Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Was on SSM, but this WAY more than just Sex . . .

Rob,

Thanks for your advice -- I really appreciate it.

Let me ask you one question, though, since this whole "DON'T pour out your heart and tell her how much she means to you" thing is SO counterintuitive to me, bordering on total b.s. to my way of thinking.

However, I also have no doubt it's 100% TRUE.

But my question is, Am I allowed to ask her if she still loves me?
Because to my simple peabrain, all of this other stuff is just gobbledegook on top of that basic foundation. I'm beginning to suspect that she hasn't loved me for a very long time. (devoted, yes -- love, romantic love, no).

Choc.

Choc - NO, don't ask that. She probably isn't sure right now, and it may change minute to minute, so there's no point in asking.

Good god, how can I NOT ask that? Isn't that EVERYTHING????

I'm so confused . . .

As I just asked on the other forum:

So we're about to head into the battle of our lives, supposedly together (or at least parallel to each other), and I'm not allowed to ask her to make ANY commitment here???

That just seems wrong to me. I initiated this "bomb" with my e-mail of "I won't live in an affection-less marriage much longer," and now I'm the one having to tiptoe around everything. How did these tables get turned -- again -- on ME???

Choc.

Choc,

W doesn't know what she wants.

Imagine you are starting to date her, would you press her for a commitment? "Look chicky, I'd like to take you dancing, but first I have to know if you will go out with me for at least 7 months and have sex after 4 months. Otherwise, I am not willing to invest in a night at the disco."

By all means, don't tiptoe. But, you don't have to keep repeating yourself. She has heard your message. You can hear her message.

Quit playing the victim. Every step of this is YOUR CHOICE.

The best chance for your M is to give her more space than you think she could possibly want while at the same time getting happy yourself. GAL, a great one at that.

Ahh, Choc, dude...all of this seems counterintuitive...if it didn't then there wouldn't be any problems in our relationships at all because we'd know all the answers. See what I'm getting at? You're knee jerk reaction is to pressue and try to elicit responses from her to make YOU feel good. Have you ever thought about what she might be feeling? I mean honestly feeling? Like maybe her life is turned upside down right now and she cannot give you the answers you need because, well, she's confused about her own life?

When you first met you're wife, were you needy? Did you ask her all the time if she really loved you? Did you seek a committment from her on the first date? Think about it man. You took things slowly, built up to a deeper level of intimacy and so on. You weren't desperate or needy, you were cool as a cucumber.

Well, that's where you are right now. You have to drop all expectations and go back to the starting line. You've got to allow her space to figure out her own sh*t right now and you chasing after her like a puppy dog is only making you a very unattractive choice right now.

I'm not trying to be mean and if this sounds like I am, then I apologize. But you HAVE to get the point if you ever have a chance of saving this.

BTW, you have a W who is much much much more invested in your M and healing it than ANYONE I have ever seen post on these boards when possible separation and EAs are at issue. This is clear from your keystroke snooping posted on your other thread.

--She knows that figuring things out will take time.
--She is willing to see a C.
--She wants to give your M a chance.
--She freely admits she cares about you and your feelings.
--She is in it for the long haul, and she wouldn't be willing to try if she didn't want things to work out.

So, quit moping. You are way ahead of the game here, but you can easily give up your advantage by insisting that W be where you want her to be rather than where she is.

LOL, looks like OT and I cross posted and, apparently, started reading from the same "script"

On a serious note, I've been on the other end of OT's velvet lined 2x4's (and it shows!) and belive me when I tell you, she knows her stuff!

ABSOLUTELY NOT !!!!!!

She is a VERY confused woman at this stage of the game (yes, and I am sure you are too) but don't put anymore pressure on her than she is already feeling

By the way, another piece of advice.....stop snooping. You'll drive youself insane and in a frenzy. Impinging upon her personal space is generally viewed as a bad thing.