Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Needed: A Big Dose of Reality

Yeah, it's always the balancing act. Between loving them and not acting too needy. He did not call last night as he said he would, but I've come to expect nothing and appreciate what comes. He did respond to above email w/ some general news and told me what he was doing on his Friday night and said "don't worry, light night" about a going away party he was going to. Also said he missed our conversations too. When I responded, I kept it light and didn't even say anything about being worried or whatever about what he is or is not doing. To be honest, I'm NOT worried that he's going to cheat, because I hope/believe he knows that I won't put up w/ that again. I am trusting he is going to make good "choices" of his own while he's there.

It's not just men.... It's people in general. I never know what My wife i thinking. I clean the dishes or wash the clothes I hear nothing not a thank you or a Please don't do that I would rather do it myself. I don't know if I am helping or pissing her off. PEOPLE ASSUME you know what they want and need inclusing myself. Thinking back I don't know howmany times with I was asked something Iwould ans and then say the stupid phrase "YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT. not thinking if they did then why would they have asked.

Will I ever learn??
H

Well, this was also part of H's problem -- he THINKS he communicated to me how unhappy he was and as he was trying to help around the house more (prior to D bomb) to make things "easier" for me, he ASSUMED I knew what he was doing. No -- to me, yes he was helping, but he was doing things around the house and I was taking care of the kids, etc. Didn't realize that he was needing all sorts of "atta boys" etc. at the time.

Oh well, we live & learn and hopefully now we can all start seeing things differently and hopefully reacting in different ways, thus changing the ebb & tide of things (like that? analysis Anyway, all of our sitch's are just still so amazing & foreign to me. It's crazy that we're here, but at least we are here and learning how to deal in the right ways w/ things, hopefully making things end up working out better than if we just tried to do things "our way" which obviously didn't work in the past.

Agreed. I don't know how many times i was goin to do something and someone here gave me their opinion which was different than what I was doing and I to thought to myself. What I have done in the past didn't work why would it work now??

Dealing w/ some heavy-duty anger today. Received the latest cell bill. It's actually down to normal b/c he's not using it anymore to be talking to OW anymore. Last month, just between 4/15 and 5/1 when he left there were about 700 some minutes and for the 2 or 3 months before that, he had hiked the bill up to about $300 b/c he was going over his minutes -- 900+ and that was just mobile to mobile, not all the minutes he was using. Makes me so mad to think about it.

Told him that the cell bill had come in and it "was back down to normal" -- that's all I said, didn't need to explain, he knows.

Hi Cadesmom,

I just want to say that my H said the exact same thing to me. He told me that I did not appreciate all the things that he did for me like housework etc... I know they need alot of "attaboys" but is that a reason to divorce without trying or cheat on your spouse.

If that is a good reason, I think I should've done that to him. I never got any "thank you honeys" for doing this or that for me. I agree that communication is a key issue. As a couple, we forgot how to address each other nicely and appreciate the simple things that one another provide on a daily basis. On top of that, the stress of jobs and raising children just compounds the communication issues. Maybe there are other forums on couples in healthy relationships with examples of good communication??

I asked my girl friend if she knew any married couple that was monogomous for 20 yrs with their spouse. She couldn't name one person. We were both a little disheartened.

Did you feel guilty when your H told you this? Did you think it can be corrected so he can communicate how underappreciated he felt? Did you feel appreciated for taking care of the kids? Did he make you feel special? Just wondering since our H said the same things.

At first, yes, I felt guilty like I had not done or had done things that "forced" him into cheating. Being on this Board though has corrected my thinking and at one point I did tell him that it was HIS choice to find comfort w/ OW. That's definitely how I feel about it now. I know that if he does it again I CAN'T allow him to stay, but I'm not dwelling on that negative b/c he knows the score and I truly believe he knows that he CAN'T do it again.

I'm kind of torn between wondering if I did the right thing by "accepting" his behavior and somehow "allowing" him to do what he did by allowing him to stay, but I think if I can just get beyond the trust issues (which he isn't really helping me w/) then I can get to a better place in the R/M. I believe I've done everything and am still doing everything and vow never to slack off on doing everything to keep our M in a good place from my end so if this ends up not being "good enough" for him then he needs to just walk. If that were to happen, I don't think it would be possible for me (or anyone maybe) to ever keep him happy/satisifed. I know that he would end up in the same place 7 yrs down the road w/ someone else b/c he hasn't dealt with HIS issues. But that means I am ok & at a better place and he is not.

No, I don't think he ever made me feel "special" or not in a long time anyway. I still feel like he's "running this show" and I'm still trying to smooth things over / make sure he knows how good he has it. I still feel like he has the "upper hand." I'm slowly dealing w/ all of this on a daily basis. Trying not to dwell on the negative. I don't know if he's still talking to OW and I'm not going to ask. All I can do is work on ME and making myself more self-assured and confident in ME and not base that on my M.

Then this a.m. I came to the realization that maybe he is not as self-assured and confident as he seems to be and maybe that's part of his unhappiness. It seems he is a lot "needier" than I realized and needed more "taking care of" than I realized and was doing for him. I'm wondering how he is going to react when I do start getting stronger & stronger as I find out who I am w/o him around. Will this scare him? Will he find it attractive? But who takes care of me?

Wow, I just have to reiterate, CM, that you are amazing and doing a great job. I ^5 you and AMEN to the fact that *IF* he were to still make disrespectful choices with what you are giving him now, you would have 100% right to say Buh-bye!

But, thinking positively, and remember the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus-type issues. He is a guy, he is deployed, and things may not be what you'd like all the time. This does NOT automatically mean he is being disrespectful to you. I SO hope the months pass quickly and easily for you and before you know it Christmas will be here and you will both will get the one on one time you so deserve.

Thinking of you, CM! You're fabulous!!

Last month, just between 4/15 and 5/1 when he left there were about 700 some minutes and for the 2 or 3 months before that, he had hiked the bill up to about $300 b/c he was going over his minutes -- 900+ and that was just mobile to mobile, not all the minutes he was using. Makes me so mad to think about it.[b][/b]

I know how you feel. Even though he is no longer talking to her, your feelings about how you were deceived is still overwhelming when you see the evidence. When I found a stack of cell calls to OW dating back 6 months of 2006, I was reliving the past. I remember how I felt during the kids b-day party, during MC, the times we tried to spend "quality time" together, and my horrible b-day send off. Now, I feel I can make some sense of why I felt he wasn't there for me during that time and why he was lashing out for no good reason over stupid things.

It is funny how cell phones calls damn a majority of the WAS here! :)o I think I would've been gullible and signed D papers thinking it was all my fault if I hadn't found out. The he would magically appear with a GF in a few months. He tried to be slick.

Sounds like your H made a choice to come back with his heart. I do not like to be pessimistic but protect your heart. Lord knows you are trying your best to smile and be happy. Has he changed his attitude or behaviour towards you or your family? Is he more involved or engaging?

I definitely feel his heart is totally back into it -- the whole family. I can tell just in the last few days, by me staying totally positive and handling everything so well, he is coming around and finally I feel love & support oozing from him. He told me this a.m. that he misses us and I know he wasn't just talking about the boys.

I also think it even helped though that I had a hard day on Sunday. Didn't even realize I was having it until he asked if I was ok, said he heard it in my voice and I just started having tears roll down my face. I said I just miss you so much. I was just thinking this a.m. when I was up before the boys got up that I just wish H were here w/ me.

He knows I have my moments and can be vulnerable, but am staying strong for the family. I continue to send cards, pics, emails, etc.