This is going to be a long road. Whatever is or is not going on with POSSIBLE OM today is a very, very small thing. If she has had some kind of EA or PA, she is going to be ALL OVER THE PLACE for a good long while. Any momentary behavior or words are pretty meaningless.
You did take an emotional risk, a huge one. But, the reason you were able to do so is because you don't NEED anything from her, though there are many things you might like.
You are afraid. This is normal. You are impatient. This is normal.
But, you really need to detach and try to get the lay of the land. NOTHING you do in the next 24 hours, however perfect or imperfect it may be will decide the fate of your M.
I think you really could use some help from folks on the other parts of the board, this really goes far beyond SSM and there is a ton of great support out there from folks who have really turned their Ms around into something wonderful.
If you thought your W was testing you before, you havent seen nothing yet. She is not going to do anything on your timetable. you cannot control her. You must come up with a plan. The problem with waiting on other people to give you what you want, is that they may just wander off to go get what they want, and your left standing there with your hands in your pockets and no plan. Succesful Plans are not done haphazardly, driven by emotion, or acquired quickly.
Your wanting a reaction from her is seeking. BZZZ wrong answer. Can you control yourself? From here your ability to do so does not look promising.
The glass has tipped and no amount of scrabbling will put the milk back in now. its time to slowly methodically purposefully determinedly, grab a rag and start sopping up the mess. Its takes a lot more water to clean up, then it does milk to create the mess.
When the accusations start flying, you must have the most ridgid unflinching impervious boundaries.
If at any point you even think of asking her why she is doing this to you, I will come over there, tie you to a chair and tape your mouth shut.
Once you determine IN YOUR MIND, that there is a EA, That is the time to confront her. That is the FIRST boundary.
Once you have exposed, then you no longer acknowledge or allow his existance in your sphere of influence. Currently that sphere does not include your W. You put her out of it.
Since you have been through this before, now might be a good time to think about what went wrong 5 years ago. I don’t think it is as simple as her desire just dwindled off. What could YOU do differently this time? What promises did you make then that you did not keep, so that you can avoid sending the same message and putting her into more despair that things will just be the same? What is your 180? What is your carrot?
What do you mean, "180"? What do you mean by "carrot"?
I won't be around much. I just want to say one more time that intense narrow focus on a possible EA is very counterproductive. The possible EA is not the source of the problems in your M. If you look at HOW MUCH attention is being paid to this here versus the other various deep betrayals of how spouses should treat each other you have BOTH been engaged in these last five years or more, it should be obvious something is out of whack.
Please just read DR before making any decisions here.
I really have my fingers crossed that your W is going to buy into working on the M. BUT don't push her on this AT ALL.
If she does, look for help in Piecing. If she doesn't, Try Separated or Infidelity, whichever makes the most sense.
If you are interested, you can find most of the advice that I would probably give you in Grasshopper's threads in Infidelity and Piecing. Regardless of my input on his threads, they would probably be VERY useful to you. His W had an EA/PA with her trainer after she got in shape at the gym... He now has a great M, better than it has ever been.
I just want to say one more time that intense narrow focus on a possible EA is very counterproductive. The possible EA is not the source of the problems in your M
absolutely True and Mostly True.
After the A has been exposed for what it is, and not pushed under the carpet, then you start working on your side of the problem, while as -ifing. You matter of factly point right at it and call it what it is. Then you ignore it. And do what you want to do, because its what you want to do, NOT to get a reaction.
"You matter of factly point right at it and call it what it is. Then you ignore it. And do what you want to do, because its what you want to do. NOT to get a reaction."
OT, after your comment I reread my post, and saw how it could be interpreted. Thanks. so I wanted to edit my previous remarks
Once you determine IN YOUR MIND, that there is a EA, That is the time to confront her. That is the FIRST boundary.
Once you have exposed it, then you no longer acknowledge or allow his existance in your sphere of influence. Everytime you see evidence of it, you matter of factly condemn it. Then you move on and continuing doing what you want to do. If she brings it/him up against your stated boundary, you remove yourself from its presence no matter what it takes, without reactivity. It cannot affect your PMA.
Currently that sphere of influence does not include your W. You cannot tell her what to do, because in her mind, you allready put her out of it with your indifferance.
I liked taking the kids to the gym. I would do that again, but do it so that you are picking her up to go have ice cream/lunch or whatever with the kids.
Well, I sent the flowers to the gym this morning, as NOP suggested. Unfortunately, the florist screwed up, and sent them from "Phil", who -- as it turns out -- it some creepy stalker-type guy at the gym, according to my wife, and they also delivered them WHILE SHE WAS THERE, JUST 30 MINUTES FROM THE END OF HER SHIFT, which screwed up my plans as well.
See, "Sneaky Choc" planned on having them delivered IN THE AFTERNOON, after Mrs. Choc. had already left for the day, so that they would be on display for all (esp. OM) to see, all day long until she worked again tomorrow.
$#%&% florist!!!!
She called to ask me if I was "Phil", and meekly thanked me, but pretty cool. Then again, they weren't meant as a warm-and-fuzzy, so maybe that was just "Message Received" -- I hope so.
I need to get back to WORKING OUT THERE, as well. Not only do I need to plain get back to the gym for my own sake, but it would be good for me to show my face in there more often.
Still don't know what I'm going to do about confronting her about EA. She sent 155 text messages in the past 18 days, according to Nextel. Maybe THREE of those are from me, and not 10% are from my daughters. They couldn't provide the daily totals, but I bet there's an escalation there.
I asked her to lunch today (specifically phrased it as "I'd like to go to lunch with you. Can you make some time for us after work? -- Choc.", in order to be more "leading," but she called back to say today wasn't a good day, and could we do it tomorrow. I said "Fine, because I think we need to talk face-to-face," and she sounded nervous.
