I feel honored and priveleged that I've smoked you out on my lil' ol' thread! Thanks -- I appreciate the encouraging words.
Trust me, I am the type that takes a long time to act, but once I act, I'm ready for the fight. In fact, most of my complacency the past few years can be traced to the stupid thought in my head that basically went "I'd really love to talk about this, but I'm NOT going to go first."
Stubborn -- it's the German in me.
But as Cobra, I think it was, pointed out to me this past week, it's obvious that I love my wife; otherwise, why would this scare me so much? Why would the threat of losing her HURT so much?
P.S., your feelings for each other are NOT completely gone. You've said so yourself.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Quote: ------------------------------------------------------------- Sometimes I feel like maybe we need some space to sort out our feelings and see what direction we want this to go in. Maybe it's true that absence makes the heart grow fonder, I don't know. I just know that we can't go on like this much longer. -------------------------------------------------------------
Interpretation: "I am interested in someone else, and they have shown an interest in me".
There is no room for space if you are truly going to work on your marriage. You can't do it from across town, living separate lives. You need to engage her and remove the whole "space" subject from the process, and you need to do it ASAP.
That should be item #1 on your list of crap to clean up.
I hope you will stay in the fight, Choc.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Funny you should say that, but I decided last nite that was a non-negotiable item this time. I let her deflect it the last time, and that's not going to happen again. Not only do we both have a lot of issues that could use a MC's help to draw out, but we're also both horrible communicators. We need a trained facilitator.
Her coldness and rejection of me are her responsibility, as is the breaking of her promise to go see the C last time. Failing to draw the boundaries right then and there, when these things happened, are mine.
Way to go! I’m very proud of you! Be brave, don’t be scared, even though you might think all seems hopeless. It’s hard to feel empowered when you’ve been struggling on a tilted playing field for so long. It seems like you’re always fighting uphill. Funny thing though, your W probably feels the same. So maybe the field wasn’t ever slanted to begin with?
I saw nothing in your W’s response to indicated she is leaving, or wants a D, or is sick of you. All I saw was lots of despair, just like your recent posts. Emotion clouds her outlook, yet there was nothing definitive in her words. To me she is lost too.
Since you two are both avoiders, one of you will HAVE to lead or the both of you will just wander off due to your own inclinations. I think she wants to hear strength and commitment from you every bit as much as you want to hear it from her.
I think perhaps we've both been afraid to admit that our feelings for each other are completely gone.
Do you really think this is true? You said otherwise earlier. Dig deep and discover how you truly feel. Then express those feelings to her and do not sway from them. This statement is a deflection to protect yourself. If she says she truly loves you, will that help you get past your resentment and see that you actually do love her? If she reacts in the same way, then you two have a nice little self reinforcing cycle, only a negative one, with each waiting for the other to make the first move. You’ve made that move, so keep going.
Since you have been through this before, now might be a good time to think about what went wrong 5 years ago. I don’t think it is as simple as her desire just dwindled off. What could YOU do differently this time? What promises did you make then that you did not keep, so that you can avoid sending the same message and putting her into more despair that things will just be the same? What is your 180? What is your carrot?
Thank you for your reply, and for your encouragement. It all means so much to me, you will all never know. It was like I couldn't wait to get to work this morning so I could log on here, and draw support from all of you. More than I deserve, actually, since I have been 90% "taker" and 10% "giver" on here lately, but I just felt like I had my own issues; how could I possibly help anyone else?
Gotta run, as I see she's finished her response to me. I'm scared to death, and yet somehow hopeful. But I did start this reply to say that I do think we're both wondering if the other person's love is still "for real" -- that the other won't give up if we make ourselves vulnerable.
Does that makes sense? More on that thought later . . .
I agree with NOPkins that her "space" comments are troubling. Whether or not it means another person I cannot say, but at the very least space will just put you back where you were. KILL THAT SPACE IDEA ASAP!!! That doesn't mean things don't have to take time to develop, or that every day has to have an R convo. But don't let it turn into weeks, months, years, while you each "figure stuff out" internally. You've already done that.
You and I both need to get our W's into MC. Let me know how you approach it and how well it works. Maybe something you do will work with my W too.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
As for the space comment, the MOST I would suggest doing is ignoring it. As any person who has DBed here at all knows, crowding someone who seeks space is the fastest way to make them want even more space.
No one is talking about crowding. The phrase "needing space" is considered to be top of the infidelity 101 list.
That is the source of the concern.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
