to:

I get "caring" and "empathetic," but most of my "romantic" game probably comes off as too needy/grabby, if that makes any sense.

Choco
I have to say I liked what Stigmata said about going at your W with flowers and such -that won't work. If she is anything like me, she wants to see you take back some control. Or get that control in the first place if it was never there.
People have different theories on this whole thing. Some say ignore their bad behavior and go at them with love and kindness. I say that's just more BS. It's not authentic. You should be pissed! She needs to see you pissed. And not just pissed, but confrontative. I'd definitely discuss the A asap. Why would you ignore it? I just don't get that philosophy at all, although (ironically) my H seems to love it.
LFL