Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Can you give me some advice please?

I have updated a LOT on my thread in Newcomers. Please stop over and comment if you have a chance. Thank you so so much!

I am doing my best to give space, be transparent, I'm wearing my ring, avoiding all talk and conflict, being upbeat, and things have DEFINITELY been better the last few days!

We have our MC session on Monday where we are supposed to address the emails. I posted them all as well as a letter he wrote to me over on my other thread.

Bad night last night. I will try and post more later, but I am taking the kids to a birthday party and need to be leaving.

Here it is in a nutshell: Somehow for my H, us having kinky sex validates him and when I say I don't want to, he gets VERY upset and says he feels horribly rejected. He wants to take our sex to a "higher level" and canNOT understand how *I* can't understand the correlation. When I sum it up in my head, "to help him forget the hurts of 15 years ago, he needs to have anal sex with me," I feel used and I don't like it. I am not necessarily saying never, but I kind of told him last night that I was not feeling terrific, it had nothing to do with him, I was just feeling kind of moody, sensitive, sick/etc. I don't understand why some "simple sex" involving oral, is not good enough? I feel like he thinks if it's not a certain KIND of sex, it doesn't count. I explained that when we have some little misunderstandings, etc., it is harder for me to feel comfortable being "vulnerable" around him. He keeps saying, "it's ME, Robin! How can you not feel comfortable around ME?!" He says it's the ultimate in rejection.

Advice?? It would be GREATLY appreciated.

Hi, zuzu.

I want to help you with this, but you are going to have to help me understand his preoccupation with swallowing and anal.

What transpired during your breakup to convince him that you were doing those things? Did some one start a rumor?, What?

Also, whatever you do, don't discuss last night with your friend. If he were to hear about himself from someone else, that would really make things much worse. He is already paranoid that everything he does is known to all your friends.

All the best,
-NOPkins-

Hi, zuzu.

You mentioned he is out this weekend? Where is he spending his time?

What was his mood before sex with you?

What level of involvement with porn does he have? Do you have as a couple?

I have some ideas about what is going on with your husband, but you are going to have to be very direct and honest with me before I can possibly help pinpoint the issue.

All the best,
-NOPkins-

NOPkins,

Thanks for following along. I really don't know. I have known this man since 1990. I really believe he is for the most part, an open book. I don't think he hardly ever really watches porn or looks at it on the internet. This weekend, he is simply making a day trip to pick up some things that he can sell this next week to help make some money for us. I truly think there is no big secret, I just think he has some "mental hang ups" which are torturing him.

He said that he feels rejection by me when he knows (or thinks) that I did things with a one-night stand as an 18-year-old that I won't do with him, his husband. He said I used to get all hot and bothered by THEM, so why can't I with HIM.

Does this help any at all? I don't know what to do. I admit, I feel kind of half hearted about our sex life sometimes. I think we have a decent sex life, but it is not wild n crazy and spectacular. We have more sex than most of my friends in similar situations (married with kids.)

thanks for trying to help!!

There are bits and pieces here that are not on the other thread...so since I commented on those I will comment on these...

As NOP said...don't involve Missy at all...I didn't realize that you gave her his passwords to look at HIS email...really, it is one thing for you to "snoop"...quite another to have your friend do it for you...this to me is a betrayal and if I were on the receiving end of this I would be furious...

Whether you think so or not...you are playing games here...changing passwords, then changing them back but wanting to discuss this in counseling???...What do you hope to accomplish with that???...show him you can keep secrets from him too???...really, you both need to grow up here...and you need to start with yourself on that...you have children that are watching...is this how you want them to model their relationships...read around and you will find others commenting on how their spouse's family yelled and played games...it really is setting them up for problems when they grow up...

Well that is all I have for this portion of your drama...I do hope you can figure this out...but for the most part...it all starts with YOU

imLIN,

Thank you for responding. I know that I have made mistakes. That happened with the passwords the DAY AFTER finding out (March 30th) and I only did that out of desperation to see if she (OW) had replied back to our communication in the wee hours of the morning. I was at home with my kids. He was at work. Our computer wasn't working because he ripped the mouse out of the wall. I called Missy up and gave her the password to see if she could get on and no, she couldn't. He had changed them. She never accessed them after that and he actually called her late that day from work to try and get advice and share his side of the story. She has been my best friend since 4th grade, so I know it's not healthy to involve someone else in what's going on with you personally, but I have confided in her more than I have my local friends because I've known her longer and she has known Joey and our issues since day 1. She loves him like a brother but finds him infuriating at times (as he does her) in his way of never admitting when he is right and being so stubborn. He is the master at turning a situation around so that it is all your fault. I have not talked to her at all since my weekend at her house. We actually have plans (Joey, me, Missy and her fiancee Joe) to go to a concert together next weekend and I know he intends on keeping the plans because he called his mom to confirm her help with babysitting that night.

I am putting more sexual details on this board since I feel a little weird being open about certain aspects of this on the Newcomers board. I am hoping people with more experience with sexual issues can help us since some of it is standard marriage stuff and some of it, I can't explain myself and is sexually related.

One of my main reasons for wanting to fix things is to give my kids a healthy upbringing. I know that things are tumultuous now, and try as we might to keep it from them, our 4-year old is no dummy. I really want to fix things.

Thanks for your advice, I know I need the perspective of another. That is why I'm here.

I am sorry, but zuzu, you do owe Joey an appology (if he knows) for giving her his passwords (even if he had changed them)...had she been able to access that and read anything that was private/personal...whether it was right or wrong would have been really bad...this is my opinion of course but when it comes to matters of intimacy and privacy between a H and W...you don't invite friends into that...even if you can trust them...

I understand you need someone to confide in...but can't you see how you both are putting Missy in the middle...really how can she be impartial...you are her best friend from 4th grade...she loves Joey like a brother???...someone will turn against someone if this continues...it one thing to discuss this with a dear friend that is your own...I know you need to talk to someone...but I still stand by what I am saying with regard to Missy...she needs to be kept totally out of this...and you need to respect that passwords...even if Joey gives them to you...are not to be shared...for any reason...really, who cares if she emailed him???...SHE is not your problem...do you understand what I am trying to point out here???

Yes, this all happened the day after the big blowout and I told him just hours after. I guess I never did officially apologize and I will do that. I was about to post about this on the other board, but last night he ON HIS OWN, gave me his new password!

He kind of casually said, "when did you take that nude pregnancy picture off your MySpace page?" I said the weekend that I visited Missy. She saw it and said, "that's REALLY not the kind of thing you want out on MySpace. I really hadn't thought much of it, but, it bothered you and she said that, so I took it down." He said, "You had to hear it from her though." I said, "No, it had just been a day or so." Then he said, "My password is @$%*." I said, "Ok." He said, "I never had anything to hide, I just didn't like . . . " and he kind of trailed off. I think I said "thank you" and have not checked his email.

That was the GOOD PART of last night. The sex was the very negative part of last night.

See...this is what I mean with Missy...I saw what he did even before reading that far..Missy said, "that's REALLY not the kind of thing you want out on MySpace. I really hadn't thought much of it, but, it bothered you and she said that, so I took it down." ...can you see objectively how he would feel???...You were defending the picture before if I recall correctly...then when your best friend tells you it isn't a good idea you agree...even if you considered Joey's feelings it was after your b/f saw it...it makes him feel "less important"...you probably know this already...but if you really wanted to show Joey a wife who respects her H's feelings you would have removed it when he expressed his feelings on it...that is a public board that other people can access...I can clearly understand his feelings...the more YOU respect HIS feelings the more YOU can EXPECT HIM to respect YOURS...someone has to step up to the plate and go first...

It was a big step that he gave you the password...but like I said it really makes no difference...if someone wants to hide something and keep it secret all they need is another email address....my H had so many he forgot his own passwords...he was always paranoid I would find out the password somehow (this happened in the past, I don't even recall how I did it)that he used different ones for different accounts...lol, so he couldn't even keep up with himself after a while...you don't want to drive Joey to this point...I think I would just tell him to make his password whatever he wants...that you feel you have to trust him...and that you don't want to know...let it be on him...let him be a "big boy"...a MAN